Managing the initial recovery phases

[BlackCat3]

Hi there, 

This is my first post and I have a lot of scrambled thoughts that I would love some advice on. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense!

My partner is currently serving but is in the process of discharging. I would really like a medical discharge as that is why he is leaving but he wants out ASAP, so he wants the quickest option. Any thoughts? 

He is also at the very beginning of his recovery with complex PTSD alongside other mental health conditions. I feel like a broken record recommending the same resources and getting treatment but it has been a very slow progress which is taking its toll on me now. He has attended one psych session which I was present for but the second one has been rescheduled a few times (currently planned for tomorrow). I feel like I have turned into a carer rather than a partner and it’s beginning to impact my work as well as friendships because I’m the one providing support. 

My partner has barely any supports apart from me and I think he struggles with the friendships I have. He doesn’t like me talking to them about what he’s going through and told me to just speak to my psychologist about it. My psychologist is concerned about the impact this is having on my own mental health because of the amount I’m giving to help him. It’s not really the advice I want to hear at this stage.  

He currently struggles a lot with flashbacks including auditory and visual, as well as a feeling of danger and paranoia. There has been times he went through my phone when he was paranoid and read my messages with my friends. I am very cautious on what I say to him because one wrong word can trigger something (he has a history of other events outside of the military which contributes). It feels like I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know how he will react and it can make me upset. 

I spoke with Open Arms today and they gave me some really great strategies, some which I shared with him about how I need to look after myself as well as him but his instant reaction was “what, so you can’t support me anymore?”. He’s become heavily reliant on me which I raised many months ago about not wanting it to get to this point. 

Things have been especially challenging these past couple of months where he doesn’t manage being on his own, so my only reprieve is when he’s at work which is also usually when I’m at work. I want to be able to spend one on one time with my friends but there always seems to be an episode that occurs where I feel like I can’t leave him on his own. He has a strong fear of hospitals associated with his PTSD and serving in the military so I feel stuck on emergency services. I know it would likely help but there’s that part of me that’s worried he’ll just leave and be at risk to himself.

Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this? Everything is so early so it’s very hard and I’ve never experienced anything like this. I feel quite alone too as no one around me understands what it’s like.

Thanks everyone 🙂

[MatchaToad]

Hey @BlackCat3 

Welcome to the forums! Firstly, I want to acknowledge how much you are carrying right now. It is incredibly common for partners of veterans to feel like they’ve transitioned from "partner" to "carer," and that shift is exhausting, especially when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Please know that your thoughts make perfect sense, and you are definitely not alone in this experience 💚

The choice between a medical discharge and a voluntary/fast-track discharge is significant. While wanting to be out ASAP is a very relatable feeling when someone is struggling, a medical discharge often provides a more robust safety net, including streamlined access to ongoing DVA support and potentially different pension or compensation outcomes.

If you haven’t already, it may be worth connecting with an Ex-Service Organisation (ESO), such as the RSL, or a specialist advocate. They can help explain the long-term benefits of a medical discharge versus the speed of a voluntary one, which might help your partner make a more informed choice.

It’s okay to feel anxious about the rescheduling of that second psych appointment. Recovery is often "two steps forward, one step back." If tomorrow’s session happens, perhaps you can discuss a "safety plan" with the psychologist that focuses specifically on what you do when he is having an episode, so the responsibility isn't solely on your shoulders.

Your psychologist’s concern is valid, even if it’s hard to hear. When your partner reacted with "so you can't support me anymore?" it was likely a reaction born of fear and paranoia, rather than a reflection of your efforts. You might try explaining that looking after yourself is what allows you to stay in his corner. It’s not about supporting him less, but about making sure you don't burn out completely. Also, phone-checking and paranoia are very difficult symptoms of C-PTSD. While it comes from a place of illness, you still deserve privacy and connection with your friends.

Recovery from C-PTSD is a marathon, not a sprint. Please try to be as kind to yourself as you are being to him 💚

[DogMan79]

Hi @BlackCat3 are you familiar with the recommended phases of Trauma Informed Care?

First in treatment, Safety and Stabilisation is recommended. Patients can spend well over a year on this step. It's just about teaching their nervous system that they're no longer in a war zone. Actual processing comes much later

Janina Fisher has written extensively on this

[BlackCat3]

Hi @DogMan79 

I haven’t heard of this before so thank you for sharing. Do you have any recommendations on a good resource to start with first?

[hopeful_hannah]

Hello @BlackCat3 

I felt to jump in and say Hello and welcome you to the SANE forum's community. Thank you for showing up and sharing so openly and honestly. It's great that you are reaching out for support. 

I'm really glad to read that you have your own support in place through a psychologist and that you have contacted open arms. It's important that you take care of yourself. 

@MatchaToad makes some great recommendations as well.

You might like to head over to the Shoulder to Shoulder: Veteran Families - SANE Forums

Welcome to the Shoulder to Shoulder: Veteran Famil... - SANE Forums

This is where you can share experiences, seek advice, learn what’s worked for others, and find resources to support you and your loved one.

Here you can:
Introduce yourself – we’d love to hear from you!
Got a question? Ask away – someone here may have gone through something similar.
Explore the space – join an existing discussion or start your own!
Not ready to talk? That’s okay – there’s plenty to read, and you can still show support for other posts.
Attend events – we hold regular community webinars. Stay tuned for updates.
Take it at your own pace – come back whenever you like.

SANE also has the Recovery Club.

You can find more information and register here Welcome to SANE’s Recovery Club 

RecoveryClub is a free, 6-month digital program that offers evidence-based recovery resources, 1:1 support, online groups, and peer support connections to help you build confidence and develop practical skills for your wellbeing and recovery.

I hope you find some of this information useful.

Sending you all my best

hopeful_hannah 💌