Self-Respect or Avoidance?

[WretchedKid]

I’m involved in a friendship that used to be very close and emotionally open, but over time (after a period of lost contact) it has become more surface-level and less emotionally expressive. For context, I tend to bond emotionally and don’t do well with superficial relationships.

Recently, I shared something deeply personal during a difficult moment once I thought we were starting to connect deeply again. Their response was delayed and felt more practical than emotionally supportive, suggesting therapy rather than engaging with the emotional content.

I felt hurt by that, as I was hoping for more emotional acknowledgement and presence. Since then, I’ve had a strong urge to withdraw from the friendship, including removing what I shared and possibly stepping away entirely. I’m unsure whether that would be a healthy boundary or a reaction to feeling rejected.

I care about them, and I understand they may not be as emotionally available as they used to be. However, I’ve been feeling unmet in this dynamic for a while and I’m unsure whether it makes sense to continue engaging in it.

I also have a tendency to cope with trust issues by severing connections or erasing traces of vulnerability, so I’m trying to understand whether that impulse here is self-protection or fear-based.

How do you distinguish between self-respect and avoidance in situations like this?

[Nala2022]

Hi @WretchedKid,

This is a really thoughtful reflection, and it makes sense that you’re feeling conflicted.

It sounds like you reached out in a vulnerable moment hoping for emotional connection, and the response you received felt more practical than supportive, which can feel quite hurtful.

It’s also really insightful that you’re noticing your own pattern of wanting to withdraw or remove vulnerability when you feel rejected. That awareness is important here.

Sometimes self-respect and avoidance can feel very similar in the moment. It might help to pause before making any decisions and gently ask whether you’re responding to your needs for protection, or to the pain of feeling hurt, sometimes it can be both.

You’re not wrong for wanting emotional presence, and you’re also not wrong for wanting to protect yourself. It’s about finding what feels steady for you over time. I hope this helps, even if just a little

[WretchedKid]

@Nala2022 Thanks for the reply.

I find that allowing time to pass usually doesn’t give me much clarity, nor does it resolve my feelings very much. It’s probably due to my attachment style which is a deeply embedded guide for how I relate and respond to people.

I am, however, starting to think it could be a mix of the two - self-respect as well as avoidance. I’ve been wrestling with what to do about this friendship for quite a while. It seems the lack of met needs is more troubling than I can really handle.

A part of me thinks that ending things could be too impulsive or short-sighted, which is why I assume it is avoidance. But on the other hand, my pride feels wounded to continue in the situation, which makes me feel that I am neglecting my needs in a fundamental way by staying.

It’s very difficult to think clearly here.

[Nala2022]

@WretchedKid I can hear how stuck and conflicted this feels for you. You’re really trying to understand your reactions rather than just acting on them, which takes a lot of self-awareness.

It also makes sense that this isn’t feeling clear-cut. When there’s hurt and unmet needs involved, it’s very normal for both self-protection and emotional pain to be showing up at the same time, which can make decisions feel confusing and heavy.

Rather than needing to label it as “avoidance” or “self-respect,” it might help to focus on what feels most steady and aligned for you in the longer term, even if that still feels uncertain right now.

You don’t have to resolve it all immediately. It’s okay to sit with the discomfort while you work through what feels right

[WretchedKid]

@Nala2022 - After some thought, I felt it would be self-respectful to communicate simply how I feel in a way that doesn't blame/shame them, without softening my reality. I think this is better than saying nothing or shutting the conversation down passively or coldly.

However, I'm stuck on one thing. I feel it would be honest to communicate my decision to no longer explore emotional depth with them, but I don't want to sound punitive doing so. Essentially, I want to close our latest topic and not engage in this way henceforth...

How would I communicate that in a way that respects both parties without diluting the significance it has for me? Is it even necessary or advised to name it?

[Nala2022]

@WretchedKid I can hear you’re trying to be really honest and respectful at the same time, which isn’t always easy when you also care about how the other person might receive it.

I don’t think there’s one “right” way to word this, and you don’t necessarily need to make it really formal or definitive if that doesn’t feel right for you.

Sometimes it can be enough to just say something simple like you’re going to step back from having deeper emotional conversations in the friendship for now and leave it there. That way you’re being clear about your boundary without needing to over-explain.

You’re allowed to keep it honest and still keep it simple

How are you today?

[WretchedKid]

Thank you for your sensible advice as always, @Nala2022 .

I was going to write a short, simple message, as you've suggested. I like the example you provided, and am considering saying something along similar lines.

I'm a bit definitive by nature with my all-or-nothing thinking. Maybe I could use this opportunity to close a door indefinitely, instead of walling the door up with bricks.

Today, I'm okay. Just hesitating on sending a message because nothing sounds right. I've left them on read for two days. It's making me a tad anxious because I usually reply sooner.

How are you?

[WretchedKid]

Just an update on my situation...
I ended up sending a short message, sharing my hurt, alone feelings, acknowledging it may not have been their intention and saying I needed space on those topics for now.
They apologised for how things landed and explained they meant well and weren't sure how to help further. They also shared their feelings on my distance.
I also apologised and explained how I came to the conclusion and what I actually needed in the moment. That I still need space to gain some independence with emotionally security.
I think it's good we are respectfully talking this out. I just hope being this honest doesn't have negative repercussions.

[Nala2022]

Hi @WretchedKid, I'm sorry for the late reply.

It honestly sounds like you handled that really well. You were open about how you felt, clear about needing some space, and still respectful of their side too. That takes a lot, especially when these kinds of conversations can feel so vulnerable.

I can understand why it’s brought up some anxiety afterwards. Being honest with someone we care about can feel risky. But it also sounds like the conversation opened up some understanding between you both, which is a positive thing.

I’m glad you shared the update 😊