Lived Experience Forum

[Adge]

Sorry @Former-Member I'm feeling very unwell today.

Possibly another virus, plus allergy that never seems to stop.

I've been struggling a lot over the past few weeks.

Sorry to hear that your notifications are not working.

That sounds anxiety provoking, those dreams & thoughts of your mother (it would worry me too).

@Owlunar's suggestion sounds like a very good one, if you think that might help.

I will try to write more later, my brain is not working at all (very fogged).

I'm just about to drive off to MH support group (monthly meeting) - I hope I'm not too doped & feeling sick to make use of it.

Hugs,

Adge

[Adge]

Hi @Former-Member

I feel very sad when people leave too, that even goes for work.

I've never got over the long-term staff being gone, most of them left over 1 year ago.

I'm one of only 4 staff (out of more than 20), who's been there for 2 years or more.

Most have only worked there for 6 months to 1 year, yet show no appreciation for knowledge or experience - they like to boss me around, when I'm twice their age & have 10 years experience working in disabilities (most of them have none).

Plus I grew up with my brother who is blind & intellectually disabled, which had huge impact on my family.

I frequently have brief thoughts of Dad, though I still have virtually no memories of him to fall back on - that's childhood amnesia due to trauma (CPTSD).

I often feel sad that Dad is not here (not alive). I don't feel that it has shifted much, despite my best efforts - I could not access virtually any grief services at the crucial time (2 & 1/2 years ago).

Now I feel that I cannot adequately express my grief (anymore), to be able to work with it anyway - it's too late, too far gone (if you know what I mean).

Sorry, I'm not wanting to be negative, that's just how I feel.

I have been having some vivid recollections of past events & people, things that I do not often remember (not consistently).

I think that is a very good sign - it means that the memories are still in there somewhere, & that I do have an amazing memory for some things.

I remember places I visited & people I met, over 30 years ago...

Adge

[Appleblossom]

@Adge Jobs in the field seems tricky.  A lot at the zoo are casual and it is hard to get on the casual list as opoosed to the volunteer list, let alone fulltime.  I am not in the running for that.  I am happy to volunteer, use old skills, get updated and try and get fitter and more active. Also I like that I can look after me first as a vollie. I am not expected to climb Mt Everest. I would think you would be valuable. We have a fellow from the Perth zoo and he thought it was great.  Kids these days make it competitive. If they are into it, they go off on amazing adventures ... like swimming with primates in the lake in Sth America.  Still it could be worth positioning yourself for something.  I am not sure how limited opportunities are in your area.

Hey @Owlunar  @BlueBay

@Former-Member I hear you about feeling plagued by your mother.  Grieving is so intricate and deeply personal.  It is a fair point that as you are in her old house, she might be shaking and rattling a few chains.  Some ritual of cleansing and new beginnings may help. I am not sure what your pastor/minister/priest would do.  

Gently always gently when we are grieving and vulnerable.

I am alright at the moment.  I had an interesting night which I wrote about on the last rave thread.  Something about Natural Law finally catching up.

Warm regards to you ALL

[Owlunar]

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@Former-Member wrote:

Thanks for this affirmation @Former-Member

I was going to ignore today's anniversary - my son's funeral - surely I have done enough dates lately - let's forget that one

Aw - I woke up feeling terrible - backache, headache - really tired - it took me all day to really wake up - I was in the twilight zone

Mmmm - a bitter truth but yes - we do honour our dead when we remember them and I refuse to look on the bright side right now - I have survived this anniversary with my sense-of-humour intact - but total loss of another day

This is the last one for this year - and it's nearly August and the end of my annus horribilis

How are you Lapses?

Dec

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[Former-Member]

So sorry I haven't got back @Owlunar, hope you survive the day.
Have to rush off to A GRIEF counselling session shortly but 
this is my unfinished reply to your post re 2days ago:

Oh @Owlunar, thank you for posting when youre struggling yourself. Means a lot. You are my wise owl, my big sista with plenty of life experience simila to mine. Endured the long haul and sanding tall - with much to offer the likes of me. Thank you for being here. Like Jesus, You are acquainted with grief. And your mum & sis relations are much the same too. 

Do you really think i'm grieving badly? Cause i hardly ever cry and i just don't 'feel' anything for mum, not like my girl.

Its interesting what you say - "Complex relationship lead to a complex grief" Complex Grief is serious - they diagnosed me with it > my girl's loss - Prolonged Grief... CG is recognised in the DSM now (after my crisis where all they could say was 'major depression' drr!).

Its a good suggestion you made - to have the house 'blessed'. Might ask tomorrow, but sometimes i wonder if its better to 'let things be" not upset the applecart so to speak - Its been 6months now. There's no evil goings on in the house but a peace i've never quote felt here before.

This toe infection of yours sounds nasty. Taking a probiotic 2-3hrs after every antibiotic might help, and apple cider vinager can help that gluggy feel. But time sorts most things out - hope it heals soon, salt foot soaks. 

What a pain - someone in your ear the whole shopping experience grr! I've been guilty of 'talking too much' - uncomfe with silence... She probably thinks shes being friendly...

to be con't...

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

It's great to read your post - I am going out in a few moments so I am really glad I decided to look on line before I went out

You're not grieving badly - you are grieving and people grieve in different ways - I wasn't part of this community when my mother died so you didn't know me when I was in a real mess after she died - it is really hard to have a smooth trip though a grief when things were complicated

I think while she was alive there was always the chance that my mother might be kind to me without a sting in the tail of everything she said - that there might some a time when I could see her without her snarling at me but no - this never happened and after she died I knew it would never happen. You might be going through something similar and I understand. It's really hard

And I only have 2 sibs and one of them is interstate and I never have to botther with that one - the other one seems to be very quiet lately so this is a good thing. Yours are really underfood. Your brothers could do better - I don't enough about MI to really comment but it seems to me you are doing things for your Dad from love and this can only be good and I wish you the best

I feel better today - yesterday was a strange day but I did enough of my stuff to have a tidy house when I got up earlier than usual this morning. I still had to work my spine out before I was able to get ready and it's 1.00 pm and I really have to go and get my Telstra account sorted out

I think you will always grieve for your daughter - but I can promise you it will be easier. I guess you will have days like the one I had yesterday but it passed. It was a beautiful day weather-wise and today is not but I feel okay - another year of tough anniversaries passed

Sending you hugs special sista

It doesn't matter which one of us it the Big Sister - we are both special

Dec

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar said "another year of tough anniversaries passed" - Well Done Dec - you survived! So resilient! And spring is round the corner. Weather does affect us - all connected xox

[Former-Member]

@ Appleblossom, haven't forgotten you. Wanted to read your post (on rave) before replying, but too triggering to go there sorry. M&E have been particularly nasty to me there & NS - last time literally told me to 'let her be' for just saying hi, sheesh! And my first few weeks on the foums was so traumatic because ofof them, and my clumbsy zeal & honesty, and even now - constantly ignored - so painful for so long - so i gave up completely - doesnt existexist when I see it. A no go zone! Convinced they mixed me up with someone else. No matter, just can't do.  But if you 'tag' me i'll get email notification to read (hopefully).

You seem burdened of late - I feel it, yet you also have an inner peace that's carrying you. I get so much from your life story, and how you handle it and you're so articulate here. You've become part of my heart family - thank you for that sista 🙂 xox

I had a 'grief' counselling session today. She's started doing a 'timeline' with me. My life. All my years of counselling and NOBODY has done that with me. Tried to do it myself using DR Phil's 'self matters' workbook but it was too confronting or something. She really LISTENED today and I think muc a healing has begun.
Hugz to you sista xox

[Former-Member]

@Adge are you any better?
Thinking of you xox

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Dec here - I have worked out a way to write here and I am   not sure how I did this - I don't know what happened with "M" in the Worry Room but there is  no need for people to be nasty so please don't let that person upset you - you are such a kind person - so caring - these things make you unhappy I know.

I went to the Telstra shop and sorted it all out quickly and I got a  cordless phone set which I need as well -I have needed to get everything I got so I made the most of my time at the mall - retail therapy really works and my afternoonwas fun 

I am glad you are seeing a grief councillor -you need it and yes - when it comes to getting your house blessed - if it's okay leave well enough alone 

@Adge

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with grief -experts might have an idea that there is some kind of pattern but I think everyone is different - I will  have to read back in your posts - I care though 

Dec