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Koley_Guacamole
New Contributor

A "Friend"

Hi there! I don't really know if this is where I'm supposed to post (I'm an 80-year-old when it comes to technology). I have something that has been on my mind.

 

I feel like I put my walls up too high, high enough that no one bothers trying to break them down. It'd be a waste of their time when there are others that lay down their defences and allow everyone in. I had set up a personality for school and one for my home. I will be graduating soon, and I still continue to set up essentially 2 different sides of me. This has gone on for essentially my whole life, to the point where I don't know which personality is really me. At this point, my friends may have an idea of who I am that is completely wrong. I feel like I'm going insane.

 

There have been instances where I feel as though they don't really care about me. One person, in particular, has made me feel so insecure. They've invited my other friends in situations where I would be alone, and they knew that. They once left me in the middle of our conversation to talk to someone else, and at that point, I thought they were the person that cared about me most. That they would listen to my problems and let me listen to theirs without any judgement. I had been walking with a group of 4, with the friend included. Suddenly, they all walked away. No goodbye, no reason given. I could hear their laughter echoing through the train station when one of them made a joke. There are more examples, I just don't want this to be too long. I don't want to really see them or talk to them. They have caused me to doubt my own self-worth and have crushed my self-esteem. Limiting contact would be ideal if their friends weren't all mine. They have a reputation as the "nice kid", the one that is always so supportive and complimentary. No one would believe me if I were to talk to them, and it's worse because they don't even realise how much they've hurt me. Every time they say they're sorry but it keeps happening, and I can't help but believe them every single time.

 

Essentially, I don't feel like I am being myself, but I don't know how to let my barriers down. A friend keeps tearing down any self-esteem I have and I can't cut contact with them without losing my friends that do support and help me. I know it isn't much compared to what others have gone through, but I don't really have anyone to fully express my rage, sadness and frustration to. 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: A "Friend"

Hello @Koley_Guacamole 

 

Welcome Koley.  

I'm not sure how to respond to your post. I have similar moments of self doubt wondering why I'm being treated unfairly. As my health improves I become more aware of this. I blame folk for being mean or is it me reading people's mood wrongly and then reacting badly. My brother doesn't talk to me and so on. (He actually doesn't talk to me now) My GP and shrink help keep me grounded. Have you spoken to your GP, Psycholgist or shrink about this stuff? I find it helpful. 

Have a look around Sane. Just ask if you have any struggles. If you want to respond to someone so they are informed of your post use @ first like @WriterMelb.

There are many folk here with similar stuff going on. We listen and support each other. Don't worry about the tech, you can't break it.

WriterMelb

Re: A "Friend"

@Koley_Guacamole  Another welcome from me.

 

I’ve had similar experiences to yours, where ‘ so called’ friends, walked away without any explanation. It’s hard, and it does cause self doubt, and confusion.

 

You are among people here who understand.

 

I’m a dinosaur on the computer also, but we get there. Take care of yourself.

 

 

Re: A "Friend"

Hi and welcome, @Koley_Guacamole . It's good you've joined, where you can express yourself and receive listening ears. 

 

I have had most of my friends dump me (due to a long-term nervous breakdown), so I know how hurtful it is when "friends" don't support you / walk away. I'm sorry this is happening to you. 

 

 

 


@Koley_Guacamole wrote:

I feel like I put my walls up too high, high enough that no one bothers trying to break them down.

...

I still continue to set up essentially 2 different sides of me. This has gone on for essentially my whole life, to the point where I don't know which personality is really me. 

...

Essentially, I don't feel like I am being myself, but I don't know how to let my barriers down. 


I'm impressed with your insight. I'm sorry you feel like you're going insane...I'm wondering if you have a counsellor to talk through these things with?

chibam
Senior Contributor

Re: A "Friend"

Hi @Koley_Guacamole ,

 

I spotted a lot of familiarities in your story. I went through a similar period myself way back when.

 

It's an awful dillemma, isn't it, when we live in a society/community that wants a person that meets certain parameters, but those parameters don't match who we are? Even if you are accomodating enough to try to portray yourself as what everybody wants, you first need to be able to understand what it is that they want. And the bastards never lay that out for you in plain english, do they? The force you to keep guessing and then punishing you when you guess wrong.

 

Then, of course, there's the other road, of being yourself and thereby becoming a heavy-duty dispenser of torment upon the community because your incompatibility with their identity perpetually offends and upsets them, and therefore harms them. Aside from the obviously unsustainable situation of not being able to establish a productive mutual-benefit relationship with one's community, who wants to be something that only ever inflicts harm and misery upon the world?

 

IMHO, In an ideal world, we would be relocated to a community that matches who we are as early as possible in life. That way we would never need to wrestle with the dillemma of who we are/who we want to be and who our community wants us to be, because the standards would be one and the same. We would never have to play-act being one of the group, because the group embodies who we intuitively are.

 

Unfortunately, we don't live in an ideal world.

 

I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but I'm afraid I don't. All I can suggest is for you to keep your eyes open for people who might be able to get you in to a community/group of kindred spirits, but be very cautious of people who seek to exploit your desperation for meaningful connection for their own ends. If you do favors for others, you have every right to expect meaningful repayment for those favors in a timely fashion.

 

Also, if people start blackmailing you because you aren't doing a good enough job of play-acting what they want you to be, or doing a thorough enough job of pretending that you like being around them, it might be worth considdering that they mightn't do right by you even if you do what they tell you. I wasted years of my life trying to appease bad people, and for all my troulbe, I still got turned into some ugly urban legend by the bastards.

 

Anyone immoral enough to extort a deal from a desparate person is immoral enough to turn on that deal once they've gotten what they wanted. Worth keeping in mind, IMHO.

Re: A "Friend"

@chibam  I’m sorry people have treated you so badly. So much of what you have written resonates with me. It’s a tough world out there.

 

Stay safe. 💙💙

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