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Queenie
Community Elder

Coming clean

How do I come clean to my Mrs about how I am currently travelling? We use the traffic light system (green is good, yellow is so so and red is kaput). I am more yellow headed towards red, but I tell her green because I don't want to upset her.

I've been sleeping ridiculous hours because it is the only time I don't feel tormented. Apparently I've been talking in my sleep a lot too about demons and things like that. I feel like I can't concentrate properly on anything and am often floating here and there about a million things at once.

Thankfully the kids have gone back to their Dad's for now because I feel like I can let my guard down just that little bit. I never know what they make of me. Today we took them to a candy warehouse and they they were all smiles, so who knows?

I feel like I want to take some time out, but my Mrs always plans all these activities so that I keep busy (which I guess I need too). Thing is there is no time to be unwell, I just have to muddle through no matter what. I feel like I am letting her down all the time. I can't help it if my voices want me to harm others and self destruct myself at the same time. I don't get it, I don't particularly feel anything other than this blackness which has enveloped me. I've found myself being irritable for no real reason. I love her and don't want to lose her.

I also feel like this is all my fault. A month ago, the carer's counsellor wanted to push for respite against my will and I finally managed to put that idea to bed. Now I am screaming for respite myself. I actually WANT to go now. What does this mean? I'm afraid to say I need the help, as she always thinks I want to leave her for some reason, which of course is completely false.

How do I come clean and get my needs looked after and get her to understand that she shouldn't take it so personally? I don't want this to escalate into a hospital admission again where I was for a month last time.

46 REPLIES 46

Re: Coming clean

You need to communicate with your girlfriend as hard as it may be and together figure out what is going to be the best way to get you feeling better
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Coming clean

I wish I knew @Queenie, I wish I knew.
I too feel that I have to pretend how I'm going, I fell that others think they are responsible for me getting ill. Others think that I'm solely responsible for getting ill.
And I feel responsible for how others feel and react to my illness.
If you were offered respite, I would pick up the phone and see if it's still a possibility?
About her thinking you want to leave her... it sounds like she has some of her own things to work through. Talk to her, calm her and reassure her. And perhaps couples counselling?
Getting things fixed early is the best for both of you. I wish you the best and think you should do what you need to stay well now.

Re: Coming clean

@Queenie. If you can't tell your wife - who can you tell?
It's hard in a couple. But you still need to put your needs first. Your MI & wellness must be a priority over upsetting your wife.
When you are stable - you make a better partner & your wife will appreciate that.
Please sit down and talk honestly with her.

Re: Coming clean

I am watching this with great intrest. I feel that i cant tell my wife how Iam feeling. I know that she would support me but I feel if I tell her then it gets more real and then there is no hidding and I cant just tuff it out and wate for it to pass this time.

Re: Coming clean

I tried to tell her, but just couldn't bring myself to. It's kind of pathetic really isn't it?

Re: Coming clean

Not at all it's just difficult

Re: Coming clean

I hinted that we check out where the respite place actually is, so we are doing a drive by tomorrow. I haven't told her I want to go though. I've made it about her by telling her she can tell her carer's counsellor that she has checked out some services.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Coming clean

Hello Queenie,

I don't know which thread I should put this in, and I know your struggling; I don't want you to feel any obligation to answer this. I was just wondering - have you ever heard your own voice?

Re: Coming clean

Hello @Former-Member, I have my own internal monologue which is separate from my voices and that everyone has. I don't hear it however, it is just thoughts inside my head. I hope that answers your question 🙂 

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