Lived Experience Forum

[Coconut_lime_11]

my life is a bit of a mess (always has been) but now I feel like I've hit rock bottom.

Currently just lost one of my last remaining friends (I'm 31F) after taking the plunge and asking her why we things have changed between us lately. I tried to approach her in a way that I knew the friendship was already over and just wanted the feedback on what I've done wrong or why she's pushed me away.  We had been super close previously and in the last year I noticed the change but she hates confrontation so I avoided bringing it up. 
Her response was extremely cold as though I meant nothing to her. She came up with an  excuse as I knew she would "new role at work have been so exhausted". (Has been working from home and couldn't even ask how I'm doing since lockdown). She proceeded to say how she has people she's closer to and never sees and they don't react like this they seem fine. Then said she doesn't care to continue such a stupid conversation and I'm being dramatic for no reason. Now I know I'm not being dramatic because when a person stops making an effort with conversation and then doesn't answer calls or call you back you kind of get the hint. I've done so much for this girl and it really hurts that she doesn't care anymore. We literally catch up 2 or 3 times a year now and live 20 minutes away from each other. When I ask to catch up it always sounds like a hassle and I need to book in months in advance.. 
Also she knows about my past where I've gone through alot of pain and lost a group of close friends due to a sexual abuse incident within the group (that alone is something I'm not sure I will ever get past). So after knowing that you would think she would be kind and understanding and not reject a friend who is going through a tough time already.. 
she's younger than me so I'm going to put it down to maturity but it still sucks. 
I seriously feel so alone right now. I have a partner who is very supportive but he has no clue what to say or do. 

[Maggie]

@Coconut_lime_11  Welcome to the forums.

I’m sorry your friend has responded the way she has. You may be right regarding maturity, but needing to know where you stand in a relationship is important.

I have lost friends in much the same way, you notice the distance between you, phone calls don’t get returned. It’s really hard, especially as you have put so much into the other person. 

You are right, it sucks.

You might find in time you are better off without people who don’t respect you, or try to understand the trauma of your past.

Do you see a counsellor, or psych? Sexual abuse is a very deep wound. Your GP will be able to help with finding help.

I’m glad you have a supportive partner, but sorry about the not knowing what to say or do.

I’m glad you’re come to the forums. So many others here do understand.

Take care. 💞💞

[Coconut_lime_11]

@Maggie Thank you for reaching out. It's nice to know someone understands this pain.

I haven't seen anyone about this situation.. I know I need to but find the process of speaking your story very traumatic. I was seeing a psych prior to the incident (about 3 months of sessions) and found that they were not very helpful and we didn't click. Having to go through that again with a new person just seems tricky.

Other than the friendship issues I have a history of drug and alcohol abuse in my family and struggle with my own alcohol issues too. 
Because of all the issues with my family I've always put my friends on a pedestal and treated them so well.. finding it so difficult that I've literally lost everyone but at the same time I think I realise they weren't respecting me as a good friend should.  
Every new friendship I try to make now seems to be fake and I can tell they don't really care or want to continue anything. Many people don't understand what I've gone through and I think they just don't want to deal with the drama.

[Tortoiseshell]

@Coconut_lime_11 I'm sorry to hear you've lost a friendship recently, and felt that they were not putting in the effort, that can feel so lonely. It's very courageous to reach out here when you're feeling alone. Please keep doing so if it helps 🌻

Also I thought you might be interested in some of the more fun social threads like Saturday Soiree - all welcome!! or Hot Chocolate Anyone ? New members very very welcome! 

[Maggie]

@Coconut_lime_11  I really do understand not wanting to go over and over your story, re living the trauma. It’s important to find a good fit, that’s tricky, very tricky. I think you know when/if you are ready, it’s knowing yourself and your needs.

There was/ is alcohol issues in my family also. Adds to the layers of uncovering why we are as we are today. 

I think low or no self esteem puts others, friends included, on pedestals, I know I’ve taken far too much abuse and ill treatment from so called friends and acquaintances.

If you feel comfortable looking around the forums, there are so many of us struggling with so many issues. We find help and encouragement in each other.

It helps to know you are not alone. That’s what you are going through, others are also.

Take care today. Keep sharing as you feel safe enough to share. 💞💞

[Coconut_lime_11]

@Tortoiseshell Thank you for your kind words. It's all a bit new to me but it's nice to know there is support out there.💕

Slowly navigating my way through this site, thanks for the tips re. the social threads. 

love the name btw.. my first cat was a tortie! 😸

[Coconut_lime_11]

@Maggie I'm sorry to hear that you have had/are dealing with alcohol issues in the family. It's not easy going through that so I understand the damage it can do. Hoping that uncovering those layers will bring some peace and clarity someday.

Thank you for your kind replies. 💛 it's been a bit of a day but I don't feel so alone right now. 

Btw I am in the process of finding a new psych or councillor as my heart and mind are screaming that I really need to work through a lot of stuff. Going to do a bit of research and choose carefully myself this time. My last psych was highly recommended by a psych acquaintance and she was really cold. I know they aren't the same as councillors but she acted like a very strict teacher and I felt like I was back in school. Anyway I'm sure I will find someone that works for me one day.. hopefully soon! 🤞

[Maggie]

@Coconut_lime_11  I was really pleased to hear you are looking into a new psych/counsellor. It took me quite some time to find a good fit, but looking back now, well worth it. Hopefully soon for you. 🤞🤞🤞

I smiled reading you had a teacher like psych. I had one like that also. She was a good fit for some, but not me. We are individuals, one size does not fit all.

Sorry yesterday was a bit of a day, hopefully today has some good in it for you.

Sending some 💞💞

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @Coconut_lime_11, my first family cat was a tortoiseshell too! That is the inspiration behind the username 😺 Great to hear your persistence in seeking out a psychologist or counsellor who is a good fit for you, and also that you are going at your own pace getting to know the forums 🌻