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Pheenstar
Senior Contributor

Feels like the system needs help too...

im going to rap up any posting about my partner who have not been able to get any help for her what so ever, on and off the forums, We are splitting and she is moving out with the kids, i thinking it will be joint custody, and i will stay in the house, to either sell up or get the mortgage on my own. For me nothing really changes if she goes or not, obviously it will be nice to not get kicked out of your own home or abused in it, but i stood my ground now for about 3 months that she has gotta get help or i not getting back together after she called it off as it the right thing to do... topic is completly taboo now and while it wont help her if she leaves, not being able to abuse me as i will only be there for help routine dont work either. I wil go out and exoerience people with real emotions again and forget the past for a while, kids will still be my real only focus though, 

while the forums are good, so you got documentation of your thoughts, they no help for my partner, she even read all my stuff just last week and that still didnt help her. The forums did help me understand how bad the phych system is though or how there is virtually zero understanding of personality disorders, where there is no violence or depression, i think i got even a bit unlucky with some of it, but through, friends, family, medical, police, courts i seem to come up with zero every time... and i came up with zero for a long time too, but once i had th smallest bit of information on bpd and morbid, it all does make sence and i was so willing and confident that i could help this if done right, i was determined, my heart was in it 100 percent and its usaullly hard to stop someone suceeding if they truely believe as well.  But this was a big fail by me with extreme conseques for our family, most of all kids and my ex partner...i dont have really a give up bone in my body, but the system nearly is built to make you give up it is that bad...

im posting this and the post will finish off later, it might be a long one

12 REPLIES 12

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

So here are all the things i triec to do and how they panned out...

september, i got the police at my door, and she put an avo on me and moved out of the house herself with the kids, i had no idea where they were.. complete rubbish, ive never touched anyone in my life, im 42 not as much as a compliant against me...  her story didnt even make sence, it wasnt even believable... so with shorts and a shirt and no other belonging cause i could ne suicidal.. i go up there for two, three hours, and then got to walk home about 3 kms barefeet... 

family and friends in a panic, spending half my days telling em i didnt even think qbout touching her and blah blah... i think most people just believed her, nobody even had the sence to ask, where or show me etc, they just went yep, He has completely flipped after 42 yrs, so i never Touched threatened or put her even down. I hd no idea where she was with my kids and a week later she flew to germany, with my concent, or you could say i was looking forward to a break from her more than anything i had ever looked forward  to... She even arranged a supervised meeting with the kids, that i said no to...

so during this week i arranged help for her in germany, with freinds and family for support, to see if it could get sorted when i ws out of the picture, i even had german translator at my house to talk to the parents... and Then as she is in the air heading to germany, i finally have time or during that week to reflect and read about these personality disorders, i had never even heard of em before,,, it took about 5 seconds of reading the definition of morbid and since then for me its been so cut and dry, i have never waivered from 100% certainity that she as this, so i call off all the help, as thats going to be no help, and change it to phych help, which never got off the ground, the parents wouldnt even take calls and her family were happy to see the grand kids, and while they begging me to stay with her, changed there tune and refused to help t all , after about 3 weeks and the excitement died down, i had o pretend i wanted her back home as i could tell in her tone and speech she was going down hill

about a week after she is back im about to go to work and the police are back again, this lady cop, is telling me not to get in the car and they get a ambulance to come to my house and i get taken away to accute care in the emergency section... i have a interview with a phych nurse nd i tell him im fine, 100% and its not me who needs any help and i try to express the morbid story about my partner, and again im out the door of the hospital, nothing on me just 12  dollars in my back pocket and start the 6 km walk back home, for christ sake, at least if there worried about me really, drive me back home or something... so im walking home and stop for two beers with my 12 dollars, i remember the tears rollin down my face just thinking about leavin and leavin the kids with her.. I call her as its about kindy pick up to pick me up to... so im waiting out the front of the pub, and she turns up with the cops again, different ones... She is running down the foot path while im leaning against the telegraph pole screaming something to the police, to take me back to phych hospital,, i told em i just came from there and there nothin wrong with me, she looks crazy as a cut snake nd the coos didnt know what to think, i said lets all go down there as i wanted them to see my partner anyway and in this state, surely they could see something would be up... so the police rang the hospital and they said they domt want me, i am fine and i tried to go there with nelly, she caught to this quick and refused, so on the way back to the car she started abusing me and i just turned around and refused the lift with her, I walked back to where the police were and the lady cop tells me ive had to much and not allowed into the pub,,,,i was completely calm and sober and i wasnt going back into the pub anyway, but i walked home just thinking how bloody unbelievable that day was... so a week later i go back for an interview with a phychartists, again im trying to work out this disorder and asking him a load of questions and telling him about her behavior..At the end he prescribed some low dose psych drugs and i ask why, like you joking mate... and he tells me it will help me cope better.. im like feeling a million percent mentally and i got some home who is a complete basket case and he prescibing psych pills to me.... so i knew i wouldnt be taking them and just laughed it off again, then the psych team are ringing me everyday to see if im alright... asking the same big 5 question, any thought of self harm, are you sleeping , are you working etc etc, Then the next psych appointment i just keep my mouth shut about nelly,  For me putting medication to affect my thought process is scary, and i didnt know anything about these drugs and i knew i felt great, so the 2nd guy was a bit rushed that day, but he rattles of the same questions there been asking every day, and asked if i taking the drugs, i said no mate... he said i got to take em, and then said , just take em, i asked what do you think is wrong, and he says, your in a drug induced phycossis and these will bring you out quicker,,, i just laughed it off but i was thinking, this guy just dont give a sh it, , It was like the dumbest thing i eever heard... anywaythe community psych keeps cqlling every couple of days to ask there five question... which always the same answer, Yes sleepin good,  not thought of self harm etc etc after anout a month the calls slowed down and stopped,, i never even got an all clear, you are right, or best ok luck, just un recorded disapperence of the help i didnt need...

to be continued

 

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...


So, im just replying to my own email, nothin really of significance tto wtite about , but i feel my time or discussion about my partner or ex partner is coming to an end, possibly on the verge of getting some help, but will power to analyse, care, strategize is dying and now thoughts are more around how to get this lady away from me, i gotta get her away, so i got some time to recover... i pretty sure, i will have to keep my eyes on her all my life, but at the moment and the foreseeable future, there aint no one there to help her, and possibly no one will ever even try even if she trys to get help... it feels like there's an unspoken code out there that im not in on... '''' thats ignore the issue long enough and it will go away, we are all phycologist and we are the great mind manages of this earth and hope some other bloke will take care of it, ''''' but it not going away...and now, im going away, i gotta leave this probably once beautiful women, to support her and my two boys for the rest of her life while she wells in the murky waters of a personality disorder for the rest of her life... i got to watch someone achieve nothing in life and do and say the same stuff for probably another 50 years, And my boys, maybe it will be different for them, i can only hope, i do believe, when i go, this disorder will stay with her, it might seem a bit quiet for a while, but its got to latch onto something else or the other mental problems might get worse, maybe depression etc.... Abusing me definetly made her stronger some how... when i am being abused at toword the maximum level she can dish out, i see confidence and the expression on her face is barely noticable, the staring into nothingness and scrolling on the phone dont happen either, and most people wouldnt pick up anything is wrong just by looking at her.... but the last 5 days, where i just go out at night and keep distancing myself more and more from her brings out the crazy eyes, and then nothing gets done...
So a lady came around on friday night, as part of the mobile phych team, Nelly had been to the doctors, got a referal and they must of wanted to come over pretty quick, So i was just home from work and she was in a panic about something, so me and the boys went for a shower and the lady came over and started talking to nelly,,, after about an hour, she asked if i can have a word, So she asked a couple of things, where im guessing my answers were not straight from the old text book, and she kind of didnt acknolodge what i was saying as anything and got shovelled out the door... definely in under 3 minuters, maybe even 2 minutes, so i knew that Was a complete waste of time again... so the next day, nelly looking like her eyes are all fucked says have u read this letter >..... posted below........

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

From to be continued above

so by this time all friends and family dont get it, some have there own ideas, sme to busy to get, some think its me, but everyone seems to be dissappearing . This is not that big a deal as all my time appart from work is for the kids... somehow i can go to work, pay the mortgage, support the family,  both kids are happy and confident, even the dog is spot on, fix up the house but if i try to say whats what with my partner they ignore or want to make some week diagnosis and then commit to to something that aint even # Or why would i make up some technical detailed analysis peronality disorder about my partner and 100% back up the story

to be contued

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

other avenue used i been usaing to try to get understasnding and help are these forums, but that gets shut down witrh standard basic answers and comments of about me getting help, i even know a guy who was in the phych industry as a phych nurse, and reached the very top , one under the minister of health in nsw about 10 yr ago... i asked him fr advice and the low down on the system and about my partner, and again the stuck in the mud old pric came over to see if i was alright, with the she needs to go get help, and if i been taking this psych meds with zero contacts that coukl be of any benefit..

So then going back to the AVO CRAP, she couldnt even drop the charges cause it wasnt her anyway, All complaints must go to court, I just represented my self and she even said no he didnt touch me, and its  even frustrating for her how laid back i am , so i wasnt going to bring up and abuse my partner on the witness stand, and she did a good job for her limited capacity to not try and abuse me at every opportunity,,,, But because i never cross examined her the only evedence he could use was her original video taping, and that even said nothing so it was guilty with a section ten, no conviction... Now that might sound like a good result, but to be labeled with that stick after the abuse ive copped from this disorder and the work i put in with her the kids and myself is just a big kick in the guts..But then and this was probably my fault, the procecution who didnt know anything about me, her or the case, was asked by the judge if we should continue the AVO, HE didnt have an answer, so they went out side to ask my partner, and of course she had walked off insterad of even w2aiting for result for another smoke and stare into the abyss, so the judger asked me, I said "I DONT CARE" words just popped out , but i meant AVO or not i dont ever touch a nwomen, especially my partner... but this set the aragant pompuss A R S E right off, , And while the section 10 stayed, he put me on a two yr good behavior bond and anger management with community services, This was begining of march we up to now... So i go down there, where it looks like everyone is half a some sort of criminal and the lady dont have the court papers and stuff, so i try to sort of explain the crazy situation, and she dont know what to think as she never seen any section 10s come down, but a guilty is a guilty and i didnt want her think i just refuse to see that im a women beater,,,, she said she would contact my partner and do this and that to even see if im suitable for anger management... she had some sort of plan any way, and its a court order so she cant just overturn it... so she was my case officer... i cam back two weeks later and got a different lady,,, she just said go and get on a mental health plan, book in at baptistcentre for voilence against women course and the other one was to do a facing up course.. with no conversation taking place, i just say no worries, and keep on doing my thimg, the abuse is kind of just nothing now, I more impressed if someone has something useful and the abuse is the norm... Also in the mean time i have tried to  get her help from a friend of hers, she owns a phych business but she has just been diagnosed with cancer, so she not working, she even did her phd in personality disorders, I know her and, she got three young kids ands is a good women, most the time she was sick so couldnt  do anything, but i gave her the log in s to this forum and had a talk on the phone and my partner was even promising to listening to her german friend, but this never happened and the mention of the topic sets here off in a rage... i dont mention it,, but  if she wants to know something or comes up with another load of crap plan to convince me that that she is nothing wrong and continue the relatiionship with her, and i say the same thing i have for two or  three months now, i ask you to do one thing in 7 years and now i am onloy here to support and help you and until you get help i cant be with you and will still be here for you and a 24/7 father as usual,So the german psych now text me every now and then with no under standing of her condition, and goes on about relationshipo counselling witch i just reply, that woukld be my dream to get to that stage, but i am not having a relationshipo with a disorder, i dont even think that side of her as a person even, net alone a women and the disorder has taken over her life completely,,, I dont even feel for her when she talks about her feelings as there not even hers, its a disorder that doesnt have feelings you can really offend, She is actually right here and she cant handle that im writing on the forum and doesnt get why i would bother... after this i got to find the court order psych for myself and book in for these lovely courses and when i do them and hang out with , im sure some lovely women bashers, i come back and take care of business, surely oneday i gunna need a rest and it may be coming but i seriously doubt it, I said she should move out when the time was right and then i can get the house ready for sale, not sure she can do this though, might just get a load of talk.. and agian every few days she saying how we get back together when everythinmg calms down, But that day will not come as she wont get the help, I think the abuse has scared me for now and just want a house where i can feel secure and get everyones life, especially my own back on track.., From what i have seen from this indusrty, if she gets help, there really no one there to help and understand the problem or give a shit. Heaps other stuff i tried to.,.,.. Zero help for her, people want to help me though but onl;y where it aint needed, i do have a couple of top psycharists in the city now i know and they tell me i doing it right, but for now where is my psych referal, i cant find it , i might of sub conciously wiped my arfse with it... @Former-Member @Matosh @Appleblossom @Lunar @Sane74

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

Hi @Pheenstar,

many many persons agree with you that the system is disjointed (even the government has said this recently), however you may be pleased to know that major reform is currently in progress. We can only hope that the reform makes a positive difference and leads to some significant changes. In saying that, despite systemic issues there are still many excellent mental health professionals out there.

I guess like all professions, there are bound to be some good ones and also some bad ones 😉

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

Hi @Pheenstar,

I love your humor lol

But in all seriousness the system was really bad many years ago, but from muy own personal expereinces both accessing the system (in the 2000's) and studying psychology (once in the 90's, and again recently) it's really is getting better and better (perhaps exponentially better since the days of incarceration) probally because little was known about psychology, but I think this is changing rapidly 😉

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

@NotLabelDefined i saw a phych today that was very good, actually, the first phych i ever seen phycholist, he was very knowledgable about my circumstance and helped me quite a bit on how much the help can really help and put this issue to rest, And specialized in family matters and will be seeing him again on advice for my kids and hopefully my ex partner can see him too in a family related roe as well... Kind of contradicts my posts earlier that i felt necessary to make but i feel didnt help mine or any situation , but always good to nlearn from mistakes

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

hello @Pheenstar @NotLabelDefined

Pleased to hear that you were able to see a psychologist and feel some relief and promise.

You are still trying and good luck with seeking a better life for your family, your children and however things work out with your partner.

 

Re: Feels like the system needs help too...

@Former-Member i am happy to get past this issue of helping as it was stopping the help, i dont know what to do with her family back in germany, as far as i am concerned, i will be there for her, always, but someone from the family needs to fully understand how she is. As a father i would want to know, or a brother. I cant have a relationship with a disorder morally and my oldest is 4 and half, so i hope we can seperate quickly so he can become used to life this way. I need a day or two to digest this, but with the kids and a part time job, i think there is no huge danger in the next few years.. i will be there for the abuse to minimise it towards my sons when i get a break from it and get strong again.. the house will still be her name and hopefully we can do family things and it doesnt effect her.. i feeling her pian or probsbly im feeling the pain that she aint feeling

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