Lived Experience Forum

[Adge]

Thanks @eth Very thoughtful with a lot of insights.

It's sad that you have sad anniversaries at this time - so do you too @Appleblossom

I shall try to remember that we have much in common.

Self-care, yes shall try to think about more of that.

Hi @Owlunar

Thanks @BlueBay That's lovely.

So much is being written (daily) pages & pages on the forum, I cannot read or keep up with it.

Overwhelming.

The best I can do is short posts (if anything), especially at the moment.

Kind thoughts to you all.

Adge

[eth]

Take care @Adge   Sending warm wishes.

[Appleblossom]

@Adge 

Yes we do.

I was thinking of getting a bird ... in a couple years maybe.

Struggling a lot with the whole living and dead stuff.  Plant matter til its not plant matter.  The carbon based organic stuff vs the inorganic ... carrots dont feel ... but plants do ...

Was even getting too OCD about it for me. Researching NZ geology and stuff. Too worried about waste and all levels of water consumption. Thinking of the old novels Dune and The Martian Chronicles.  Reaching too high for safety in the garden .... Realised I was in a LOW mood.

I used to hate it when they said he or she has "insight" as if that was the end of the story.  Insight is always particular.

Not making big or quick decisions for a while. 

@eth @Owlunar 

Turning in circles a little and jittery... back and forth on what to wear and what to do etc ...  but decided to go for a walk at local beach with support worker. Regressed and was childlike and got a coat like she requested. She actually thanked me, because it was a good thing to do.  I know I did the best things possible for my children too ... 

Sad and not up to lots of things I had in my diary.  Seeming to be going through a I dont deserve mode and self punishing.  Ambivalent about receiving my NDIS support.

Pulled lots of weeds and Spoke to 3 council dudes today at beach. They were working out what to do and chatted and later actually thanked me for advice re coastal management. So ole boffin apple has productive bees in her bonnet. 

So sad why my family ( of marriage or upbringing) could not love me. Feeling sorry for myself today.  Was tearing up. My conscious wants were always simple. All I wanted was people to go for walks with, or watch some tele or chat about a book with, but everything became such a drama.  Not a drama of my making.

SO 2 thank yous today, but still feeling delicate.

[eth]

Thinking of you too @Appleblossom and sending love.  Be gentle with yourself for a while if you can. 

I am aware of already preparing myself and protecting my boundaries with my mother visiting in 9 days and staying here for 6.  She has a major potential to trigger me into revisiting many old hurts and traumatic events.

I am too tired tonight to respond at length - there was more I wanted to say but it left my brain while I typed the above.  I had psychologist, podiatrist and psychiatrist all today and am somewhat fried.

Just know I care @Appleblossom @Adge @BlueBay @Owlunar @Shaz51  xx

[eth]

@Appleblossom  what I wanted to say is that there are many events and people and even music that I can't ever mention with my adult child either.  It's hard sometimes to always put their needs above my own in those situations.  But all I can do is accept how it is for them.  I don't know if they'll ever truly accept how it is for me.  Recently my mother (who has rewritten history in many ways to keep herself happy in her older years - ways that are really hurtful to others who were present at the time and seriously affected by what really went down) started spouting off about how different people can have different truths about the one thing/event.  It left me quite speechless.  It's really hard but I am trying to put into practice the realisation that there's no more point in wasting energy on trying to express my truth to either my child or my mother.  And that is really hard sometimes.  

And 'really' is officially an overused word here but it works.

Really tired already and the season has just begun.  Hearing you about tragic events all around us in recent times, including NZ yesterday.   Sometimes I just need to avoid media for a bit as the repetition of tragic details can get overwhelming.  Maybe escapism, but MH has to come first, and I have a tendency to empathise to a point where it's not good for me, and that doesn't change the situation anyway.

Take care lovely, I do think I get you in a deep way xx

[Adge]

@ethMaintaining any boundaries with my Mum (or trying to make them healthy), has always been a constant struggle. So I can relate to boundary issues with family members (or anyone).

Yes, media barrage of constant negative views & only disasters (nothing uplifting or positive) - it too easily overwhelms (& triggers) me. I get the Sunday paper, yet have not watched TV news in Donkey's years...

Self-care - that's always a tricky Bug Bear, that is.

I've been urged to buy myself Christmas presents & Christmas (special) food.

That doesn't come easily or naturally (to buy myself special food or presents) - especially considering dire financials.

The sad fact is that if I don't buy myself special or christmassy food - there won't be any at all.

That's been the case for at least 9 years.

I've booked into a council community Christmas Day lunch (you have to book) - that gives me a bit of festive spirit (nice decorations), music & people to sit with & share the meal.

Somewhere nice to go, instead of being at home on my own (the only other usual option).

They're all strangers of course, never see each other again - usually really nice people.

I've been there before (for several Christmas lunches), when it was much closer to me (only short drive).

They moved it to 30Km away - which is part of why I never got there last year (everything went pear-shaped).

I virtually blacked out (collapsed), whilst attempting to drive there in extreme heat - then had an MRI scan of my brain, a week or so later (to see what wrong).

Scan never found a cause, yet it's never happened again - so hopefully okay.

Adge

[eth]

Hey @Adge   I hope you get there safely this year and really enjoy the gathering.  I love the idea of buying a few Christmassy things for yourself.  This year I have given myself a bottle of Drambuie - bit of a tradition for me for many years that I didn't do the last 2 years.  Planning not to open it til Christmas, but who knows?!  And the only other thing I used to do when I was living alone and isolated was put a star on top of my favourite candelabra - served the pagan in me as well as the Christmas symbolism.

Take care my friend.