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Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Gday @TAB how's it going

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Are we thread hopping @Bill16 lol yeah good how have you been 😸

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Yep all good 😃

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Tonight I'm writing just for the sake of talking about what's going on in my head; to get it out.

 

Every now and then I'm triggered by romantic movies or music; anything with a theme that resonates with uncomfortable memories. Although they're past experiences well worth forgetting, the complexities of PTSD ensures I'm never really free of them and their symptoms.

 

Typical are headspins, something akin to sea sickness, a deep sadness and swollen chest filled with heart wrenching tears. I breathe deeply into my abdomen, and then slowly out while trying to be mindful of the present...by the book.

 

If let go, they're the harbingers of depressive feelings, I've faced myself in this mode hundreds if not thousands of times, yet it still hurts. No, not like before thank goodness, but aching none the less.

 

Recently I've come to realise this pattern has a physicalness to it. We're so quick to self blame for not being mentally strong enough, but I think the body and brain have been trained to react in a certain way to certain feelings; like turning on a tap.

 

I suppose you'd call it 'body memory'. When I watch a man and a woman together in a movie for instance, my chest might swell, and it begins.

 

Most times I can redirect by calmly saying out loud; "No, not today" and it subsides. Tonight though this didn't work. My last intimate relationship was full on emotional torture. Eventually I was so frightened to 'feel' anything, I was an exhausted mess...damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

 

Well I did, I walked. Obviously there's so much more to it, but the crux of things is that I'm still mentally unwell years later. Anyone who's faced their mental health with 'acceptance' knows how difficult this process is. "I don't think I'll ever be well, I might as well get used to it", a far cry from a broken leg which is what many compare it with; how stupid!

 

When I don't sleep well, anxiety creeps in too. I feel it now; clenched teeth, head spins and vibrating. It's all in my body. I guess that's what I'm getting at; my mind's ok.

 

Anyway, I'm tired and might head off to bed. I feel a bit better, though quality sleep will make all the difference.

 

Thanks for listening...

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

I'm scared...

Not like frozen or dissociated, but genuinely worried about how my business will work out. Well to be honest, it's more about me being the best I can be. Will this be good enough?

 

I think of times I've been thanked by people in forum land for the advice and counsel I provided. Being able to edit my words prior to posting is a gift. When talking in real time, the brain works slower without an edit button. Lots of um's and ah's, or uncomfortable silences. What if I have to say; "I don't know"?

 

It's not like I haven't had any practice because I have. I think I've been doing it my whole life come to think of it; listening, commenting, redirecting and offering my opinions.

 

There's more accountability this time though; more responsibility too. It feels like a burden...

 

Anyway, just needed to get some words out...nigh-night

 

PS.. thanks @Sophia1 for acknowledging my last post Heart

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Hello @Hope4me

 

I read through the whole thread ...hence you might receive quite a few notifications of support buttons...sorry about that might be annoying in one hit...however, I feel that it is far more important to let you know that you are worthy enough to have every word that you have written read...

 

I can relate to so much from the start of this thread to the end in so many aspects of your life..

 

As is the same with @Sahara whom I used to write to quite often for a while on one of her threads....I don't remember the name of it...would also have been under my previous user name...

 

I will write this again as I think I need to strongly emphasise my meaning....I relate so closely to so much that you have written including the isolation....

even the Microsoft Solitaire would you believe !!!

 

Getting back to your last post...I can waffle on...apologies there...

 

your words:       

 

There's more accountability this time though; more responsibility too. It feels like a burden...

 

Anyway, just needed to get some words out...nigh-night

 

If I respond to this as though I was writing about myself (stay with me here...I will get to the point eventually...fog brain)

I would now tell myself ..."don't be so silly....so negative about myself...of course I can do this...I am so more than capable...I do not have to listen to the negative diatribe that still resides somewhere in my fog brain ....squats..

So I am going to refer to my negative thoughts from now on as Squatters..

 

I actually like the sound of that....feels relevant and helpful...

there I have actually complimented myself as well..

I have also not bent over backwards to reassure you as I normally would....even though I still wish this reassurance for you so much..

I need to remind myself of my personal boundaries re this very matter that yourself and Sahara have discussed at great length also..

In fact we could be triplets!!

 

Promise this is the end of the story....

Oh just one more thing laugh...

You can do this....

As I often say to others read back over your words of support to others and apply them to yourself...self nurturing...feels foreign doesn't it..

 

PS.   I just could not resist...

I too often use the term night night on here when talking to others late which does not happen that often...An affectionate term I always used with my boys...

 

💜🙀

Not sure if this still makes sense as was another case of invalid HTML..

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Thanks @Sophia1

Wow! The whole thread; and yes, my notification board overfloweth with Sophia! If I might add, you were preasantly restrained in your response. lol You go girrrrrrl...Smiley Very Happy

 

Well that's it isn't it? Restraint? When I started my recovery process, I wasn't prepared for the amount of self assessment and evaluation required. The hard part though was settling my behaviour and communication style to cope with life and be more calm around others. Passing these experiential gems onto clients is part of my programme, let's hope they 'get' it.

 

It's ironic my business is in the helping profession, though it's a specialist field of mine so I have confidence I can do the work. Having no-one to debrief with might be an issue. Therefore I'll only be doing 20 or so hrs per week to keep my MH in good nick. Coping with all those poor souls trying to project their stuff onto me will take some skill and then some.

 

I have all the qualities I need to carry this off, it's just that old adversary 'doubt' who comes to call now and then.

 

I know by what you've written, you grasp my meaning. There's a mid-ground between 'unable' and 'able', especially for those of us who know 'broken'. Being aware of triggers and when it's time to take a break or walk away is one of our greatest achievements Sophie.

 

When I talk about this stuff I feel a sense of heightened awareness, passion and energy. These tell me I'm on the right track. I know we complain about being too eager to save people from themselves, but it's what we know. Why not pass on learned knowledge to people who need it? I hope there's something out there for you in this regard...

 

Lovely chatting with you hun...

Hope xo Heart

 

Edit: I prefer not to 'name' my negative thoughts as this gives them more power over me. Better to accept they exist, let them breeze in, express things rationally and wind down. Then, it's all about me, not the thoughts. H x

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Hey @Hope4me

 

I think this may be one of your original threads. I'm still trying to figure out this website and where to post. You know I am a bit of a silly one Smiley Wink

 

But, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well. I'm sure that you are having lots of emotions about your business, excited, anxious, the whole mix! You've done amazing @Hope4me! It gives me HOPE! I think your breakdown was in 2014 from memory, so maybe in another 2 years I will be a bit better, and will be a contributing member of society. That would keep Scott Morrison off me back eh! No more guilt trips from the Libs. 

 

Hopefully the Christmas/NY wasn't draining, you recharged and even though you may feel self doubt creep in every now and then, you know that, that is completely normal given what you've been through.

 

I believe in you @Hope4me!

 

CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE!

 

Yeah! Go get em!

 

Corny xx

P.S 

My shrink doesn't want me on the forums too much, but ya are in me thoughts. Right in me Noodle. The squishy part near me fuzzy form Miley Cyrus.

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

Hey there beautiful @Corny; It's just after 4am and am awaiting a response from a Lifeline consultant.

 

Thankyou for the supportive post my lovely. It's so nice to have you in my corner. I also hope you're able to get back in the saddle within a couple of yrs. Lord knows the community needs people of your calibre and you so deserve it...hope springs eternal!

 

I'm off the phone with Lifeline and have had a good cry; was triggered by talking about a past event that was an exceptionally difficult situation to endure. I understand these triggers will happen, but am concerned I don't have anyone to debrief with when the business finally starts up.

 

Will call for an appt with my psych when I get up. Have taken prn to calm the waking giant and get some quality sleep; it'll kick in about 1/2 hr from now.

 

 

My Xmas was as expected; dealing with an angry impatient mum, got in, got out asap. Rescue remedy 101. Woman Wink

 

Rain's pelting like cats/dogs and lightning/thunder's hitting like bombs. Better head out my lovely...

 

Sending lub, lub, lub to the squishy parts of your noodle! Say 'hi' to Miley for me Smiley Very Happy

 

Hope xo Heart

Re: How to accept help after a life of helping others

My heart goes out to you @Hope4me. I know exactly how you feel. As you say, of course these days/moments will happen, but it doesn't mean it's easy to ride those waves, especially when it results in insomnia. That's what unravels me, the sleeplessness. All the interpersonal traumas we've had since birth have left us with a very flimsy physiological response. When I had my breakdown I felt my nervous system go to another level of flimsiness. It makes me really sad. 

 

I had a lot of tears, sadness and grief wash over me yesterday too.

 

I sit here by myself in my 1 bedroom apartment some days and think how nice it would be if I had a loving partner to hold me, and someone who loved me at times like that.

 

The absence of touch in my childhood has really taken a toll, and I am sure that if I had more affection and intimacy in my life I would recalibrate my nervous system more quickly.  It's something partnered people, or people who have had very little time when they've been single for long periods, take for granted.

 

So instead of having humans to help me keep my physiological response down, I have had to create and rely upon making a bubble and my own cocoon.

 

I may be safe in my bubble, but I am not free.

 

I guess that's the saddest part.

 

You will get there @Hope4me. Our roads are just more windy and a little more convoluted. More stops and starts, than others, who have better health and more love, understanding and affection.

 

I'll be thinking of you.

 

I saw my doc twice last week and he wanted me to try and focus as best as I can. I think he's realised that I am so symptomatic that instead of trying to burst the bubble, and pressure me, it's actually only because of the bubble that I am still here.

 

He got out my file from my hospitalisation cos we were talking about pharma again, and he was looking at the ECG, and I think this is why I felt so sad for myself yesterday, cos he said, "I have been around a very long time, and that is the lowest heart rate that I have ever seen". It's my dissociation, physiology doesn't lie. He took it on Friday and it has improved slightly, but can change suddenly because I am easily triggered and go into these states, or flip into hyper-arousal.  He wrote up a list of 'stabilising behaviours', and 'destabilising behaviours', that put me in this trance-like state, where I can't concentrate for the life of me, printed it out and gave it to me. I know that the Internet can be very triggering with my flimsy nervous system so I am limited with what I can do, and the support I can give to others who are suffering. It's not that I don't want to support people more, it's just that all this trauma has stuffed my body. I hope you understand @Hope4me. I wish I could hang out more.

 

It's lonely in the bubble some days, but I know that I need more face-to-face with kind people. It's hard making lasting friendships and takes a lot of time, for all of us. I've only been back in Sydney 4 years after 16 years in regional Australia, and it's tough making mates. I don't regret the move though, this is my home now. 

 

The Mardi Gras Film Festival goes out west later in the year. I hope to see some of it in the big smoke, I hope that you can catch some of the films out there in the bush @Hope4me. A bit of escapism is wonderful. 

 

Hope that you got some Z's and feel rested. Enjoy a lovely hot cuppa. I would run over my Nana for a cup of tea right now, so I best go make it!

 

Corny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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