Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

I'm glad I have helped @BlueBay  - it's my priviledge

It's great to know

Dec

[Shaz51]

sitting with you my second mum @Owlunar 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51 @BlueBay @outlander @Razzle @Zoe7  etc

It's been a bit of an up-hill haul lately - I had to take antibiotics for cystitis and then my toenail became infected again and the idea with a second opinion that I have to have my toenail operated on again is not something I am particularly looking forward to - there are worse things true - and yet I had the pharmacist tell me "there's nothing worse than not being able to shower" - really - I am sure there really is - and I said so - but still - I am not looking forward to this. Actually - the podiatrist and two GPs have told me this.

Aah - golly - not fun - not happy Jan.

But I have stopped the antibiotics - I always feel off colour taking them

Rough week - my back ached a lot - a part of my life this - a big part - one of the reasons I am here - I have flares like this at times - I hope it's better today - 

 My daugher's husband has developed angina and has seen a cardiologist and will be having an angiogram next week. He's quite a bit older than my daughter and I have thought that he would be likely to develop age related disorders around this time of life. I am concerned naturally but it's quite possibly going to be straight forward - he may need a stent - mostly I feel concerned that my grand-daughter is a long way from her parents right now - living up in the Sunshine Coast - her health is not good which is one reason she moved to Queensland - she might want to come home for a visit - it might be very hard for her to be so far away right now.

He has older children from his first marriage - he will have a lot of suppofrt through this - my daughter is a very practical person - not given to anxiety as I am - which is good - 

So that's my life right now - like I said - there are worse things than not being able to shower after toe-nail removal surgery - but I am sure this will be okay

Dec

Oh yes - it's this time of year - I am doing well - I have got through April and most of May and only rung Life-Line twice - which is some kind of record. I thought a lot recently asking myself why my grief for my son has been going on so rough for so long and realised at some time recently that it's possibly not that he died because he was so unhappy - but rather that his whole life was really hard because of his unhappiness and that thought is hard to bear. I have always known how unhappy he was - he had low self-esteem and adopted children - even adults - must wonder why their birth mother had to put them up for adoption - it can be the case that no matter how badly the adoptive parents wanted them they did not want to be adopted - this I understand. The mind and our feelings are not always reasonable

This is a huge step forward - I've done well this year and only have a few weeks to go until the anniversary

I'm so glad my friends are just a post away

Dec

[Former-Member]

@Owlunar   I hear you.

Kindest thoughts and well wishes being sent your way.

You really are one strong lady.

Sherry 💕🤗

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Former-Member 

It took me a long time to realise that I am a strong person - I really wonder if that does make life any easier but I do go on with things - I believe we are never given anything more than we can deal with

I wrote the above post in bed before I got up and I had forgotten - I had a hair-cut last week and it's a lemon. W-a-ll - it takes 6 weeks to get past a bad hair-cut - 42 bad hair days in the meantime doesn't thrill me but there are worse things - I did think of going back to the hairdresser and saying "Please fix this - I'd like another inch off" and I just might but she layered it - darn - it all adds up but my daughter and I have a little thing we say to each other at such times

" It's better to have a bunch of things mess up a week than spread it all out over the month" - this attitude works

Thanks Sherry - your kind remarks are always appreciated

I hope you are getting through your issues of pain and sick husband and mother-stuff. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to take time out and I miss things - I will have to look back on the forum and catch up

Dec

[Razzle]

@Owlunar  For such little digits, those pesky little toes can cause so much pain 😣😣. I have 2 toes in particular that get an in grown nail, it is soooo painful.  If you need surgery I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

I’m with you on the antibiotics, my tummy has trouble with them, I often feel like the cure is worse than the cause.  

I read your response to Blue Bay about your son on her thread.   He was very lucky to have you in his life.  His life was difficult, but he did have a very strong pillar of support in you, and I hope you are very proud of that .  

My son that I lost in a car accident would have turned 22 last week.  I visited his grave, laid some flowers and cooked his favourite meal for tea that night - sausages, mashed potato and gravy.   The anniversary of the accident and his death is in a few weeks, only days apart from when my daughter leaves to live overseas for a couple of years.  I’m extremely happy for her to go and live her life, I’m very excited for her, but I’m going to have to put on the “mask” and look happy while hiding how I really feel around that time of year.  

I miss him, I always wonder what he would be like now.  He had only just turned 9 when we lost him, it was way too early for him, he still had a lot of life to go.  Life can be so unfair.  So, all I can offer you sweet Dec is that I know how your heart can ache for a child lost, I know how a date on the calendar can cause so much pain, but know you are not alone ❤️❤️

[Owlunar]

Aw @Razzle  - the loss of your son was such a short time ago and he was just a little boy - my son was 16 - he could have followed any career he chose to even if it was to be laying pipes or digging ditches - 

Yours was sooooo young - any young death is hard to take and what can we say to each other? There are no right words for such an horrific event

I'm glad you mark your son's anniversary and visit his resting place. I certainly note the day but I haven't gone to my son's resting place for a long time - no need to - I think about him every day

It must be tough for you to have your daughter going overseas - yes - this is great for her and she has her reasons - when my grand-daughter was planning to move interstate I told her that if she was going then this is the time - the same for your daughter too I think - once we settle down, have a partner or marry, have children - buy real-estate - we are not able to fly off regardless

But it's tough for you - I really understand that - I REALLY understand that - I wondered if my daughter and my son-in-law would move to Queensland but he has other children and grand-children here and I think they will stay but the thought of them moving away from Melbourne is something I really don't want to think about

So the mask - I understand the mask - 

And you have that little grand-daughter too - living a long way from you - I haven't read about it lately - having taken some time out from the forum - that is such a tough thing to have going on

Some of us have a lot happening in our lives - I wouldn't change anything in my life - I have learned a lot through the rough and tough parts - but who would chose it? Really - who would

Dec

[outlander]

thinking of you @Owlunar xo

[Razzle]

@Owlunar   It’s interesting what you say about visiting the grave.  I don’t especially feel anything there, I don’t feel like he is there, I feel him here at

home.  I’m not sure why I even go to the cemetery, it makes me uncomfortable, not because it’s a cemetery, I think I’m more uncomfortable that I don’t actually feel anything, maybe I feel guilty about that??  

My daughter met an Irishman almost 2 years ago, so she is heading back to Ireland with him.  They will be back in 3 months for a couple of weddings, then they head back to Ireland, she will have  a working visa and will work and travel around Europe until her money runs out, which she expects will happen in around 2 years.  If she doesn’t do this now, she never will so I am very pleased that she is doing this, what an adventure !!

My granddaughter is 7 weeks old now, we haven’t seen her since she was 3 weeks old.  It’s a big mess, but the other family thrive on drama and I won’t feed into that, so I have taken a big step back and have distanced myself from it all.  It’s hurtful, but it was affecting me mentally, so for my own health it is much safer for me to step away.

I hope you have a lovely weekend, it’s sunny here at the moment, but we are expecting rain over the weekend.  I’m about 4 hours from Melbourne, so we are a little warmer and drier than you guys, but I think we are all in for some very cold weather over the next week or so.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Razzle 

The thing I feel about people's resting places is that they are not there. Whatever happens after death is unknown and people can believe whatever they choose to - whatever works for them - but the children we have lost have moved on

I wrote this little story about my son before but I will write it again - we found a dead bird in our garden and my children - quite young - were interested and concerned and I told them "The bird has died as you can see - the body is still here but the spirit has left" and not long after that there was a dead bird when I took my kids to Sunday School and I heard my son explaining this to the other children saying "The bird has died as you can see - the body is still here but the spirit has left" - he must have been about 5 years old then and I marvelled that he had even remembered - he understood it as well.

And this is true - there is no need to feel guilty because you feel nothing at your son's grave - you feel it every day - I know this without being told - you think of him constantly and talk about him when you do - a cemetery is a cold and unwelcoming place.

As hard as it must be not to see your grand-daughter it is better not to buy into the other family's drama - yes - they thrive on it and who would want that leaking into their own lives - I would not play into my mother's games, co-dependency and insecurities - I paid a high price for my independence but it was worth it

The other grandmother sounds very controlling - probably thinks she is the king-pin but my guess is she is insecure and needs to present this persona which is rotten for you - I had a lot of this in my own extended family - so I do have an idea but it was not my grandchild

It's tough Raz - but I hear you

Dec