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Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Goodmorning @Former-Member I slept okay - woke up a once but managed to get back to sleep. I have work this afternoon and need to go in early to get a few things orgnaised. I would rather not be doing that today but there is only one week left so I am sure I can get through it.

Hope you have some good in your day Hon Heart

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Good morning @Former-Member, Weekends over now..it’s back to meetings and groups and more groups..not much me time through the week...visit with psychiatrist today....

.I hope you have a really lovely day Sweety, that goes for everyone reading.,  

Warm and caring thoughts..

Starta..

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Oh @Starta, I hope the psychiatrist visit goes well.  Try not to worry too much about it.  Yeah I know, thats nearly impossible. But just keep in mind that the psych is there FOR you, and is not against you.  He is not there to judge you, only to help you.

I know you are missing your little furbabies, as they would be you.  Have you been able to contact your neighbour B to ask how they are going?  Here are a couple of little cuties to keep you company through your day, and to give a big cuddle to when you need to. I will be thinking of you too.

Much love to you.

Sherry

 

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Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Dear @Maggie @Zoe7 @BlueBay @Starta @Peri @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else interested.

I have needed to concentrate more on my caring duties the past couple of months, and have therefore devoted more time to that thread in the Carers section.  But in all honesty I am really going through a tough time personally right now.  I need to concentrate on getting me back up again, or else I'm simply not going to make it.

 

It was a difficult and triggering session with my psych last Wednesday, even more so than usual.  We discussed a lot of things which brought things right back to the fore.  I mentioned to her that I have been getting very dizzy lately.  She firstly asked if I was having panic attacks, which I have been, but dont seem to be directly associated with the dizziness. Then she asked if it was 'anniversary time'. Which it isnt.  Its all of 2 months away.  But I keep going back to that now because 2 months is not that far off. I so hate late February!  

 

Then right at the end of the appointment as we were making our next appointment for next year ... she gently tells me that she will be selling the business.  What !!!!!!!!  She cannot do that ... can she?  She is the owner of a large well respected clinical psychology practices, which employs 12 practitioners at last count. She tried to reassure me that she would be able to retain her clinical patients and she would find somewhere else to practice from. She said she is just tired of all the administration side of things involved in running a fairly large practice.  Its a good thing for her, and I'm happy for her.  But .... and its a big but .... it leaves me feeling very unsettled and alone. She is the only real life support I have ever had, she has, in all reality, kept me here.  She knows me, she knows what I go through, she understands me, I can talk to her.  I walked out of there and then broke down in tears in the car. I emailed her on Friday and told her how I felt. She responded by saying "change can feel unsettling, particularly when someone has experienced trauma where predictability feels safe. I am letting people know so they can be prepared for change when it occurs". "Please don’t be concerned about the business being sold. I will continue to be available as per usual, it just may look a bit different and it is likely to be some time away still."  But even after that, I still feel stupidly let down and abandoned.  It leaves me feeling vulnerable because if my only real support can be lost as easily as that, and it could happen any time, where will that leave me?  I cant go to another psych. This one has been fantastic, and I cannot go through all that I have already been through with this one.

 

So now I am feeling so vulnerable and exposed. Then, also on Friday, I was cut off from some other beautiful people whom I care a lot about, people I have known for close to a year.  Thats really hard, because I care for them, I want to be there for them, but now I cannot.  Its important to feel that you contribute something to others lives, that you can actually make a difference.  But now I cant. It frightens and angers me that we can be cut off so easily, and for no other reason than someone in power with an axe to grind.  Its really sad, and I regret that I was 'discovered' before I was ready. Once discovered, my exit was a foregone conclusion.  

 

I have spent a few nights now, awake all night, no sleep at all. Worrying and hypervigilant, always. Thankfully I got a few hours off and on last night. But I have not been sleeping well for a while now, and now its just nearly impossible. I am just dragging myself around by day, getting to hubbys appointments as needed, but very little else.  I am meant to be going to my pilates class this afternoon, but I soooo do not feel like going.  But it will be the final week until after new year, so I will try.  Its just that the way I feel, it could be a little dangerous.  I have been so dizzy again, so tired, so shaky and breathless.  I've hardly been able to eat the past few days, and when I do, I'm physically sick. I'm really not doing well. I had actually put a couple of kgs weight on over the past 2 months. Now though, its all coming off again. I didnt really want that, as I was looking quite gaunt, and actually needed those couple of kgs.

 

My Mum and Dad are still at home, still barely coping, still totally messed up with daily vital medications, etc.  Such a worry, the pair of them. Dad is on blood thinning meds, but Mum has been forgetting to give them to him. His latest INR tests meant they increased his meds.  Likely not needed if only she'd give him his correct dose in the first place. But they insist they are fine, and coping.  Only a matter of time, I'm afraid.

 

My brother is going through a tough time at present as well. With school assemblies and socials happening and seeing the other kids from his little daughters class.  And Christmas time too with Emma being their youngest child, Christmas is a really sad time. No more Emma.  She would have been 14 now.  Another sad Christmas without their youngest child.  This is something they will no doubt go through every year for the rest of their lives. So rather than Christmas being a joyous time, it is a reminder of what should have been.  I'm sure many people feel that way at Christmas.

 

I guess I am having a day of introspection right now, examining all those inner thoughts of mine.  Its not exactly pretty I must say.  And when I get that way, I tend to write or do poetry.  Thats the thing with poetry, its often when we are at our lowest that our emotions and creativity come to the fore.  We can do our best work. Which for me isnt great, though I am proud of a few pieces I've done in the past.  Anyway I've done enough rambling, sorry to bore you all.  Another day.

 

Sherry Heart

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Not boaring @Former-Member I'm just afraid I might be triggering you. If that's the case, I'm sorry.

As for your psych changes, my counsellor did the same a few years ago, and I went through all the same emotions you are going through. Its tough with all the other responsibilities and anniversaries you are trying to get through. Lots of these for you.💜💕💜💕

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Dear @Peri.  I hope you've had a good day.  I note that you have not been back since joining and posting your kind words on my thread here yesterday.  I'm sure you didnt join Sane simply to comment on my thread, so hopefully you will be able to find the time to allow some of us to get to know you a little better.  Perhaps we can compare coping strategies. There is a stack of combined knowledge and experience here and many people willing to share. Would you like to share what treatment have you had so far, whether its been effective, what areas are you still striving to do better on, etc?

 

Yes @Peri I have been very honest and upfront with my life story here on SANE, I have always felt safe enough here to do so. My psych was the one who suggested I join a MH forum and this was one she recommended. Her theory was that I needed to open up about my life story and to learn to talk about my traumatic experiences.  I really have no other outlet or support other than the forums, no friends, no longer any work mates. Nobody in my real life knows of my trauma or my subsequent PTSD diagnosis. So the Forums are a very important therapy tool for me. As you are a new member, I must advise you that rules do not permit us to disclose any information which someone reading may be able to identify us through. But, other than doing what we all need to in order to maintain anonymity, I have been 100% honest here.  I hope you feel confident and safe enough to also open up. Talking and sharing is very therapeutic. You will be met with kindness and understanding and your thoughts and feelings validated. This place has become for me, a safe haven. A place to rest, take stock, regroup, and then go give life a chance again. Then I come limping back when in need of further TLC and encouragement. The people here are great, always kind and understanding, no matter how regular a visitor you are. I hope you will return, and I would welcome getting to know you and your story a little better.

 

@Maggie, yes I think I recall when your counsellor departed. Its hard, isnt it?  I'm glad you understand. I know it sounds silly, and I worry that I may be becoming dependent on my psych. Dont worry Maggie, you havent triggered me.  I'm not sure I can be triggered any more than I currently am anyway.

 

@Zoe7, I hope your afternoon at work went well. It sounds like you are adjusting well to being back at work. Are you enjoying it?  @BlueBay How was your work day?

 

@Starta - I really hope your psych appointment today went well, along with all the meetings and group sessions etc. Please remember that I am here for you any time you need to chat to someone. I tend to be awake all night lately, and could use the distraction, so you wouldnt be bothering me. Are you still being given sleepers every couple of nights?  Have you noticed the difference having a decent sleep makes Starta? Woman Happy

 

I'm really not going too well here. I'm trying hard to pull up, but dont seem able to right now.  I wanted to go to my pilates class this afternoon, I should be there now in fact.  But nope ... couldnt make it.  I've been feeling horrible all day - dizzy, sick, jittery, light headed, my chest hurts, breathing hurts. I've forced myself to eat something, but that too failed.  I guess I'm just a dreadful failure all round.

 

I fear I'm becoming paranoid. To my knowledge, I dont have that.  So perhaps its just the current circumstances which surround me.  I feel I have eyes on me and ears listening in. Some people are not content to just hurt, humiliate and banish, they want more. I dont know what motivates some people, I really wish I did.  I only wanted change, improvement, something to benefit all.

 

There comes a time it becomes too hard to continue picking oneself up each time you get knocked down. There comes a time when life just seems way too hard and that there is nothing left worth picking yourself up for. I think I am getting close to that point.  I seem to be losing everything - hubby is slowly dying, parents too, suicidal brother, I lost a number of on-line supporters over the weekend, my already very limited support base is dwindling even further. Soon there will be nothing left. Suicidal thoughts are becoming stronger, sounding appealing. In my current state I'm not sure I'm mentally strong enough to keep them at bay. Please dont worry ... I am safe for now. I'm trying hard to fight this. I have to, I still have people who rely on me.  Hubby does, he's too ill to look after himself, he needs me.  After a previous experience with SI, I know what to do and the numbers to call.  I dont know, I may need to retreat into my own safe little cocoon for a while.

 

Sherry Heart

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Please don’t retreat ,I need to hear from you.  I will start my own threat a bit later today I am feeling very fragile at the moment.  And just can’t say too much.  But you give me strength,  

peri

 

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Not at all boring @Former-Member - very descriptive and heartfelt and that is what we are here for - to support each other when you are going through so much in your life Heart

It certainly seems like you are being hit on all fronts right now and that is a very hard place to be sitting. I know the news of your psych selling the practice would be devastating but the up side is she will still be avilable for you and in whatever form that takes it is a good thing. ...but I do understand that change really affects us, any change, and that is something everyone will need to get their head around when it happens. I felt much the same when my GP moved practices - it was like I was leaving my safe place at the old practice as the people there were all so nice but I have settled in to the new place and the people there are lovely as well - but it did take me some time to get used to it. It still is not the same as the old practice but I still see my GP and that is the important thing.

There is nothing more you can do for your parents but I know that is a major cause of stress for you too. The future there seems uncertain and that is hard to deal with when you know they could be cared for elsewhere and lead a longer life - but it is their choice and all you can do is value the time you have with them when you get it. Are you planning on visiting them over the christmas period?

When it comes down to it @Former-Member you can only do what you can do and you need to look after yourself as well as hubby (and everyone else). It doesn't sound good with the dizziness and not eating and one could be contributing to the other - when do you see your GP again - would be well worth making an appointment and discussing what is going on for you.

I hope this all eases for you soon Hon - you definitey deserve a break. Hugs and hugs and a whole load of love coming your way Heart

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

Just caught up on this thread and read your latest post @Former-Member - you are certainly in a dark place right now and there is no wonder Hon. We are here for you though so reach out as much as you need, write as much as you need, get it off your chest as much as you need - and we will walk right with you Heart

Re: Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

I don’t see an @ button

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