Our stories
I'm trying to overcome feelings of deep betrayal, disappointment, resentment, sadness and abandonment. Nothing at all to do with here I should add. I feel like crawling into a hole and just giving up. I don't know why I ever bothered to try to improve things elsewhere, I only put myself in danger by doing so. Despite my best intentions and efforts over a 3 year period my voice was never heard. Too many personal agendas and backroom cliques, too much defending their own at all costs. I will never understand this. It was all so wrong, so unfair. Now I'm the one left appearing like the bad guy, the crazy one, the trouble maker. I'm not ... I detest conflict, it makes me physically sick. But I am also a person who will stand up for what I believe is right, whatever the cost to me. The cost was high, and now I am suffering the consequences.
I have to learn to set this aside, to let it go. There is nothing more I can do about it now, too many bridges burned. I have been stewing over the past several days, making myself sicker than I already was. My suicidal thoughts have returned in force. I feel helpless, defenceless and wronged. But I know I cannot survive with this bitterness lingering within me. It will eat me up and spit me out. I tried to retreat, let things settle. It didn't seem to be working so this is plainly something I need to get out of me. I need to speak my mind, get this knot of pain out of me. I need people to understand .. the why's, how's. I can't allow myself to close off from would be support or to wallow in self pity. I need support, even more so now than ever before. I need to find a way to recover from this and heal. My psych said change is very unsettling, especially when having a traumatic past. So what do I do to accept, adapt and lessen the pain? If I were not affected by long standing trauma, would I cope any better with this? Or is it just further trauma on top of existing trauma? I guess PTSD just stuffs up our brain and we are less able to process or adapt. I dont know, I'm confused about it all.
I rang and made an appointment with a hairdresser yesterday for a haircut, and got straight in. I was lucky. I have long hair and only ever get it cut once or twice a year. Hubby likes short hair, or long hair worn 'up'. So I try to compromise by always keeping it long enough to put up. Getting a haircut is meant to make you feel good isn't it? It didn't. Oh it's a good cut, but I just don't feel good about it. This morning when I looked in the mirror all I could see were haunted looking, sunken eyes with sleep-deprived dark circles. The scar beneath my eye (from recent removal of BCC skin cancer) seems more obvious. My chicken pox scars from childhood are now visible around my temple. If I'm to be honest I'm looking gaunt and sick. I look at other scars too, the hidden ones. Hidden to others, but obvious to me. I've aged a lot over the past 3 years. I'm 59 but, until this year I always looked much younger. Perhaps a considerable loss of weight over the past 12 months has contributed to this. Whatever the cause, I now look and feel much older than my years. Cutting the fringe has exposed previuosly hidden flaws, I feel I cannot hide any more. I've always liked a longer fringe to hide behind. Hubby hates it though and always makes sure I know it. He likes the new cut though. I'm glad about that, as it seems I have nothing left in life other than to try my best to please him. Maybe I should just get a short pixie cut, which would please him even more. No .. not ready for that just yet. A bit radical for me, something which I'm not. I am a very conservative and shy type of person.
I would like to thank SANE and everyone here for your wonderful support over the past couple of years. I know I have come and gone a little over that time, but you have always been consistent in your enveloping support and comfort. You have been my saviour through many tough times, a safe island upon which to land.
I may be a little haphazard in my posts for a while as I try to figure out whether I need to talk or just vegetate and slowly subside from existance.
@Maggie @Zoe7 @BlueBay @Starta @Peri @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope
Sherry 
Often when we are feeling lke you are presently @Former-Member it is good to stay connected but I totally appreciate that it is not always possible to do that either.
I hear you Hon and know by your words that you are in a dark hole right now - there is a way out but it does take time. You have so much going for you and these people have their eyes shut if they cannot see it - you are an amazing support to many here, your words inspire others, you are extremely empathetic and you care deeply for others. These are all such wonderful attributes and make you the amazing person you are. It seems that these people have their own agendas and if you do not fit into the mould that they have themselves formed then you are on the outer - there is no fault to be given out here - sometimes we simply move on because our own morals and beliefs do not align with others. Stay true to yourself Hon and these people will one day realise what they have lost in their lives with you no longer being in them - 100% their loss @Former-Member.
You continue to be the amazing person you are and search for that little light in each day - and while you do that let us support you through this darkness. You are much loved and cared for here and such an integral member of this community.
Love and hugs and many of these
