Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

I've been in that horrible place where the pain feels quite overwhelming. It will pass. Can you let your husband know that things are feeling so overwhelming? Life line is really good get things out and then be able to 'let go' for abit if its just going round and round or maybe writing it down in a letter (for noone or to give your psych) I write emails to my psych and i've found that it helps me to be able to let it go because i know i've 'done something with it' and i'll be able to 'do something about it/deal with it' when i see her next, so i find it easier to distract myself from in the mean time...if that makes any sense?

For now, just keep holding on, repeat to yourself that they're only memories, that you're a long way from where you were and that you're safe now. The answers don't really ever seem to fully come to understand 'why?' but it does get easier. 

LJ

[BlueBay]

Hi @Drac0

After crying myself to sleep I managed to stay asleep until 2am.  My husband woke up as he couldn't sleep as I know he is stressed about his mum going into permanent care today.  

I couldn't tell him, he has too much on his mind at the moment.  

I am okay this morning, just feeling confused about the whole abuse stuff.  I keep thinking why me, am I such a freak that guys just loved to abuse and use me for their own pleasure.  I keep thinking what i have done in this life to deserve all of this.

I need to stay focussed and positive today - it's going to a warm day so off to the beach later on.  I'm also catching up with a close friend for coffee and I may just tell her about these new memories.

I know I am not making this up; it is so true.  I know that being abused by one guy is bad enough but now 5 different times over my childhood/teenage years. I'm struggling.

I did chat online with Lifeline last night and they were great.  Offering me support and making sure I would be okay when I finished chatting.

You know, it just feels like one huge nightmare, time after time, more memories keep coming out of my hidden treasure box.  One by one they keep coming out and testing me, challenging me - but i don't really know if I have the strength to keep going.  I am crying so much as I am typing this to you.

I'm sorry for going on, i just need to let this out.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

I am able to email my therapist and I actually did last night.  I had to tell someone, so I emailed her.  I am hoping that she can get back to me today.  Unfortunately she is away next Tuesday so I have to now wait 2 weeks before seeing her.

I have an appt with my GP tonight, so i will tell him.  He is amazing, supportive and caring.

I don't really know why these memories have come now; trying to work out why now - but i don't think i can work that out and probably never will. Things happen and it's challenging, painful and very traumatic.  I hope I can get through this.

My rational mind understands that these are memories.  It's my emotional mind that is taking ove at the moment and it's taking over big time.  It's then hard to stop and go back to rational mind.

Hoping today is a better day.  I guess I will need to talk to my husband - it's just I dont' know when or how even to start the conversation.

[Drac0]

Hi @BlueBay, I'm glad you reached out to Lifeline last night. You had me worried & really needed to have contact with someone. I'm glad it helped you some.

---

I am okay this morning, just feeling confused about the whole abuse stuff.  I keep thinking why me, am I such a freak that guys just loved to abuse and use me for their own pleasure.  I keep thinking what i have done in this life to deserve all of this.

---

This is the type of thinking you need to start trying to change. You are not a freak & certainly not to blame for what happened. The fact it happened is a big enough issue to deal with without loading the idea that somehow it's your fault on top. Try not to transfer their guilt to yourself, keep it where it belongs - with them!

The beach sounds like a great thing for a day like today. I hope you are somewhere like I am where they are pretty empty even on a day like today. Might have to head out there myself later. And a coffee with an understanding friend might be something that helps keep you going through the day.

Sounds like you have a GP that's good for you, it's great when you get a professional that you can connect with. The feeling that they care & understand you in some way makes things a little easier.

Hopefully you can also find a way to breach the issue with your husband soon. I know you are both going through a lot with your MiL but trying to shoulder your own problems pretty much alone on top of that isn't what you need right now. Hopefully you can talk to him & it may help relieve some of the intense pressure you have been feeling, having someone close to you to share with.

Don't ever worry about 'going on'. You need an outlet for everything you're going through & that's exactly what this place is for. Make all the use of it you need.

Take care & stay safe today.

[BlueBay]

Thank you so much @Drac0

I went out this morning with hubby and told him of the memories.  His comment was 'it happens to a lot of people, not just you'.  WTF - that is not the comment I wanted to hear.

So that's why I think I tend to 'do it alone' because he is no support. I know he has a lot on his plate at the moment, but I thought it was the right time to tell him. 

I don't want to go anywhere today, i just want to hide away.

I have called my new psych and told the receptionist I need to talk to him or see him asap because of these triggers.  She said I can see him on Monday but she will email him as well.

I have a terrible headache. Wish I could just wipe it all away, take it all away from my memory bank.

I guess that can't happen so i will struggle on.

Thank you for being so supportive on here.  I know everyone has their own issues and I feel sorry for everyone that deals with mental illness, whatever it may be. It is a struggle and a really hard one at times. Something that I think people that don't have a mental illness totally understand.

[Drac0]

Hey @BlueBay.

Sorry your opening up to hubby didn't go as well as you wished. I hope he can come to understand that yes, it has happened to others, but that doesn't change the pain & anguish the memories can have. We all react differently and to suddenly have it all pop up out of seemingly nowhere can be really devastating. Maybe with everything going on around you he is still trying to come to terms with issues affecting him & is not ready or able to be the support you need right now.

Good that you will be able to see the psych on Monday. Hopefully your doctor can do enough tonight to help you through the weekend. Always someone here to help you as well if needed.

Don't lock yourself away too much today. Maybe even just go outside, sit in the glorious sunlight & soak up some free vitamin D for a little while. Not as good as getting out to the beach, but hey, we need to do what we can.

Like you, a lot of times I feel that people who haven't had to deal with MI don't seem to really understand. I've always been more comfortable talking with those who have been there. They just have a different perception of what it's really about.

Take care of yourself - despite what you may feel try to remember that really, you are far from alone in this.

[BlueBay]

My husband is so consumed with 'sorting out the garage' and sorting out his mum into nursing home.  We have to go later on and give her some clothes as she left the hospital with what she only went in with.

Why does life throw these things at us? Why does everything happen at once.

Isn't it enough challenges and traumas that I've gone through now.

I will try to get to the beach later on.  I really need a swim to release my anger.  Always find floating on the water a calming effect.  

My whole life has been abuse, abuse and abuse.  If not sexual abuse, then it was emotinal abuse from my mum.  And now I don't have her in my life because she and dad abandoned me.  I can't go there with this, it's too hurtful. I will write another time.

But for now I will try to eat some lunch and keep my fluids up as it's hot.  I guess just one bit at a time, that's all i can do.

I emailed my therapist and he has phoned me back and managed to get me an appt for tomorrow morning. I guess he must think it's urgent from what I told him about new memories.

I am so glad to be able to see him, as I need to talk to someone face to face.  Not that being on here is not a good thing, it has helped me so much.

And knowing that I am not alone really helps.

[Drac0]

At least there are a few bright points coming from this @BlueBay. You have an appt for a face to face you need & you are at least thinking of getting out & doing something to help you calm down a bit.

I guess your therapist is thinking a little like I was last night, that you need some time sooner rather than later. Probably a good thing these forums are anonymous - not sure how you or hubby would react to some strange old bloke turning up on your doorstep in the middle of the night just to check you were ok!

That's something that has changed in me over the last couple of months, paying more attention to other peoples problems leaving less time to get upset about my own. I'm even doing things that would have been impossible a few months ago and taking time out to help others, strangers, even in real life. I guess some people would call it being a good Samaritan. I've shocked myself with my own actions lately.

Take care & I hope things go well with your doc & therapist.

[BlueBay]

You are so kind @Drac0
Thank you for caring. I'm actually right now at the beach and floating away so so beautiful and calming.
I'm so lucky to live near a beach!!
I'll let you know how I go tomorrow with therapist.

[BlueBay]

So this morning I had a session with my regular therapist.  He just doesn't get it and it frustrates me so much.

You know I told my therapist about these new memories and he said - they are only memories, it's not happening now; it was bad what happened; but he more or less said - ok it happened, you can't do anything about it, it was the past.

Then i told him that i hadn't been at work for 4 days because my depression is not good.  he said to me i need to force myself and just go to work.  He was getting the fact that i am struggling with my depression, it's a dark space i am in and he just doesn't get it.  he thinks i am just sad. i don't think so.

I was annoyed because I wanted him to be more understanding.  I wanted him to say oh no that was terrible, lets work through these memories.

So I left pretty annoyed and angry.  I am seeing my new psych on Monday and hopefully he will be more understanding.

I sometimes feel so let down by my therapist.  He tells me he understands but sometimes I don't know if I believe him.

I can't remember if i said that I have emailed ASCA (adult surviving childhood abuse) for their support.  But when they said to me to call them, I did twice and hung up because i was scared to talk to them.  i was so scared that i will be judged and didn't want to go through those memories again.

I did receive another email from the ASCA counsellor saying that if i do ring, i don't have to talk about the memories.  But the counsellors will talk to me about soothing, nurturing and caring for myself.

So I think i will call them on Monday when i am on my own.  i think i still need to talk to someone who has the experience of childhood abuse survivors.  they are qualified counsellors.

Tonight i am feeling lost, isolated and not wanting to do anything.  This forum is the onlhy thing at the moment that is keeping me going, because i can come on here and chat to others.