Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[soul]

I'm glad that you are having a massage tomorrow @Exhausted1. Last time I had one, I fell asleep. I kind of felt a bit cheated but I guess that I must have been very relaxed. It's nice to have something to look forward to even if it's a small thing.

Don't feel as if you are a failure. What you are going through isn't trivial in the slightest. It's a massive undertaking. You have tried so hard and at times it comes down to there being no more left in the tank to give.

Please do make the effort to see a doctor who can refer you to a psychologist. You can access some subsidised visits that way. It may be helpful. It's nice to have friends around for that support. I'm sure they would be willing to help out when you explain the situation you are in. 

@lovemyboys and @Faith-and-Hope are both dealing with sons who have issues as well as many others on this Forum. 

Be gentle on yourself.

[Appleblossom]

@OrdinaryDad Your story was tough but your priorities ring with the truth of one who has trimmed away the non essentials and is determined to carve some quality of life out for your daughter and self. The situation with your oldest can only be remedied by him now.

Boundaries can be difficult to figure out and decide upon.  It has taken a while for me to figure out my bottom lines.  It has be what is relevant in your own home with your family's own particular needs.

@Exhausted1

Your story about detoxing your oldest is inspiring and he is a lucky young man. Great he is in rehab.  Def no money ... to waste on drugs ... zero ... my opinion. This country has basic social services and let him use the natural limits of little money to use the services to pay for essentials.

I was a drug user from 16-21 but nobody helped me get off .. I did it on my own .. that does not matter but some "help" simply enables problematic behaviour.  Dont be tricked into doing that stuff .. doesnt matter if you are a milliionaire.  And yes it is scary and people do die playing those games, but he is a grown up and there are no guarantees.  Do some research and go into lockdown to protect yourself and the younger one ... but always be available for provision of healthy food or good things, like a raincoat or a sleeping bag. Also zero tolerance for abuse ... he has had enough chances. Be down the line. He has to take responsibility and he may slip up as he comes completely clean.  I did it took me another year after I decided I needed to stop.  Cigarettes were the worst of all.

BUT the biggest thing I get ... is BOTH your sons are actually getting off substances ... whether it is the boy in rehab or the boy a week off smoking do pe.

I tell you a little of my story to give hope.  Guilt or over compensation is a no win scenario.  I dont believe working longer hours and making more money would help at this stage. Gentle pressure on targeted issues to get them to both lift their game. I also spent all spare money on individual sessions for my son but have had to shift the emphasis to me as ... I make better use so .. bottom line .. I get more value out of them. They can waste a great deal. My son also trusts my good will .. I may make mistakes, be a doofus a PIA and all that ... but he knows I do love him ... tough love is tricky and no-one can really tell you the right way to love your own children .. just my thoughts.

I am horrified by the level of drug issues and homelessness the young people face these days ..In many ways there are more services but it is a more complicated world for vulnerable people.

Best of Luck

[Exhausted1]

My son has left rehab, 8 weeks in and he has flown the coop and landed himself in Melbourne and partied hard - drugs included of course. He called once the money ran out- he didn't call me but my parents/ his grandparents.

I am so livid, dissapointed, hurt, panicked - God I could keep on going for a whole paragraph on my emotions. It is just like him to be selfish and spend all money he has and then expects everyone to runa around after him. Well I wont! I refuse to. I told my parents to not get him, he is 23 and needs to learn his lesson but they caved and here we are again. Back on the carousel of Hell. I am so burnt out that I was contemplating how I could keep making myself go to work each day as i feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown and now this.

I wish I could convey the trauma that he has put us through. My PTSD was evident on the weekend when my youngest son lost his temper and raged and yelled. I was a mess. My heart rate was so elevated and the pain in my chest hurt so severly I wondered if I needed to go to hospital. I was hyperventalating- it was horrible. I ended up falling asleep, my body shuts down when the stress is to much, it did this today also when I found out about the eldest leaving rehab. Its like I cannot cope, the mind is so overloaded it shuts down. Weirdly its not a choice, I literally shut down. A pyschologist once said to me its my body/minds way of being able to cope.

I cannot believe he is back. I cannot go through this again, it nearly cost me my sanity and life last time. My chest hurts as I type this. I cannot live through this again, I have done 8 years of severe hell and im terrified about what is coming. I had his Father before this who is an undiagnosed BPD and I was with him for 16 years, and then my boys and their MI's. Funnily enough I am the one shattering into pieces but I dont have a mental illness. 

I know I am his Mum but I am exhausted. I have nothing left to give, he has sucked all the life out of me. I just can't do this.

[soul]

Oh @Exhausted1 - I couldn't even fathom your despair right now. So your son hasn't contacted you yet? Just the grandparents in an attempt to manipulate them. 

As parents we want to do everything we can to help and protect our kids and you have done more than anyone could ever expect. No wonder you are exhausted and in such an anxious state. You say that you don't have a mental illness. I beg to differ. Anyone in your position would be suffering from anxiety and depression at the very least. 

Have you thought about what you would say if he does make contact? Does he have a place to stay? Is Melbourne where you are too?

Really feeling for you, listening and hoping for a good outcome in all this.

[Jbck]

Oh my heart goes out to you, having two with issues must be so so hard. You too have a life that you need to live, your burnt out, are you getting any help? If not please do for you. I know they're your boys that you love dearly, but do something nice for you.

[Exhausted1]

Sorry for the absence I have been in a dark place mentally. My son has decided he is not going back to rehab. Typing that line makes my heart pound uncomfortably. He is at his Grandparents house and fixing his car that he crashed. once that is fixed he has been told he will need to leave there.
I don't know what will happen then, where he will go, what he will do. I suspect he will call me umpteen times a day for money and make me feel horrible if I don't give him any. It will be the same old, same old. He will leave messages that will guilt me into helping etc.
I have found a new counsellor, she is affordable, and I'm hoping to find some inner peace. She made mention of me being terrorised and traumatised and those words seemed to fit well. My softness and nurturing side make me a perfect target.
It's hard because I have two sides, one that is the Mum and feels such pain and sadness for her eldest son and would give anything to help. I feel such pain of others and have issues saying no. The other is the abused and exhausted adult that says enough is enough-I cannot take anymore, I am so broken. It's very confusing.

In other news my youngest son has been doing well over the past week and had settled some. He even finished a short course, which for him is a huge step. I'm hoping he will be able to look for work in the next few weeks. Fingers crossed..

[Caringmother]

Hello Exhausted, my son who is 42, and is highly functioning, has also been diagnosed with BPD and displays all of the issues/challenges you have written about with your 23 year old son.  It is very difficult to know what to do to help him and to save yourself from being washed away.  Given that your message was written in June 2017 do you have any insights in how to deal with children with this disorder?

My son also has a 3 year old daughter and our concerns for her safety are real.  We have managed to get him to agree that he won't drink/drug on the day before he has her and his ex partner breath tests him on the morning she drops her off.  He is doing well with this and with the extreme nature of the illness these small wins are celebrated. 

Thank you for sharing your concerns it has helped me to realise that I am not alone in dealing with this particular illness exhibited in the same way, with someone else.

Kind regards,

Caringmother.