Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

Hello @katie, how are you today xx

Hello @Determined, @soul, @Former-Member

[soul]

@R-B-B - I saw your post via email. Are you okay?

[oneday64]

Hi @katie Welcome! You are not alone. My wife has BPD and currently hospitalised. She is very unwell again but it has taken a huge toll on me too. I find the fear and anxiety of what happens next the worst. When I walk through the door in the eveinig will it be loving or rage? When I have to say I'm traveling for work will it be rage or abandonment, or so many other triggers. We were recently evicted from our rental because of a fight she had with the agent (over a carpark of all things) and had only just moved into this one before she once again attepmted suicide.

So, with all this chaos how do we the carer or loved one keep it together ourselves? I attended the hospital education day last Tuesday to try and learn about the program. I felt that it held some hope for my wife.

I wrote to the hospital insisting they either include me in the development of the discharge plan but if they dont I will need to take action to protect myself

I see a counsellor who is familiar with our story and I try to talk to friends and family and use these forums, attend a support group and somedays just ring Lifeline

So, what sort of helps me is 3 things. 1. Information about my wife's condition and treatment to know she is safe and maybe there is apth forward for her. 2. Trying to establish boundaries for my own safety and sanity, and 3. Support from wherever I can get it.

This is my story and each of us is a bit different but we are not alone if you know where to look for help

[mogul]

I posted this in a new thread, but thought it might be more appropriate here about my relationship with a BPD woman.

Her behavior is textbook BPD: black and white world view, wild mood swings, self-injuring, reckless drug use. She had a very promiscuous stage, and even though she’s past that she constantly reminds me she’s been with ‘many hot guys’ and holds that experience above me at times, because I did not have a promiscuous stage, as if it makes her more attuned to how a proper sexual relationship should work.

Then on the other side of the coin, she's confided in me she’s about her suicidal thoughts, and I’ve personally experienced her disassociating, and her constant fluctuating between idealization and devaluation - of me in particular (one moment I'm her 'salvation and true love', the next I'm a 'manipulative creep').

She can appear narcissistic and lacks any sort of decorum – she’ll just matter-of-factly tell someone to their face that she thinks they’re stupid. I met a friend at a hipster bar once with her - I showed up in nice jeans, a button down and sport coat... he wore a hoodie - and that was a trigger. She became upset that the guy wore a hoodie to a bar and told him "you really shouldn't go out looking like shit like that." This was like five minutes into meeting him.

The thing is, she’s actually a kind heart and much of her stress comes from what she thinks is an evil, cynical world. She tells me all the time she wish she didn’t act this way. She’s also really smart and graduated at the top of her class at a top-ranked private university in 3 years and finished her masters a year later.

The worst part for me, aside from worrying she’ll hurt herself, is the idealization/devaluation - I have no idea how she truly feels about me - and the fact that I have to walk on eggshells around her because I don't know what is going to trigger her. In fact, what constitutes a ‘trigger’ changes - she's had emotional outbursts for opposite responses I've had to things.

For example, one moment he emotional outburst might be to the tune of "you don't get angry enough... this is serious" and days or even hours later be "you take things too seriously.” Another example, one day she was berating me with something like "you should really stop thinking about what you're about to say and stop sugarcoating things... just say what you think" then literally minutes later, in another outburst, the tone changes to "do you ever think before you talk?"

She’s paranoid, and sometimes when I don’t respond to a text for an hour or so for whatever reason (like being in a movie or training session at the gym), she will either give me the sad “why are you ignoring poor me” thing or say some incredibly nasty stuff.

She goes from being extremely guarded and not willing to explore the intimate parts of a loving relationship, to these heated, passionate “are you for real?” moments… does that make sense? I actually enjoy the roller coaster, because when the passion is there… well… the intimate part is amazing if you know what I mean. With her, there is intense good and intense bad…

She refuses to talk about any sort of next step with me and gets incredibly pannicky when I talk about any sort of future - which is confusing to me because I'm told that BPDs are looking for love and do the opposite. We’ve been an item at varying levels of intensity for over 4 years, but I've known her for going on three decades.

She flakes on plans all the time and then says she's doing it to protect me. "This isn't right," she tells me.

She is a truly kind person, despite the nasty episodes, and tells me she feels terrible about hurting everybody in her life and is convinced she is going to be alone forever. The good news is that she is not in denial - she knows she needs help and is getting it. But she admits to me that she doesn't tell her therapist everything.

Here's the thing... I actually want to be with her and help her, and I'm hopeful for the future. I know what she was like before all this, and she was amazing... and she still is when she's stable. She keeps telling me that she has to get better on her own, and I agree -- I don't want to be codependent. But I truly see her amazing side, and when she's calm she is just that: an amazing caring person. I'm hopeful for the future but she tells me she is just never happy and "debilitatingly lonely." She actually has a great job where she manages an over $5million budget but is not functioning well in it, and it sounds like she might get fired if things don't change soon.

About a month ago, she just ghosts me. It lasted for about a week, and she apologized and we had a tense but mundane relationship again for a week or so, and then she just ghosts me again. This too, she says is to protect me. This is so inconsistent with the things she has said before. To go from literally calling me her “kind, sweet, saving grace” not too long ago, to “I’m not comfortable around you… bye. Oh, by the way, anything you say will be ignored and deleted.” Then she ignores me for two weeks, then she apologizes. Then the whole thing happens again: rinse, cycle, repeat. She hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.

I circle back and try to pinpoint something - anything - that I might have said or done that might rationally cause someone to get so upset and ghost like that, and I've literally shown the texts verbatim to people for outside opinions... I just can't figure it out.

What could I have said to deserve getting ghosted like that? What do I do the inevitable time she does come back? How can I show kindness to her and know she isn't hurting herself to at least put my mind at ease? Why is she scared of a future? And why would a BPD that craves being loved and fears abandonment fear the future?

She has been in abusive relationships that have lasted long-term, and the only times I've ever really felt rage was when hearing how one of her ex's years ago treated her. This has all taken a toll on me, and it even rubs off on my outside friends - people she doesn't even interact with.

[Shaz51]

Hello @mogul ,

@Determined 

@katie, @oneday64, @soul,

[soul]

Hi @mogul - welcome to the Forums. Sorry to hear that you are having such a distressing time.

Reading your story reminded me so much of my own. My relationship with my now ex BPD partner was very similar to yours except that physical violence was involved. All those behaviours that you describe especially the highs which were exhiliratingly high and the lows which were devastatingly low. I would have very happily settled for something in between.

I understand that you do have strong feelings for your partner. Can you help? Maybe. It sounds like she has some awareness but doesn't have the inclination to make the changes or seek the help that she needs in order to get better. I am of the belief that if the relationship is extensively damaged, it is better for the BPD affected person to sort out their issues without the complication of being together. Again I am speaking from my experience where frustartion of the slightest little seemingly unrelated thing would cause him to act unpredictably and boil over with dire consequences for me.

I tried so many times to help my partner and he half heartedly made some efforts with trying medications and going to therapy. It requires a whole change in thinking and that's never an easy thing to achieve.

You need to use your head a bit more and lessen the calling of your heart and sexual organs when considering whether you can cope with such a relationship. You talk about the  good stuff and it's normal to focus on that. It is what we want. However it does appear that you're living a life where you have to be so careful of what you say and do and that can be exhausting. When the negatives far outweigh the positives, it's time to get out your own life boat. 

[mogul]

I appreciate the post. 

I really can't peace out right now. I've known her since we were 8 and it seems cruel to leave her at this point where she's really hurting.

More will follow... It does take its toll on me emotionally though.