Lived Experience Forum

[Evie1]

Maybe I scared tho it’s not easy to talk about 

[outlander]

@Evie1 it isnt easy at all to talk about. perhaps if you dont want to talk about you could write a sentence or 2 saying how your feeling such as ' i was sexually assaulted and im struggling with self blame'
sometimes its abit easier to write then to physically say. if she already knows about the assault (they dont always have to have details just knowing thats the reason your going is enough) then perhaps you couls say something like 'im struggling with self blame from my trauma'

[Evie1]

Will I ever forgive myself 

[outlander]

itll take time @Evie1 that is why i suggested speaking with your psychologist as well. he/she seems to want to help you as well.

[Evie1]

Taking about rape to her was hard talking about my self blame is even harder because i can’t forgive myself 

[outlander]

its definently hard @Evie1 theres absolutly no denying that.
As she is already aware of what happened to her you wont need to go over it again. Self blame is a normal reaction to such an awful situation and it can be worked through. it takes time but its not impossible

[FreedomRoad]

Hi @Evie1 

Thank you for being brave enough to say this. 

This is all new to me, having a recent hospital admission, I too am now just discovering that I have been suffering PTSD, Post Natal and Clinical Depression due to guilt and shame of teenage and adult rapes, an abusive relationship as well as being disfellowshipped from a religion (Jehovah's Witness) which I was born into, therefore, overnight, losing my parents, siblings, friends, security and extended family. I knew nothing of the outside world and how anything worked, bad people saw this and took advantage of my vulnerability and now... 24 years later I am finally falling to peices as I think my mind and body finally gave out trying to keep everything within. 

I have no advice as I am still trying to figure it out, but just reading your words and knowing there are others who suffer as I do is both comforting and sad, actually, it makes me angry that there are so many of us who suffer at the action and words of others. 

All I can say is I have made the decision to say everything out loud! I don't make people uncomfortable, though, those who show a genuine interest in my well-being, I have started telling about my past experiences, the boy who I gave my virginity abused me with his brother, and the DJ, the man i loved. I felt tremendous guilt over being so stupid and naive to have fallen into such situations, I too blames myself for doing / saying / wearing the wrong thing, acting the wrong way.. and it is only just recently in one of my last therapy sessions, my psych said to me... OR, IT could have all just been dumb luck! At first I was taken aback as I thought that was quite dismissive, but I keep thinking about it and she is right, those people are pure evil, weather or not we were there, it was going to happen to someone, it was just 'Dumb Luck" that I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or fallen for the wrong guy, shit does happen to people, and it hurts, I have since realised it is up to me to understand it, accept it, and then find a way to live with it or otherwise we are all living under their shadows and then taking our own lives, and they continue to hurt more of the people that love us. 

I want to get better for my children, and so daily, I have to remind myslef that I have a purpose, that is to stay alive and continue with my thereapy and listen to what others are saying to help me.. 

[Maggie]

@FreedomRoad  Wow, so brave. I love your name. I have limited time ATM , but wanted to drop off a big welcome. We can do it, bit by bit.

[Evie1]

I don’t know how to stop walking out of it is too scary 

[Maggie]

@Evie1  Are you trying to get further on in your journey than you are ready for? A genuine question.

Ive thought a lot about self blame, and wonder if we get through it by allowing some kind of self comforts in. Like knowing others understand your pain? You are not alone. Small comforts I know, but small steps is all we have to manage on.

I'm not in any way minimiseing anything you are struggling with, we are all struggling and trying to make some kind of sense out of the maze we find ourselves lost in.