Lived Experience Forum

[Tryingtobreathe]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 14 months ago and have been struggling ever since. I have childhood trauma that's left me with PTSD, My kids father left for another woman back in 2017 after 10 years together and a lot of gaslighting.  I thought I'd  dealt with the breakdown of my relationship. I met my current partner in January 2020. Things were great, we moved in together after a year of dating, we have kids and didn't want to rush. My fear of him cheating on me too was there but I was able to remind myself that he hadn't done anything to make me think that and it was just my fear talking. 3 months later I found out he'd been talking to another woman behind my back, even after asking him if he was a few weeks prior.  I think this is when my mental health declined. All of the issues I thought I'd dealt with from childhood until now have come back 1000 fold. 

TW: assault

Content/trigger warning

Since being diagnosed I've had 3 major episodes where I've lost my temper and thrown things, screamed nasty words that id never usually say in a million years and slam doors. [removed by moderator] He says that he has to do it as I'm crazy. These physical assaults do nothing to calm my rage, infact it escalates. He calls the cops at that point. Never ends well as he can control his emotions and I cannot. 

My kids have had to go live with their dad(within the last 2 days), whilst it hurts so much I know they are better off there. 

I have tried mood stabilisers, which just makes me tired and mirtanza which made the suicidal ideations worse. I am feeling so alone. I have no family and I've lost most of my friends. My kids were my world for 17 years (oldest is 17, youngest is 13) I feel like I have failed them. They may not have had to endure the physical abuse that I did but by witnessing these episodes I have scarred them nonetheless. The more these episodes happen, the more shame, guilt and self hatred I feel. 

I have booked in with a psychologist but right now I'm struggling. Im in so much pain that I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just hoping someone can relate or can share ways to cope. I just feel so utterly alone.

[tyme]

Hey @Tryingtobreathe ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing what's been going on for you at home. I can see that you have been reflecting on the events of your life and wanting to find some connection and support.

One thing I can honestly say is that I can relate. I have BPD. I've flown off the handle many times. I've experienced many many episodes of BPD rage. A rage that NO ONE can defuse. The pain of a borderline is so real. I'm feeling you. I hear you. I want you to know you are not alone.

Your history sounds like it has bred mistrust because you have been hurt. I too couldn't/trust people. I always have a barrier up. Hence I struggle with relationships. 

Good news is, BPD is very treatable. With the right therapy, one can live very very successfully and function very well in life. I underwent 18 months of intense mentalisation-based therapy consisting of both group and individual therapy. Group is an important element of therapy for BPD. Ultimately, it is talking therapy such as ACT, MBT and DBT which help BPD - not medication. 

Medication helps with the symptoms that may co-occur with BPD (anxiety, depression), but it doesn't get to the root of the BPD.

After such success with therapy for BPD and moving from a life I hated to living the most incredible life now, I'm working on a research paper to support those with BPD in therapy.

There is hope @Tryingtobreathe . I've proved it. I never thought I'd live past the age of 26. Yet years on, I'm still here.

Assault is NEVER okay. Please call 000 if you find yourself in this position again. 1800RESPECT may also be a good place to start.

I will be flicking you an email. 

Please take care,

tyme

Talk to someone @Tryingtobreathe . Work through the hurt. Go easy on yourself.