Lived Experience Forum

[LoopyLou]

Hi.  I’m so glad I found this space.  This is my first post and it’s going to be a very long rant, but I desperately need to get it out there.  

I’m a 53 year old single woman.  Was married for 20 years and separated about 3 years ago. We have 2 children, our youngest who is still at home chose to stay with his dad.  I love him dearly and I see him every few days, but it’s not the same, not by a long shot.   Since then my life has spiralled out of control and I’m in a dark hole that I can’t get out of.

When married we were buying a home.  When I got my marriage settlement I didn’t get enough to buy my own place, and that money has dwindled away slowly in child support and endlessly increasing rent and living expenses.  I’m so ashamed that at 53, I have nothing.

i feel ugly and fat.  My weight has spiralled out of control.  I desperately need love and intimacy.  I go on dating sites but the only men who are interested are horrible dirty looking men.  The nicer ones only want sex.  When I send photos of myself, I never hear from them again.   I’m so scared of getting sick and there is noone to care for me, of dying alone and never having someone love me again.

I feel so incredibly lonely and I have googled suicide methods a million times.  I know if I could find an accessible and painless way, I wouldn’t be here.

i can’t get help.  I have a beautiful daughter who is always there for me, but when I tell her how I truely feel  it brings her down.  I can’t do that to her anymore.  The mental health services in my state are woeful - going to the emergency department doesn’t help - you have to sit for hours with crying babies and people who are genuinely hurt , and here I am taking valuable time from people who need it because I am a cry baby.  The mental health specialists look down at you… and that is not in my head, I’ve seen it.  I can’t talk to people about how I feel, everybody has so much shit  going on in their lives that they don’t have the capacity to deal with me.  There is such a stigma attached to talking about suicide - everyone thinks you are just seeking attention and will ‘get over it’.

The thing is, that the sadness and hopelessness is so overwhelming and consuming that I can’t function.  I went shopping this morning and just walked around like a zombie, in the end I couldn’t purchase anything because I couldn’t get my head around the process.  I cry constantly, I can’t sleep, I want to scream at the world and everyone around  me but I know it will make no difference.  I don’t think anyone truely understands how soul destroying it is.  Nobody understands what it really feels like inside my head.

But then I could be googling methods, and then go to work an hour later.  At work I’m fine, I’m engaging and happy, but my insides are being crushed by overwhelming sadness and nobody sees it.  I don’t want to show it, but I want them to see it.  I want to die but I wish I could live.

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @LoopyLou Thank you for reaching out here. We have sent you an email, could you please look out for that. 

Sorry to hear things are so hard. I encourage you to call crisis supports if things escalate for you. I hear you about going to emergency, have you ever tried a safe haven? If you do a google search there may be one in your area. Alternatively if you call the support line 1800 187 263 a counsellor could have a chat to you and give you some support options. You're not alone, we're here for you. 

Please take care 

[Rylee13]

Hi,

I have been through a similar experience and the feelings and thoughts you are having are so very normal… a normal response from a loving, caring and compassionate human to an incredibly UNnormal situation. It sounds like you are facing an overwhelming wave of deep sorrow and grief for all that you have lost at no fault of your own. At times, those waves of sadness and despair are light and easy to ride, and at other times, those waves feel like they will drown you at any moment. You deserve this life, to be loved for who you are, and for no other reason but that you are an intelligent, unique and valuable gift to this earth. There is no other human like you on this planet… and what you are going through is so very hard right now. I had to learn make time to sit with the waves of grief that eventually turned into anger, rage, denial and finally acceptance. I also had to put someone else in my place… (my rational, wise mind disappeared when the emotions took over!). I imagined if this was a close friend experiencing what I was facing ~ what would I say to this friend? How could I help this friend? I realised that being kind to me and accepting that I am doing the best I can in an incredibly difficult and stressful time was actually enough. You are not alone… perhaps imagining where you and your children will be in five year’s time may bring you the hope that you know exists inside your heart. Be kind to you in this moment… you truly have deserved it and still do. 

[illuminate]

I’m so sorry that tire feeling so distressed. To me your feelings sound quite normal. You sound like a very emotionally intelligent person whose strength is being tested by different situations.
Are you able to get some professional supports for counselling for yourself?
Please be gentle with yourself whilst you work through your grief.