Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

I took some time out - and I have read your messages over the weekend and I am sad for you - your situation with your husband is tough and I can tell you that I spent years being angry with my ex-h and for what - the marriage ended and I have been better since - but those last few years were hell so I understand

About being negative - that's just you - you can change that if you so choose but it's the way you are and if other people don't like it - bad luck - it does make it hard to connect with people and maybe negative comments lead to negative outcomes - I don't know.

I know you wish you were different - you would like a bubbly personality - it's okay to be bubbly some of the time but frankly I would find someone bubbly every time I saw them - wow - that would be so annoying - anyway - you do have personality traits that are essentially you - very sensitive and caring - you feel as if you are over-emotional - perhaps that is your basic nature too - you can change being negative over time but your basic nature is you

I can tell Huffnpuff is sooooo annoying - I agree - actually I read where he got into your pantry - that would infuriate me and I didn't hold back when I was annoyed - I guess I still don't but because I live here by myself - not even a cat to be mischievous now - I can get cross about something but no one has to hear me get grumpy - and I can

But I would be really bothered if anyone got into my cupboards - they are neat enough anyway but even if they weren't it wouldn't be anyone else's business

I understand BlueBay - having someone pick at you is no fun at all - and it seems that it reflects on you more than it needs to - this is something to work out with your therapist - ask what do you need to change?

You don't need to change everything - some things are part of our basic nature - other things - habits - we are all dealing with different stuff - you  are not alone there

Care heaps

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

you know I always wanted to be “someone else” but I don’t know who that “someone else” is. 

I know I can’t change my personality i am who I am. 

I get annoyed at myself a lot. And I’m really hard on myself and pressure myself. 

Yes hubby is really annoying me at the moment. I’m so glad I’ve got an appt with my psychologist tomorrow morning. I’ll speak to her about hubby. See what she suggests.  

Glad you got to go outside for a walk.

[Owlunar]

No one can be anyone else @BlueBay  - and there are certain things about ourselves we just cannot change - 

But there are things we can change - I have had my share of therapists though time - it's quite a journey - I think I had enough time with them - I was told things would change and they did - some things I changed myself - other things just changed - it was not always good though - but here I am today and time has eased things a great deal

So I am wondering - just wondering - when you see your therapist can you talk about the things you can change - ask how you can deal with those things - it seems to me it would be more profitable with your time to discuss the things you can change rather than those you can't

Maybe you need to discuss the difference

I understand how the past has hurt you - and I know that thinking about change is scary for just about everyone - been there myself - esp when things are out of control

But we are who we are and what we are - there are things we have to accept

But there is no need to be so hard on yourself - when things are outside your control there is nothing at all you could do about that - no one blames themselves for the weather do they? At least I hope not

Go easy and all the best with your therapist tomorrow

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Owlunar  I’ll let you know how I go. ❤️

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar @Shaz51 @oceangirl @Meowmy @Former-Member @Ali11 and others following 

this morning I saw my hospital psychologist. I had requested this session on Friday after I wasn’t coping. 

I told her about my anger towards hubby and his OCD behaviour.and that I take everything as a personal attack.  And told her about our communication. She gave me some tips:

1. When he goes to the shops and rings me to ask what type of pasta bread etc etc - just don’t answer the phone. She suggested I talk to him first and let him know that it’s ok whatever he buys but I won’t answer the phone if he rings. 

2.  When he cracks it about the pantry and pens - just laugh it off in my head. Or accept that is the way he is. 

3. She said that in my rational mind I know it’s silly him going on about house stuff. But it’s my emotional mind that goes up sky high to a level where I’m angry and punishing myself because things are not in the right spot. 

She also said it’s normal for partners who have been together for a long time to be like this. But my BPD escalates things very quickly. 

I said to her that I’m not sure what I want. Our intimacy and sex is zero. I have no inclination to want it either. She asked how long I’ve been like this and I said a while. 

She said this is common when couples have been together for a long time. She suggested to try date nights. Also to try couple counselling but I told her it’s too expensive and we couldn’t afford it. 

Also suggested that hubby have some counselling reg OCD but I know he won’t go. 

She is very good and gave me some tips. 

Going fir a walk eith D and A. Then son coming home for dinner. Nice to see him. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

This sounds as if it was a very worthwhile session - you don't sound at all exhausted and over-wrought as you do after some sessions you have - discussing things you can change seems to have worked this time and you have some things to work on that are possible for you to alter your side of the situation in your marriage - this is really positive

So yes - your rational mind knows your husband's OCD turns him into Huffnpuff and you might never be able to get him to seek some help with his OCD - my ex-h was the same with the issues inside our marriage - I don't think he could change so that was the end but with you your account with your marriage is very high and so you do have an idea - you can work on your mental habits to change it all to your rational mind and yes - this will take time and effort and sometimes you will slip up but that's okay - you don't have to get it right every time - it's getting it right when you can - this is like setting your re-set button and time and just being positive in your mind for a little bit will mean a great start and things can only get better

I'm really proud of you for dealing with this and having new ideas - except he can rant about the pantry but keep out of it - you can make rules like that and tell him calmly - even ask him if he would like it if you moved things in the garage

You start with small things and work on them - it seems difficult - as your therapist said this can happen between couples who have been together for a long time - it can be EXASPERATING - little habits can drive your crackers - I know - been there

And this OCD does press your buttons - seeing that will help you understand and not answer the phone for this when he is shopping and the house stuff - practise walking off - even out of the house - take a walk -  leaving the scene can be magical

And forget about being guilty that you are not perfect - no one is - expecting yourself to be is so far out of being realistic

But you have done well today

Dec 

[Meowmy]

@BlueBay hope you will have nice walk and dinner with son. Sounds psychologist quite helpful. Take care.

[Ali11]

That does sound like a good session @BlueBay  Some great points by @Owlunar in the past few comments as well, about finding the things you can change and focussing on them. Someone recently said they can't control what others think of them, or what others say about them, but it doesn't matter because they can control how they react to those others. Sometimes when we feel out of control is when we're best to just choose something small that we can change and give that our attention. Hope things start improving with Huffnpuff soon, that will take time. When partners have been together for a long time they fall into patterns, and breaking those patterns isn't always an easy process even when you're both aware of the pattern. Sending love and hope you're enjoying your evening.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar  I have quickly read your reply but I want to read it sgsin and reply to you. I’ll need to do this tomorrow as my son is here for dinner. 

Thsnks @Meowmy  for your reply. 

thankyou too @Ali11 I will reply tomorrow 

❤️❤️❤️

[Meowmy]

@BlueBay Enjoy dinner at home with son and family. You deserve a nice time. Take care.