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Something’s not right

WIP
Senior Contributor

Changing meds

Hi. I battled MDD & acute anxiety nearly all of my adult life. I've been on numerous different SSRIs, SRNIs, antipsychotics, tried rTMS & ECT. Am addicted to a benzo for my anxiety.

I am in the process of swapping out from a SRNI to a MAOI and the wash out period is hell. I really don't think I'm going to make it. This is the darkest place I have ever been.
I have no family support, honestly no friends, not able to work & are completely isolated.

i don't feel my medical team actually care much anymore, they are overwhelmed by new clients because of covid.

i hardly sleep, but the last thing in my mind before I do, is how much I want to die. It's the first thought of the day when I wake up.

what if this new medication doesn't work either??

2,972 REPLIES 2,972

Re: Changing meds

Hey @WIP, it's Rainforest here again.  I'm going to flick you an email to check in and see how your travelling. 

Re: Changing meds

Hi @WIP Hearing how hard this is for you Smiley Sad I was in a very similar place a couple of years ago. We had also tried many, many different meds, combinations, dosages, etc. After nearly 2 years of 'trial and error' and being in that very dark place we finally found the right meds to help. In amongst all that giving up and suicide were constantly on my mind - with several attempts, severe side effects and a more general feeling of hopelessness and not worth continuing to try.  I also did not sleep - did not want to no matter how exhausted I was as for me sleep was filled with traumatic thoughts and plagued by flashbacks and nightmares. I always felt like if I did sleep I would not wake up but the dichotomy was that all I wanted to do was sleep and never wake up. I did however have a wonderful support team around me as well as the beautiful, caring and supportive people here on this forum. Along that road I did not have family support as they had no idea (and still don't) how bad I was nor how ill I was. I also had (have) no friends I can turn to. But I did get through that period once the right meds and support was in place. I am now more stable and back to work. So I suppose what I am saying is that change, improvement and 'life' is possible. No-one here around 3 years ago would have ever dreamed that I would be back to where I am now (I certainly didn't) but I am proof that it is possible to regain some meaning and some hope in life. 

 

As hard as it is - continue to reach out and continue to have hope that the meds and support you do have may make a difference. Would it be worthwhile seeking out alternative professionals to those you are currently seeing if you are feeling they do not care anymore. It is a diffiult time for many currently but that does not mean you should be getting any less of a service from them - you matter just as much as anyone and deserve that care and support.

Re: Changing meds

Hi Zoe,

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my post.  I'm sorry to hear that you went through a similar experience as myself, but very happy for you that things did eventually improve once you found the right med mix, and had the right support network around you.

I'll try to hang on to a bit of hope.  Each day, I try to come up with one thing/reason to keep living.  It's very difficult, without family, friends or a job.  I have a puppy and he's the reason at the moment.  But, I beat myself up on the days that I can't bring myself to take him for a walk - even if it's to the end of the street and back. Then I think he would be better off with someone else.  My mind always comes up with a negative thought to destroy a positive one that I've tried so hard to find.

 

Thanks again Zoe, and I am truely happy that you are well now.

Re: Changing meds

Funnily enough @WIP my dog (and cat) also kept me going. I also thought they would be better off without me Smiley Sad But that just is not true - our fur babies become so close to us - they feed of our emotions, know when we are not right and give us unconditional love and if that is the only thing for us to hold onto to keep going then that is important. I love that you try to find the small ithings in each day to feel some positivity about. It is very true that the negative things tend to overtake our thinging and it takes a lot of practice (and will) to let the positives occupy most of our thoughts. I think it is human nature to let the neagtives affect us the most. Having small goals each day can make a massive difference. I like to make lists - and then cross things off as I do them. It enables me to actually see what I have done and take some comfort from achieving things. They do not have to be big things, in-fact the smaller things all combined often mean more - having a shower, preparing a meal, walking your dog, etc, Routines are also good - do these same small things each day.Routines help us to focus and actually move and achieve things each day ...then you can tick them off your list until they become second nature. As for hope - that is the hardest one - especially when you are in that dark place. But many here held out that hope for me when I could not see it for myself so now I will also hold out that hope for you. There is a way forward @WIP but I am not going to say it is easy - in saying that though if/when you get through this you will find you have had more strength and more courage than you ever imagined you could have - and a life that holds more for you than mere existing. There is being alone as well as loneliness - you have now joined us here on the forum so you will not be alone - the community is here for you.

Re: Changing meds

Yes @Zoe7 , my fur baby is what is keeping me going.  He's only 5 1/2 months old, and so attached to me, it's not funny.  He's asleep at my feet, as I type this.  He knows I'm not well, and does come up and give me cuddles, when he thinks I need one.  They are so very intuitive.  My previous Cavoodle was the same - I lost him in October of last year, and to this day, still grieve for him.

Some days I'm better at having positive thoughts, rather than negative ones being dominant, but atm with changing meds, lack of sleep etc, the negativity just takes over.  I remember a line from one of my favorite movies - Pretty Woman - where Julia Roberts says, it's always easier to remember the bad stuff.  That line sticks with me - I wish it didn't though.  Silly!

I have tried lists in the past, but atm, I'm just so unstable that there's no way they will work.  The list I do keep, is of what medication I take each day, as one I'm allowed to take 'as needed', and have needed it quite a lot lateley.

Hope has dwindled away recently, and that scares me immensely.  Without hope, you've got nothing.  But, I thank you for highlighting that you will hold out hope for me.  Having just a couple of chats back and forth with you today has helped.  I've just spent an hour with LifeLine, and that has calmed me for the time being.  

I'm looking forward to this community being here for me, so I won't feel so alone.  

You rock!

Re: Changing meds

Oh only 5 1/2 months old - they are so adorable at that age @WIP My little bot (Toby) is 6 years old now and I still cannot believe I have a dog. He is of course treated like the baby of the house. He follows me everywhere, goes everywhere with me I can take him and is constantly under my feet (and yes I have fallen over him many times Smiley Surprised) My cat (who we call Cat here) is 10. We went through a really horrible health scare with her last year when I thought I would lose her but the wonderful vets did an amzing job in not only giving me more time with her but she is still healthy and happy.

 

I totally get how hard it is to make lists or even do the little things when you are so deep into that darkness - just getting up each day is an acheivement so celebrate that Smiley Very Happy

 

I am really glad you reached out to a helpline and also are chats here are helping. It is a wonderful place to talk to others that get it and to both give and receive support. I have been on the receiving end of that support for nearly 4 years and I can honestly say it has saved my life many times-so do not be afraid at all to reach out when you need here.

 

There is an introduction thread Introduce yourself here where you might like to post a quick hello as this is where many members come to meet new people. They can then come and visit you here to share in your journey. Also have a look around the forum and jump into discussions where you feel you want to or can. I am happy to tag you in some threads to meet others but will only do so when you are comfortable with that - don't want you to feel overwhelmed but do want you to feel welcomed Smiley Very Happy

Re: Changing meds

Your pets sound delightful 🙂

I'll check out the 'Introduce yourself' thread a bit later this afternoon.  I've just managed to have a shower, and while feeling motivated, will take Levi for a quick walk around the block.

More than happy for you to tag me in some of the other threads to meet more people - thank you so very much for making me feel so welcomed, and understood. x

Re: Changing meds

Great job in having a shower and taking Levi out for a walk @WIP I will definitely tag you in a couple of threads I visit regularly so you can meet the wonderful people that often post there. You are more than welcome anywhere of course but having a couple of places you can ease your way into the forum often helps. It is great to have you here Heart

Re: Changing meds

I feel the same way 

can I ask how your feeling now? 

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