Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

Former-Member
Not applicable

Conflicted emotions

Hi all,

 

Has anyone ever felt so emotionally conflicted about something because they want to use their view of whats morally right to make a decision but that decision could affect their mental well being. 

 

six months i have been mentally stable, no meds, no psych and no bed ridden depression. 

 

yesterday i read an email that left me feeling shocked but mentally and spiritually relieved but at the same time saddened. this next bit is going to be trigger warninged as i explain why but the shortened version is my MC (male creator) is back behind bars for a min of 30 without a chance of parole or early release.

 

 

 

 

Content/trigger warning

for those who have chosen to read this section i was sexually abused althrough childhood from the age of three my MC who is my mothers step father was my first abuser for 7-8months before he was caught.

he was given 40years on multiple counts of rape, incest and pedophelia for not just me and my mother but 14 other girls only 2 of which werent either his step daughter or biological but was released after just 12. the state had declared him reformed because of his age.

they were wrong!!!

he got married within 2 years of being relesed (dont know how) and had 3 kids including another little girl. she is now 7. i have known about her and her 2 younger brothers for the last 5 years but have not contacted them for obvious reasons. 

last year it came out that he was being investigated for possibly interfearing with my younger half sister and these claims were turned into truth. their mother was allowed to keep them as long as she made no contact with him but she turned up to his sentencing hearing with the children as support for him because she apparently just doesnt believe he is capable of such things.

this led to the kids being taken away.

my moral dilemma:

 

his current children my half sister and 2 half brothers aged 7, 4 and 2 can be placed with family as long as they are blood related. their mother contacted me asking if i would do a dna test and take them because her family wants nothing to do with her or them and its sad and i know what it can be like in the fostering system and while every moral fiber of my being is screaming at me to do it my mental stabability questions whether i could handle it considering the part of my life they are linked to. they are currently not allowed contact with their mother, i  definitly would uphold that but ive also got to consider the impact not only on my mental health but my son who is already going through alot. any suggestions?

7 REPLIES 7

Re: Conflicted emotions

Hi @Former-Member - Thanks for sharing and asking our opinions.  Thats a really really tough one to answer and I think you are the only one that can make the decision at the end of the day.  Congragulations on being stable for 6 months, thats really great.  If i got an email like that I'd be reeling and shocked to the core.  It seems like a massive responsibility to take on.  For myself, I'm not sure I'd be able to do it.

 

Maybe you could take the DNA test and then decide what to do from there?  I can definitely understand the conflicting emotions and heartache you must be feeling right now about what to do and how to proceed.  

 

Do you have a support network that could help with handling this if it gets to much for you or if you need to take timeout for yourself should you need to?

 

I've probably raised more questions than I've answered.  Its a big decision and one that you should think long and hard about. 

 

Wishing you all the best. 

Re: Conflicted emotions

WOW @Former-Member Its HUGE.

 

Congrats on your stability and your calm and clear post of a very complicated situation.

 

I had a request to take on a vulnerable child, and I said yes, but did not have support although it was supposed to be done alongside DHS.  They pulled out cos it got difficult, to protect careers, and I was left alone managing with bub etc .... and yet like you, being in foster care, we want to save others from that experience.

 

I think you would need a lawyer and a heap of support to do it properly.  Maybe they could be in foster care, but you could be a respite or holiday person. Having your experience might mean that their is better than it otherwise might be, if you know what I mean. Definitely keep your own child front and centre in your considerations.  I think it is too big an ask, but I also cant regret my decision, done with good will.  I just regret that I did not get the support it was implied that I would get.

 

The biol mum of the child I took on, called yesterday.  I have known her 30 years, so the situations continue.

Smiley HappyHeartLife is Amazing

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Conflicted emotions

Hi @Appleblossom and @Gazza75 

 

So after a long day of going between normal stuff and talking to my family lawyer (he retires next year 😢, he has been helping me and my family with the dealings related to my MC since I was 5) I now know that the children have currently been placed in home already and are being allowed to stay together. The mother has willingly signed over parental rights to family services and isn't even trying to get visitation now. As far as he has been able to determine the children have already been in this home since they were removed and especially the boys seem quite settled. 

 

Family services has agreed to keep me updated on their situation and will advise me if anything changes. I have decided that it is in their best interest to stay were they are right now. I have been told that once the DNA test has been confirmed I will be able to organise to visit them so that they know me if I do get them in the future.

Re: Conflicted emotions

Hi @Appleblossom , 🙂

 

@Former-Member, I'm sorry to hear about your lawyer retiring, maybe he can recomend someone to you in the future.  It seems like a pretty good outcome if you can get visitation to the children.  I hope that family services keep there word and you are updated on everything.  

 

Take care 🙂

 

 

Re: Conflicted emotions

Good to hear that your decision making period has settled.  Sounds reasonable for all round.  It is great they are together.  Maybe you could even have one at a time sometimes to give them the opportunity to share more if things are difficult for them.  If DHS keep good contact, they may give you and your child a broader sense of family in the long run.  Some big fun outings for all of you and individual quieter "really getting to know you" times ... or something.

Hugs @Former-Member 

Heart

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Conflicted emotions

Thanks @Gazza75  and @Appleblossom for your support and ideas.

I am hoping that with him behind bars again I won't need a new lawyer @Gazza75 but he has given options of other lawyers will to take his clientele at the same rates he does but just going to go with the flow for now. 

My younger siblings are having trouble understanding why I am even bothered by what happens to these kids and my mum and nan both expressed displeasure in my wanting to make sure they are ok. They both have told me that it is not my responsibility to ensure they are looked after.

 

My son on the other hand is excited to meet his new uncles and aunt and we are going to try and see them in the Christmas holidays as we need to save

Re: Conflicted emotions

@Former-Member 

I am glad he is excited.  Little kids are amazing.

Heart

Dont take on more than you can manage, but it may actually be a way for you all to get some positives out of a terribly distressing and messy situation.

Smiley Happy

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance