Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

Last Sunday, I went to hospital ED to get a referral for a suicide prevention group run by the hospital.  Apparently, they can't do that, I have to get a referral from a gp outside of hospital.  The reason I went to them instead of my gp was because my gp has known me for 20 years and he knows my family, he's almost friend...it's embarrassing and I don't want it to get to my family that I am suicidal.  Well, Thursday, I went to see him for some scripts.  And he looked at me and said, "right, let's talk about what's happening up there"...how have you been. He looked after mum till her death, so I know he cares about me and that I have been under stress.  I was particularly low and admitted that I was having suicidal thoughts bad enough that I went to hospital.  He wants me to increase my antidepressants and to see me next week.  I haven't done it and I won't be going back, I will just call and pass on a message that I am ok...feeling better.  Since then, two things have been bugging me...1. he seemed to know how bad I was... I am wondering if the hospital contacted him against my wishes.  2. He wants me to increase my meds because he thinks I am depressed...I think I am fine, thinking straight. There are real, logical reasons for me to be sad and to want to suicide, so, no I don't want to increase my meds which have never really made a difference anyway.  So, my question is, how do you know if it's clinical depression and not just sadness, cause I haveca lot to be sad about at the moment?

[Owlunar]

You have enough to be sad about @Lemonjuice and maybe you just are - sad

And imo that's okay - but you went to a hospital last weekend and asked to be admitted to a suicide prevention programme - which might be appropriate to prevent suicide -

I wouldn't want to take antidepressents either - we do have control about what we won't take - but I guess you know if you are sad or depressed

Lliving feeling really sad - suffering grief - other losses - major stress - then it can be really hard

My thoughts are with you

Dec

[Lemonjuice]

@Owlunar  💓

[Teej]

Hi 👋🏻 @Lemonjuice.,

The information from the hospital would have been put on record and an alert to your GP from what I can gather from my experiences. I have seen the alert on the computer screen before. I also had information passed to my GP from a drug info hotline I'd used once. 

The second part of your question is really timely for me. It's a bit tricky for me to write as a community guide and as someone who has fought for you to find some sense of enjoyment and meaning for your life (which I will still do)......but I think I understand what you mean. For me it's presenting slightly differently to you but the thoughts are the same. I'm not feeling anything sad or depressed but just constantly have suicide ideation lately because I can't see myself in the future or where I'll ever not feel a burden. To me this doesn't feel like depression or sadness but rather just acknowledging that I don't feel like I have a place on this planet that will ever feel ok. No amount of antidepressants will change this. 

perhaps a bit like you I have a chapter of my life closing. It's the first time I can make a will and know my kids will have a small inheritance and my debts paid out. I've been researching will kits. For me I am constantly going through trying to think of the loose ends that need to be tied up. In the last few days especially I've been feeling more obsessed with these thoughts as my day for closure draws near. I don't actively have a date or anything like that but more a feeling of nothingness and not feeling like I belong anywhere. I've been seeking help with it a bit seeing my psych regularly which has helped for the first few days after I see her but then I find myself back living in my head and having those thoughts again. I think I'm hoping I'll find that spark that changes my momentum and let's go of the very circular thinking and planning for permanent nothingness. It's so much easier to see the hope and opportunities for others than it is ourselves. 

I hope this response isn't too heavy. I think I just wanted to share with you that I'm going through something similar and trying to work through it the best way I can. I think it takes lots of time to work everything through. 

best wishes 💜🤗

[Buddy13]

Hi Teej,

Buddy13 here one of the moderators.

Sorry to hear of your difficult time.

I've sent you an email to check in.

Kindest Regards

Buddy13

[Lemonjuice]

@Teej  Thank you for telling me about the alert to the gp, my intuition was right then. 😳😳😳🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️😫😫😫😡😡😡:face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes::face_with_rolling_eyes:

As for the rest, you're amazing for opening up like that about yourself.  Thanks for the trust.  I wish I could say something to make it all better, but the only thing I can think to say is I'm glad neither of us are alone in this.  Most people don't get this.  It doesn't feel like depression, sadness, I am still functioning, I still smile, I even can enjoy some small things.  It just feels like my time has come, like whatever I was suppose to achieve, I have, there's nothing more I want to do...that living now is more like, by force, filling in the hours and days. Then, there's the fact that I miss mum and dad and I believe in an afterlife as a certain thing, so in my head, there are reasons to die.  Ahhh...frustrating!  🤝 Best of luck to you...hang in there as long as you can, who knows, maybe these docs are right, or see things we don't. I really appreciate your response to me. Thank you.💓

[Owlunar]

Hi @Teej 

Our posts don't often cross but here we are and I do have a comment on your post and I am sorry you are feeling so badly - that's not good

Teej wrote

 I'll ever not feel a burden. To me this doesn't feel like depression or sadness but rather just acknowledging that I don't feel like I have a place on this planet that will ever feel ok. 

 I don't actively have a date or anything like that but more a feeling of nothingness and not feeling like I belong anywhere.

Dec wrote

To me it feels a great pity that anyone should feel like a burden or that they don't belong anywhere and don't have a place on the planet

.
I went though a patch like that - a big patch - bad enough to be in hospital - and one of the nurses snapped at me that if I was having trouble with my children, husband, parents and friends that maybe I was the problem. I remember loosing my temper entirely and shouting that they were all behaving atrociously - and I was doing my best - darn it!

In truth - I was right - and if people dont want us around for whatever reason it can make us feel it's our fault but that's not always true. The past came into the open when years later my sister told me that my family thought I did strange things they didn't understand and actively drove me away and that's pretty cruel

So I left the family - I never needed their permission to make the difficult choices I was forced to make and I have found peace in my later years that I certainly didn't need just judgmental people in my life

So - my point - because other people behave badly doesn't steal our value to ourselves or to the planet - we have a right to be hear. I changed so much in my life none of the people troubling me now are around

I guess it's always neat to tidy up the ends in our lives while we are able but imo you are a valuable person - and just in this website I have read many things you have written that have good sense - good ideas to follow and good reasons to be here

I hope you feel okay soon Teej 

Dec

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[Former-Member]

@Lemonjuice, this is hard. IIstruggle with SI too, for years on and off... life crap! 

Withyou,  it does seem your GP was tipped off one way or another. Did you ask him for a referral to the support Gp? Its so stupid that the hospital DR's can't do this grr! Perhaps go to a completely new GP somewhere else, even if just for the Ref. Or stick with your family GP now the cats out of the bag. It's rare to have such history with a Dr - think twice about chucking that away, you can have two GPs you know (I have to because one is inevitable not available when I need it). Doctors can be liable if they can't prove their 'duty of care' at an inquest. If I were you, given all you have said, I'd trial following doctor's advice prescription increase, see if that slightly higher dose helps, at least for this year... be kind to yourself. While I agree that life troubles can make us somewhat  melancholy... A NORMAL REACTION TO AN ABNORMAL SITUATION... in my experience, some medication can give us the edge we need to get through a hump and back on track. Healthy Community Support is a better answer, in my opinion, but that can be hard to find. Psychologists have helped me a lot. Please be kind to yourself, create daily peaceful moments. Hang in there xox

[Lemonjuice]

@Former-Member  thanks for responding.  I'm trying to be nicer to myself, take it easy for a while, etc.  It's hard but I am trying. I'm going to ask my gp straight out about the hospital and if he says yes, I am going to go back to the hospital and complain.  It's not right that they go against the wishes of patients and out them like that. I told them specifically, that I was there cause I did not want my gp involved cause he knows my family.  WTF, what if this was a case of domestic abuse and they called the person's partner or gp who was a friend of the abusing partner.  People have reasons for not wanting people in their life knowing.  I'm pretty angry apbout it to be honest.  They've put me in a position where I have to interact with my gp who isn't particularly comfortable with mental health issues.  And shit, how much have they told him, did they tell him about the possibility that I may have DID!  Better go, got the counsellor to see today.  Sorry, venting my frustration. Appreciate the chance to talk/write about it.💓

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey everyone, 

It sounds really tough managing this ongoing distress and suicidal ideation. It's so good that this can be shared here, so that people know they are not alone. 

It's also really validating sharing thoughts on the mental health system and treatment, to make sense of some of the confusion and difficult experiences that occur. There is so much wisdom on these forums when it comes to mental health and navigating the mental health system. In sharing this it's important that we speak from our own experiences to recognise that everyone's experience is different.  

Take care,

Tortoiseshell