07-11-2019 01:41 PM
Hi and can I just say I am right there with you on the the total exhaustion, confusion and all round pain you're in, so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I'm going to be blunt as ask why is your ex living with you and why is he your responsibility? The arrangement is clearly impacting on your health and your new relationship, your daughter has to stay elsewhere, your life is on hold and seems to be going backwards - for your ex partner? I can understand being supportive of someone you had a relationship with and have a child with but where is the boundary? I honestly don't say this with any bad feelings intended, I'm honestly confused. I have bipolar 1 myself and am not in the best of places, I am told daily that I should ditch my partner of two years because of the behaviours his schizophrenia brings and I am sick of repeating that I won't kick him out because I love him so trust me, I know how it feels to have people ask. Boundaries need to be made and enforced and it appears there is none?
07-11-2019 02:56 PM
First of all, thank you SO much for getting me through these last couple of days. We've all come up for air now and things have settled but because of all this amazing support we all have a much clearer path forward.
You have no idea how comforting it is to have people who just
@JT not at all! Honestly I've been asking myself the same question for some time now and basically it's because of my guilt.
He's a wonderful person, with a lot of talent but he had a hard life and has been abandoned a lot. His mum passed when we were still together about 3 weeks after our daughter was born. There's a lot of messy history.
We have decided to create some solid bou diaries and ask him to move out end of Jan which seems like a reasonable amount of time to sort things out.
Y'all have been instrumental. I daresay I'll be back soon haha.
Thank you thank you thank you 💖 💖
07-11-2019 03:08 PM
That's fantastic news @Nebulana
I am really glad you are setting some boundaries and asking your ex to move out and the end of January is giving him enough time to find somewhere else to live. I really hope he has figured out that he has worn out his welcome with you and your new partner - at the end of the day we all have to stand on our own feet after all
There is no need to feel guilty about defining your rights and learning ways to maintain an environment with as little stress as possible. There is no need to feel guilty about tough love. We are not responsible for other people's behaviour
I am glad we have been helpful for you - it's good to hear and yes - come back - you will be welcome - try reading other threads here and getting to know some of us - the people here are good eggs
07-11-2019 03:21 PM
I get that @Nebulana . I feel guilty about thinking of what life might be like if I took everyone's advice. Sums up my partner too only his mum is alive and equally exhausted; he just believes she isn't his mum and him real mum is dead. Good luck with the boundaries and everything. I know from experience it all gets worse before it gets better but remember it's better for everyone in the long run including him.
08-11-2019 08:13 PM
10-11-2019 01:49 AM
@Nebulana Hello i am not a carer but I have been diagnosed with BPD and I just want to say that it is OK to set boundries with someone who has a mental health issue and it is ok to ask them to sort themselves out (not in a rude or unreasonable way). His past issues should not be made into your now issues and it is sad and horrible that he didnt have a good life but that is not and should not be made your issue to deal with. yes it is hard and it isnt his fault either but it has happened and now it has to be dealt with.
I have a number of friends with BPD as well and in my experience while the behaviours are not deliberate mostly they are just a resopnse to feeling out of control inside. it is like there is a huge storm inside you all the time and you feel like you are constantly trying not to rain on everyone else so you snap at them but actually you are snapping at the storm monster that wont leave you alone for 5 minutes. have you looked into if there are any DBT programs in your area? DBT didnt get rid of the feelings but it can be super helpful with communication in relationships. actually for me it was communication in general that it helped the most. finding other ways to express myself that others could understand better and other ways to get my needs met really reduced arguments with me and my family members. some DBT programs even have options for a family member to go as well so you can do it together if that is somthing that would help. anyway i hope things are going well for you.
15-11-2019 10:33 PM
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