Lived Experience Forum

[Rosalieann]

I feel like this illness will forever shadow over me, like my life will end up to be a sad story. People even those who love me will grow tired of me. I am drained. I feel empty and helpless. I have so much hurt inside me and although I perhaps have good reasons to feel the way I do I'm really not sure that's why I feel so much pain. I fear living. Not making anything of myself. Being a constant burden. I don't want to end my life that would be selfish but living in such a negative light isn't good for the people I love either but no matter how hard I try I still feel this dark void and pain.

[Acacia]

Hi Rosalieann,

Welcome to the Forums. I'm glad you found us.

Thank you for sharing a bit of what's going on.

What you're going through sounds really tough. It can be so painful to feel like a burden, like your darkness is impacting others. There are lots of other members on the Forums who've been through dark times and might be able to offer some support.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. When you're feeling this way, it's helpful to remember that this is only how you feel now. I can tell you have people you love and care about in your life and I am certain that they love and care about you too.

Your post has made me a bit concerned for your safety. Are you safe right now?

It might be helpful for you to talk to someone. You could try contacting one of the following telephone counseling services:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 (they also have an online chat - https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat)

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 (again, they have a great online counselling option https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/register)

Those services could be really helpful to you.

Welcome again. Hope to see you around!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Rosalieann,

Welcome to the forums. Its so hard to constantly battle against the dark and feel like that. People don't see you for the darkness though, they see you as a whole person and love you the same. I'm thinking of people that i've known and worked with who had severe depression or mi and myself a bit too and the few people that i know well. We see others differently to how we see ourselves and it stands to reason that its the same for other people looking at us. Someone told me once not to make others decisions or thoughts for them. Maybe you could talk with one of your loved ones about those thoughts and see what they say. 

I hope some or anything of that made sense...

Welcome and I hope to see you around the forums, there are lots of great people here who will support and care,

LJ

[Rosalieann]

Thank you for your replies, i know perhaps it's a bit child like but I just feel like I need to be at a place where I can be looked after by people who are equipped to deal with people with mental illness. Is that even possible? With out being admitted? A girl I knew stayed at an institute for a while but she was admitted after trying to take her own life. I just feel so helpless and like I can't escape my own thoughts. I have discussed it with my mother but she too suffers from mental illness and it can make me feel more depressed. My partner is very supportive, but I hate showing such a vulnerable sad side to myself. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be around people I know either.

[Former-Member]

I dont think that's childish, i think its a reflection of the pain that you feel. Im glad that you have people around you who you can talk to a bit. I always feel scared to tell people how i am really feeling and struggle to not just feel like a burdon but at times people have really surprised me wiht how caring and helpful they can be and just knowing that someone else does kind of understand at times has helped me get through. 

If you are feeling unsafe and worried about how low you are, and want to know what options there are for your situation you could talk to a gp or, I know here in south aus there is a mental health line that you can call (13 14 65) and talk to mental health nurses and they have a psychiatrist on call too i think. But there are other services in other states. Beyond Blue.. i think.. has a good data base and phone number that they can help you with referrals to the right numbers etc for your area.

Glad you are here and chatting about how you are feeling, at least its a little bit of a release and a way to feel heard.

Take care,

LJ

[Akash75]

Hi  Rosalieann

After reading your post here I would say that both of us are on the same boat. Not many people will understand what we are going through. Even the doctors who call themselves psychiatrist are not able to understand our situation. They get tired in treating us. I went through hell through with my BD for the past 5 years. I have the feeling that living a life like this a waste but let us be positive. We did not ask for it but we are punished with this mental illness, I would say. I lost many people in my life and only those who really loves and care for me are still around. Trust in God and go with your life. We have to make some changes. Take ur medications on time and indulge urself in activities that you like doing. Dont care about others and never regret for those who have left. We are masters of our life and we should live it. Let God decide when we should be back to Him. 

Take care

[Rosalieann]

No I have had the same problem with psychologists and psychiatrists, I felt like they were quick to pull text book terminology on me. I have some good days, on those days I tell myself if I smile or laugh just one more time then life is worth all the pain. It's hard though, thank you for your response.

[peace]

@Rosalieann I get fear, I get saddness, I get the meaningless of life, the pure waste of exsistance. I"ve asked so many times 'why have I been left to suffer?' So many years that I couldn't even count.
I hope I am finally on the road to a happier life. Keep going and looking for the right doctor, psychiatrist to care for you. There are good ones out.
You are not alone here Rosalinann.
And heres hope for a better quality of life.