Functioning with ADHD

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I reckon I should give it a solid few weeks to assess what it is doing, the body takes time. We are only human, superheroes don’t exist. Don’t you ever wish you were a superhero cat that could jump off roofs? 😂. You wouldn’t have to worry about adulting, just cat-ing.

I won’t lie, it’s been rough, learning to sit with discomfort isn’t easy, but slowly, slowly. Learning to be present while thoughts of the past pop up is hard

[Jynx]

@creative_writer teehee omg yes!! Watching my kitties frolic is so good, but to be able to frolic like they do? Ach, incredible, would that I could!! 

I hope that it goes well, and that you don't encounter too many temptations!! French patisserie would be the one to look out for ahaha

Aye it can be SO rough, and it can even feel pointless at times. But every single time you are putting that effort in, slowly slowly like you say, your brain is changing!! 

I shall say nighty night for now, hopefully catch you soon hun, mayhap tomorrow! 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx kitties are so confident in themselves, I wish I could be that confident. They know they deserve lots of love, even the little scared ones.

Temptations are there, but you gotta do what your body asks. I think soft thick bread will be hard to resist.

The thing is, I’m finding it hard to be attuned with my body, because I feel like when I am, I start feeling discomfort. I naturally try to ignore and push it away. People often talk about noticing where you feel anxiety in your body and where you feel tension. Maybe I’m not quite there yet to do those sort of exercises. I feel like I need to focus on other parts of my body, hands are probably the safest, and sensory toys and touching other random stuff helps.

I hope you had a restful night, and the insomnia fairies didn’t pay you a visit 💖. I know you mentioned that you struggle with sleep

[creative_writer]

Is it too much to have hope that if I heal my gut my physical and mental health will be better? I’m afraid of being disappointed, but I don’t think I’ve had this much hope for a while

[Jynx]

Hey @creative_writer - aww you're a sweetheart, remembering stuff about me 😁 I did okay though!! About 6 hours, which for me means I can function pretty well! I accidentally left my heater on for a bundle of hours tho... my electricity bill has been skyrocketing 🙃

That makes a lot of sense, I think. Especially if you struggle with dissociation - your brain is trying to protect you from the pain. I think we do need to feel it (this relates a lot to my own chronic pain) but it's okay to do so in our own time, and when we feel safe to do so. My psych also spoke about how, when we've got trauma, it can make some nerves extra sensitive, so that they 'fire' more even when there's no stimuli. 

Love me some sensory toys!! My go-to recently has been twirling chains around my fingers haha. Found any cool ones?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx functioning well on 6 hours is good, it’s amazing you can function on little sleep.  I would be sent into mania with 6 hours. I’m super medicated, so it puts me to sleep, usually. Though I believe I’ve gone without sleep, or at least barely anything. Sometimes it’s hard differentiating between daydreaming and sleeping. Yes, I’ve daydreamed for hours straight and then didn’t remember what I was daydreaming about. It only occur to me I had been awake for hours when I snapped out of it. 

The weird thing is I used to be able to do body scans without being triggered, but it took a turn. I also used to not feel so affected by trauma because I hadn’t accepted it happened to me, it felt like it was someone else. Other people’s experiences of trauma wouldn’t trigger me, maybe I hadn’t processed it at that point. I think I naturally distanced myself because I didn’t feel like I had the resources to cope nor did I feel like I could talk to anyone about it. Maybe once I process it more, it’ll become easier to feel safe within my own body.

I love squishy toys, I also like those harder fidget toys, my sister said I could have hers. I also have a ring, I got it to stop me from rubbing excessively at my skin. Blankets and soft bed sheets also feel amazing

[Jynx]

@creative_writer haha everyone is different with their sleep needs hey!! 

I mean... to me that sounds like dissociation? I am definitely a daydreamer haha been building little worlds in my brain since I was a kid. I think a lot of it was my brain protecting me (as an undiagnosed AuDHD kid without sufficient support) and I still lean on my daydreams as one of my coping tools. 

I wonder if something shifted in terms of like... whichever part of you was keeping that pain compartmentalised has released it, so now it's all coming out? Not uncommon in processing trauma, that sometimes it can be years before we are able to process stuff. 

Ooh like those squishy lil dumplings? Love those ones!! Anything that gets a lot of movement is good for me - like I hate fidget spinners generally cos the only thing I'm doing is flicking it then just....watching it spin. Like cool ok already bored 😂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is disassociation. When thoughts start racing, it can get hard to not lose myself in daydreams. Daydreaming can be a coping strategy. I have always been a daydreamer.

This isn’t something I’ve ever said to someone, but I feel like in a way I thought myself into these debilitating trauma symptoms. I used to feel so unaffected by it, and told myself I was supposed to feel something instead of detached. Soon after then the symptoms around intrusive thoughts started. So in a way I sort of feel responsible. I was young and stupid. Maybe I did have trauma symptoms prior to a lesser degree, but they weren’t as bad.

Squishy dumplings are the best, I love fidget spinners too. I use other random bits and bobs for fidgeting like pens, clothing, bottles, AirPods. I used to play with my clothing a lot as a kid, I’ll be socialising while playing with clothing because I had so much social anxiety

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Thanks for sharing that hun, it can be soooo hard to share those kinds of thoughts. 

I can understand the logic. From my perspective, this seems like it would have all come out anyway. Feelings don't operate on logic, and whilst I can hear how much you are holding onto that sense of 'I have done this to myself.' 

But you didn't traumatise yourself, your trauma happened to you. You didn't choose to suffer, in fact you chose to feel. I've known folks who were so detached from their emotions that they seemed to always just be 'ok'... but over time I could see how much it wore them down, and left them confused and unable to truly connect with the people around them. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and to me, that was actually the first step you took towards recovery. Even if it really doesn't feel like it.

Haha did you also have holes in all your clothes as a kid? 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx strange thing was I wondered why I didn’t end up with trauma symptoms when I did have trauma symptoms. Disassociation is common in trauma. It’s just the intrusion nature came later. Maybe it would’ve come out eventually. Sometimes we grow so comfortable with being detached. At one point I was detached and just doing what I had to. I focused on uni and getting it all done. I put relationships to the side, I had convinced myself I needed nobody. I didn’t talk about it, I wasn’t ready even though I was in therapy. I don’t think I could’ve opened up to the therapists I was seeing then. The first person I opened up to was my old pdoc (who retired a few years back). My current pdoc and psych know about trauma, but I’ve found it super hard to discuss what’s going on in my body. I’m too scared to say anything. I’m scared of not being able to cope, I’m scared of how it’ll be perceived. I’ve let it within myself, it feels the safest.

I actually would end up with torn pants around my knees 😂, it was before it became fashionable. I don’t tear my clothes as much anymore, must have grown out of it. Did you tear your clothes too?