Functioning with ADHD

[AuntGlow]

Oh of course it would have been hard... not being believed about our trauma can be traumatic in itself @creative_writer 💛 Is there anyone in your life who you can be completely honest with? 

You have great awareness around when things are shifting and you know how to reach out, which is wonderful. I can see that you are working towards a more gentle awareness with less hypervigilance, which takes time. Little moments of sitting with discomfort are enough right now, because you're right, it is really hard if it's a lot of the time! This is where I would invite you to notice the moments of lightness and what preceded them (so you know very specifically what helps you to feel this way). 

It seems like breathing, fidget toys, and creative writing has been helping? Could you delve into any of these strategies today? 🥰

[rav3n]

@creative_writer i know you've mentioned struggling with some OCD symptoms before, and i was reading up on 'sensorimotor OCD' - is it something that resonates with you/you've heard of? 

grounding activities can be super helpful, and as hard as it is - i'm really proud of you for working on them and bringing your focus back into those tools. 💗

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I am able to talk about it to some extent with certain people. I prefer not to divulge too much in details. But even in a general sense it can help to talk about it. I’m currently trying to slow down my breathing, I think I might try to eat, I haven’t eaten anything since lunch. I know it’s a bad habit not to have more frequent meals with migraines, but it’s hard with a small appetite. Might need to consider more meals that are smaller, but are more frequent.

@rav3n I haven’t read much on sensorimotor OCD. I do know OCD sort of intersects with cptsd for me. Might need to look into it a bit more to determine whether I resonate. The replaying of body sensations can send me into control mode. It’s why I’ve been so disconnected for so long, it’s just that being disconnected isn’t always possible anymore. The body awareness has been hard, but I know it’s part of recovery

[tyme]

Heya @creative_writer  🙂

How'd your bday go? 

[creative_writer]

Hi @tyme I hope you are you☺️

Do you mean my birthday celebration? The food at the restaurant wasn’t as good as it used to be, but it was still a decent meal. I went to the shops afterwards and then headed home. I was a bit sick when I came home, I think I need to be careful around lighting next time

[creative_writer]

So I’m finding myself in this tug of war. Everything that has happened and everything I’ve been through has made me who I am today. I know I can use it to shape my purpose in life. I don’t agree with people who may see me as fragile, I can help people, I’m more than capable. I’ve faced scepticism before, I could go on a whole rant about it. Not fair to degrade someone to fragile. I’ve been fighting this “fragility” label for a long time.

I wouldn’t want to let go of the person I’ve become. Yet, I’m also holding a lot anger and I feel uncomfortable with this anger. Anger is a very taboo emotion. Not only did I have unwanted experiences, I have these experiences playing in my body on a regular basis. Constantly feeling things has made it challenging because it’s like I get stuck over and over again. Sometimes I miss being disconnected from my body, but I also don’t want to be apathetic. I don’t want to be angry, I want to be at peace. Maybe I’m not there yet, I don’t know

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

Thank you for sharing those powerful words. I can totally relate to what you have shared, especially the first paragraph, "Everything that has happened and everything I’ve been through has made me who I am today. I know I can use it to shape my purpose in life."

I can also relate to what you mentioned about not being fragile; that you are capable of helping people.

I've always seen your fighting spirit. That glimmer of hope helps us all continue fighting and moving on. 

Sitting with you.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I think it’s important to surround yourself with people who see the potential in you. The deficient model of mental health needs to be replaced. Mental illness shouldn’t feel like a life sentence. People often have more to them. Language is very powerful.

Maybe reconciling both sides will take time. I wouldn’t give up who I am. Maybe I’ve suppressed the anger for so long. I do try to keep my anger and temper in check, but sometimes it’s hard not to feel frustrated. I know it’s a natural response, but not a very comfortable one to sit with. Maybe I just need to sit with it and accept there are things I cannot control (like frequent flashbacks and physical health stuff)

[AuntGlow]

I love this reflection around surrounding yourself with people who can see your potential @creative_writer. It's true, who we spend our time with absolutely matters. 

I also really love hearing that you wouldn't give up who you are; it sounds like learning to love and accept all parts of yourself is an important journey for you. 

Anger is allowed, but it's a hard one to know how to express, isn't it? 

When you are feeling angry, what do you notice comes up for you exactly? Is it a feeling of not being able to show up authentically, a lack of boundaries with others, or just that you need an emotional release? I am curious to know, because I can be similar, but you don't need to share anything you're not comfortable with.

Proud of all your efforts. 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow it’s taken me so long to realise I wouldn’t give up myself, it has still been a painful process. In life you lose and gain. You can’t gain without losing and vice versa.

Expressing anger has been hard for me, it’s not talked about enough. Trauma and grief often involve anger. I think feeling as though I must suppress it has made it more challenging, there is a lot that needs to come out. Sometimes you can’t always express your anger at the perpetrator either. I also sometimes feel anger towards my parents for not supporting me and giving me the space to be authentic with my emotions, I know it wasn’t even their fault. They never knew what to do with my emotions since I was small