Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

Hugs @Teej 

Hello @suzanne 

[suzanne]

Hi @Shaz51 🙂

[Teej]

So my call to the help centre ended up a case of failure to launch 😫. I couldn’t talk about it. 

I need to talk to someone who knows me a bit so here I am petrified of telling the world but more scared of not talking about it. I’m really close to the edge and it’s eating me alive. 

One of the themes that came up was anger. Over the last week I realised that there is a huge mismatch with anger and me. The psychologist had talked about being able to be angry in the TFP sessions and for the first time strange things happened and I realised I have to deal with it because all I know now is to be truly angry at myself. As the psychologist has been pushing me away (we both know I’m not a match for her for this therapy) I’ve been getting more and more out of control to the point I am angry and screaming at her in my head. I can’t have any interaction with her now without  that huge fear of rejection when it comes and that I’m going to be left with this to deal with by myself. I’m having to take more and more to self medicate and I am losing hope. Yesterday she spoke to my therapist and my therapist confirmed that it seems unlikely for it to go ahead. I can’t do this work with my therapist for lots of reasons I chose not to elaborate here. 

I am petrified and the what if’s have been running amok because I also fear if the answer is yes from the psychologist because I’m scared what else she’ll uncover and lots of other stuff. So I’ve been trading water trying to be positive but getting pulled under further and further through this process. I am so angry at myself because I don’t understand totally why it is having such a huge affect on me. I’d found a place from respite that was so much more positive and then this has undone it all. The kids have moved back and I can’t face them. I’ve been locked in my room self medicating trying to pass time but it’s getting harder. 

I would value any thoughts before I push it too far. 

Edited 

I know this post doesn’t make full sense. I know I’ve left lots out. 

[suzanne]

Hey @Teej, I won't get a chance to write anything particularly thoughtful tonight but I just wanted to pop in and offer some support.  You've been in this place, or very similar places before, and got yourself out.  You never believe that you will, but you do.  What seems completely over-whelming responds to small deliberate actions that break your paralysis.  So what are those small steps for tonight? 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Shaz51 @suzanne

Hearing you @Teej ...

The bits you are getting out and knowing the gaps between matter.

I am having my own little flip out and will log off after this post, but sending you best wishes.  

[suzanne]

Hi @Appleblossom 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜💜💜 @Teej @Appleblossom .....

[Faith-and-Hope]

You can find that place again @Teej ..... the one out of respite ..... it’s beyond Nd th anger, and although you don’t know how to get past it in this moment and that is causing panic ...... keep treading water and it will pass ..... let it pass over you like a wave, and come up for air on the other side of it.

Its really scary when our huge emotional responses seem unconnected with understanding, but one thing I have learned is that emotions can process themselves independently of our thought processes ...... that’s why I keep saying to keep yourself busy ..... your body (walking) your hands (cooking, cleaning, drawing, writing, puzzles) your mind (cooking, cleaning, drawing, writing, puzzles, watch tv) and your emotions will continue doing their thing in the background.

Using the energy that processing creates helps to disperse it.

Take courage @Teej.  Hold onto us as the wave passes over you ..... you can do this ..... I believe in you ......

💜💜💜

[Teej]

I know it was a rhetorical question @suzanne and I know the answer you’d hoped to hear, but I’m still the weak link on the forum. I wanted to write a smart a**e response but I can’t even manage that just now. 

@Faith-and-Hope I see you there. I’m so sorry I’ve been such a :pile_of_poo: lately. I am struggling to relate or try anything. I hate this part of me lately. I’ve changed so much. I’m scared and feel out of control so much. I am self sabotaging at every turn 😡. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Teej.

Sitting will you too.  All night if you need me to.  I don’t have uni tomorrow and WH is not here .....