I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I finally got an hour and 35 minutes of sleep. @Ru-bee @rav3n. Now my alarm has gone off to wake up I’m really tired and want to sleep. So frustrating 

I don’t drink tea @Ru-bee but I did have a shower before I got into bed. Getting up is a tough one. At night it’s ok but in the morning after nightshift it kinda stimulates you. The sun and movement and circadian rhythm all point to being awake! 

I did try the clench and unclench @rav3n. I did it for each part of my body.

[rav3n]

@Captain24 sleeping during the day is hard, but 1hr 35 mins is better than no sleep! do you find the clenching strategy useful?

hoping the car servicing stuff goes well!

[Captain24]

I can quite easily nap during the day when I want to but when I know I have to it’s harder @rav3n 

I practice pretty good sleep hygiene. I have to with shift work and bipolar. 

The clenching does relax me sometimes. Other times it makes me frustrated. I know that makes no sense. 

Im sooo hoping that they tell me the roo didn’t do any damage just the plates that are there to protect the underneath of your car. Im pretty sure at best they will need replacing. It’s been on my mind since I hit it on Friday.

It toppled over my bucket of shit. I’m slowly regaining it but today is a struggle. Setting off some thoughts that I don’t need. Plus I have some ED stuff coming up. It’s always there and I dont talk about it much to anyone but something happened that triggered it even more. Now I feel like I’ve gone backwards with it. I’m trying to put it to the back but it’s now front and centre. In a pretty bad way. 

[Ru-bee]

It's completely understandable that the accident with the roo would be affecting you @Captain24 I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that the damage is minimal. 

Having setbacks is normal, although they're never fun. is there anything that has helped in the past when your ED has become front and centre like this? 

[Captain24]

Hey @Ru-bee 

There is no mechanical damage at all! The bash plates are shattered and need to be replaced. I don’t know how much that is going to cost but my cousin will let me know. Hopefully on Wednesday when I have to take dad back out. 

Oh and my cousin sent the guy with the weakest stomach to have a look and I scalped the roo so all the hair is under there. He didn’t look very well when he came back in! 😂 

My ED hasn’t been as loud as it is now. I’m really hating my body and I’m disgusted with it and I have sores because of it. I have my dietitian tomorrow so I’ll talk to her. I don’t see my psych until the 5th but we haven’t really talked ED but we might have too. She isn’t trained in ED’s but she can help with the thoughts. 

[Ru-bee]

Oh no, that sounds like it was a bit gory 😨 @Captain24 

I'm sorry that you're feeling in such a bad place with your ED right now. It's good that you're seeing your dietician tomorrow, and your psych early next month. I wonder if you've ever contacted a specific service about this, like the Butterfly Foundation? Perhaps they could assist in bridging that gap between your appointment tomorrow and the one on the 5th?

[Captain24]

I guess I just have to wait and she what she has to say tomorrow @Ru-bee. I have tried to eat and eat healthily but for no reward. 

I feel like the butterfly foundation is for really sick people and I’m grossly overweight so I’m not sick. Just fat and shameful and embarrassed and disgusting and horrible

[Captain24]

I’m getting really tired. It’s like I’m overtired. I’m not doing well with it. 

[Ru-bee]

I know it's so frustrating to not see any pay off for your efforts @Captain24 , because healthy eating isn't an easy thing, especially when you're working full time! But I do remember maybe last week you were feeling that you were starting to feel some benefits. I get it's hard to remember those moments right now if you're feeling like you've gone backwards a bit this past week

The Butterfly Foundation are for anyone struggling with body image issues up to EDs. I've even considered calling them myself despite not having an ED, I have definitely gone through stages of disordered eating and unhealthy relationship with my body. It's okay if you don't feel you need to talk to them, but maybe it can just be there as an option for you

Edit because I just saw your last post - When will you be able to settle in and get some rest tonight?

[Captain24]

I do feel the benefits in feeling healthier @Ru-bee. But I’m not ‘seeing’ anything. My dietitian said I would that my numbers would change and they haven’t. It has been hard with work but I’m trying to get better at planning my meals. This last block was a fail as it turns out that the meal wasn’t so fresh by the time Monday came around and I got sick. 

It’s the sore and the numbers which have pushed me way over the edge. It was there anyway. 

I might go to bed early but it won’t be for a while as I have to take the dogs out to the toilet before we all go to bed. 

I just have to fight off these thoughts. They aren’t very pretty. I need a lot of self talk to stay in the safe zone. I’m not good at self talk