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18-06-2017 02:27 PM
18-06-2017 02:27 PM
Struggling to Survive
When life has no meaning, no purpose - it is a constant struggle to confront each new day and manage to ‘function’. Detachment from reality is my best defence. Without the emotional connections I am able to survive. The smallest of distractions can send me into a spiral that leads to unwanted and harmful thoughts. Feelings become amplified to the point of physical discomfort. The world closes in and seems to trap me in a never ending dark spiral. I can’t see the way out as I am tossed and turned, battered and bruised. The wounds are internalised and the struggle continues!
So I need to be alone as that is my only certainty for being safe – safe from disappointment, safe from conflict, safe from being let down, safe from violence, safe from further hurt. But when there are few distractions and your mind has time on its own to think, the freedom of space begins to close in. When you realise that the only people in the world that actually know you exist and care about you are the ones that you are isolating yourself from then the heartache and loneliness is magnified. If I was one cube of ice in an avalanche nobody would see me – it would make no difference if I were not there – the avalanche would continue regardless. I am one tiny, insignificant part of the universe that would soon be forgotten – in the wider scheme of life – I may as well not exist!
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18-06-2017 06:48 PM
18-06-2017 06:48 PM
Re: Struggling to Survive
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18-06-2017 07:24 PM
18-06-2017 07:24 PM
Re: Struggling to Survive
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18-06-2017 08:12 PM
18-06-2017 08:12 PM
Re: Struggling to Survive
I am sorry you feel so bad @Zoe7 i just wanted to say hi but i havent been around much because i am kind of in the same boat atm.
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18-06-2017 08:38 PM
18-06-2017 08:38 PM
Re: Struggling to Survive
Everyday is another day just like the last. It is dark even in the brightest light. I sit in silence yet the noise is deafening. As day turns to night I fear the inevitable. When the will to go on fades so does hope for the future. I cannot find a way out of this well - I cannot see past this moment I am in. For the time being this is what is keeping me alive because I do not have the energy to plan anything. There is only so much of this life that one can take, only so much pain that can be endured. I do not want to feel like this, I do not want to keep hurting, I do not want my mind to think! My entire existence and all that I am is stuck in the past - and I cannot move on - I cannot move forward! There is no joy, no happiness, no peace. I need to be free of my sadness, free of my fears, free of my pain, free of my life! How do I do that? I do not know - and at this point I do not have the energy or motivation to care. I want it to stop, I want it to end, I want out of this pain - I want to be FREE!
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18-06-2017 09:40 PM
18-06-2017 09:40 PM
Re: Struggling to Survive
Thinking of you
everyday
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18-06-2017 09:51 PM
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19-06-2017 01:06 AM
19-06-2017 01:06 AM
Re: Struggling to Survive
I am afraid of feeling as feeling brings unimaginable pain. I am afraid of thinking as my mind makes connections, without prompting, to the past and the hurt. I am afraid of forming relationships as I don’t believe I am worthy of being liked. I am afraid of trusting as I have always been let down. I am afraid of succeeding as that will bring unwanted attention – and I am afraid of failing for the same reason. I am afraid that my ‘secrets’ will become known and they will cause other people pain. I am afraid that keeping these secrets inside is destroying me a little more each day. I am afraid that my life has no meaning and that when I am gone no-one will remember me. I am afraid of living because it has no real meaning and I can’t see the future as being anything more than what the past has been!
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19-06-2017 01:21 AM
19-06-2017 01:21 AM
Re: Struggling to Survive
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19-06-2017 01:22 AM
19-06-2017 01:22 AM
Re: Struggling to Survive
@Former-Member