I have always had symptoms of depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. Especially health anxiety and phobias. I was so scared each night and wouldn’t sleep because I thought there were monsters until I was a teenager, and even then I needed a light on to sleep.
My father passed away almost a year ago and I have been struggling to deal with it and getting very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to walk out the door some days but push myself to anyway.
My parents divorced when I was young, and both showed me love but had very poor boundaries and my childhood completely lacked stability (I moved house around 30 times, went to multiple schools, lived with lots of different people and watched relationships come and go). They were never physically or emotionally abusive but they both had periods of depression.
I stayed at my father’s house on a Friday and Saturday night each week and one week over holidays.
My dad had multiple people staying with him at various times as he was a drug and alcohol Counsellor and has a big heart for people in need.
I recently found out that one of those people who was living with Dad has been accused of being a paedophile who sexually abused multiple little girls. When I heard it I was in shock and started crying but I don’t know if it’s because I am grieving and my mind is playing tricks on me?
I was staying with them when I was 8-9.
I have blocked out most of my childhood. I honestly remember nothing of that year except building a dollhouse out of popsicle sticks with them. I can see him in my mind but I think it is just my mind playing tricks because I didn’t see that before I heard this.
I do know that around that time I started experimenting sexually with older family friends (1 year older) but I’m not sure if that was just a natural age appropriate curiosity. I showed signs of being abused as a child (shy, easily scared, private, some obsessions and compulsions, picking at my skin when I was older), but I have always put it down to instability growing up.
Is it possible to be abused and not remember a thing?
Is it possible to feel very disturbed as I do by the situation but nothing has actually happened? As a mother now I feel angry that my parents allowed those situations so I don’t know if that is overpowering my feelings but I feel emotionally wrecked after hearing it.
Is it worth exploring it with my psychologist or should I just be grateful that I remember nothing? I don’t think I would want to remember.
Having such a busy childhood with so many changes it makes sense you cannot remember everything. I only managed to anchor my memories as I had a govt file (a weird positive side of being a state ward). So memories became clearer and less shifting.
Do some journalling about it. I work with themes sometimes, or with houses I lived in etc ...to try and get some order and narrative understanding about people and life. In memories beautiful things can emerge, that help balance things, that have influenced the way your values are.
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