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Something’s not right

janey2906
New Contributor

Wearing of the mask

Hi everyone,

Thankyou for takng the time to read my post.

Firstly, I suffer from Mental Illness. My diagnosis is Bipolar 2, PTSD (from DV) , generalised anxiety, chronic depression. The last 3 years have been extrodinarily bad. Have had numerous admissions to hospital, each time with a change of meds. 

At the moment i feel numb. I cant cry, i cant get any emotion. I am self harming.  What i want to ask is how do other cope with having to "wear a mask" so others dont see you falling apart?

I have suicidal thoughts everyday and I feel such a burden to my family. We live in a rural community without great supports. Im just so tired of keeping up such a facade. 

I have never posted on this forum before, and wasnt quite sure what i was asking, maybe im just acknowledging that my mental health is taking over life at the moment.

Thankyou for allowing me to post.

Rainbows and Love to all

 

xx

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Wearing of the mask

Hi @janey2906 

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for sharing something of your story and difficulties with us here. Dealing with thoughts of suicide and self harm urges can be exhausting. I think you will find that many members will understand your reference to the "mask" and like yourself may feel that they cannot safely discuss these topics or their distress with others in their life. I am glad that you have found your way to this supportive online community and hope that connecting with a bit of peer support will be useful for you.

FYI: Some new members like to introduce themselves on this thread here.

Re: Wearing of the mask

@janey2906   Firstly, welcome to the forums.  

 

I can relate so much to what you’re saying.

 

Although not an official diagnosis, my councillor has said he thinks I have PTSD - a result from 5 years of CSA from multiple offenders starting when I was 8.  I kept my abuse a secret from my family and friends for 40years (they still don’t know). My husband of 26years only found out the details in the last 12months or so.  

 

My husband and I started seeing a marriage councillor 2 years ago, and once my CSA came to light I started seeing this councillor one on one to help me with that.

 

I feel like I have been wearing a mask all my life, especially the last couple of years.  I chose my profile pic because it reflected how I have felt exactly.

 

I have come extremely close to 3 suicide attempts, the most recent less than 12 months ago.  

 

My husband and I seperated around a month ago, it was also around this time that I felt my councillor had completely let me down and I have stopped my sessions with him.  

 

I have a problem (maybe not the right word, to me it isn’t actually a problem) with dissociation.  As a child to cope my mind went to a totally different place but as an adult I slip into a presence that feels no emotion, and that’s where I have been residing for the last month or more.  I can’t cry, I really want to but when the tears start I retreat further into this presence and then feel nothing again.  I have self harmed to just “feel” something, but even that doesn’t work .

 

I live in a small rural community, in fact it’s small enough that I have even crossed paths with my abusers a few times over the years - and that is where my mask becomes extremely important - in front of everyone I’m just the same as everyone else, behind the mask I’m screaming and falling apart.

 

As much as I feel let down by my councillor, he had been a huge help up until that point.  I understand in rural communities the supports aren’t always there, but have you considered a therapist?  Being in a session was the only time I felt like I could drop the mask and be “real” - and that was a fantastic feeling.

 

Do you have any close friends you can be “real” with and confide in?  Bottling it up doesn’t help.  Reach out to members on the forum, here you are anonymous and can speak your truth,

and you will find that there are a lot of people that share a lot of similarities.

 

I hope to see you around the forums.  If you place an @ before a name it will tag and notify that person.

 

Happy to chat anytime ❤️❤️

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