Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Swirlywhirly]

Hello! 
I am really grateful to have found this community 🙏🏼

Ive really struggled with my husbands behaviour for the last 2 years. I’ve gone through so many different emotions. From thinking I wasn’t a good person to then thinking I’m crazy to finally coming out the other side to realise I am none of those things and what is happening at home is not ‘normal’. There is intense emotional abuse directed to me (on average) every 2nd day, at one point out of 8 days 6 of those days were very abusive (each day a different reason). The longest time without an outburst or silent treatment has been 3 weeks.
It didn’t make sense to me that my husband (of 7 years) was now ‘like this’ until I came across the book ‘stop walking on eggshells’. Everything makes sense now and there is a sense of relief but also dread. 

the next step for me is to find a psychologist or psychiatrist to speak to and support me. 

does this community offer recommendations or a guide as to where to start looking for someone with the right qualifications? 

I find it hard to get anytime to research this issue as he is always close by or sneaks up out of no where and constantly wants to know what I’m doing or where I’m going (ie leaving the room to go to the bathroom) and even walks straight into the bathroom without knocking to ‘brush his teeth’. 

I feel like I’m suffocating. 

[tyme]

Hey @Swirlywhirly ,

I hear you. Not because I've been in your situation, but because I have BPD. The emotional turmoil within was horrendous, let alone how I reacted towards others. 

Whatever it is, at no point should you be abused. If you feel he is abusing you and you do not feel safe, please call 000. Borderlines need to own their actions as much as anyone else. You can also contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.

One thing for certain is that if a person doesn't know they need help, BPD therapy won't really help. It needs full commitment from the person. BPD treatment is not so much about medication, but talking therapy - therapies such as ACT, DBT, Schema Therapy, Narrative Therapy and MBT have shown to be helpful.

I completed 18 months of MBT (mentalisation-based therapy). It made a world of difference for me. I don't have those emotional outbursts anymore. I had my therapy through a personality disorder specialist service. I'm still in awe about how much I have changed. It's been 5 years since I completed treatment. 

Specialists may offer you DBT or MBT, but the main element that many are missing is the group therapy. You cannot say you have completed DBT or MBT without the group element. It's cruicial.

BPD is very recoverable. You may want to visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

[Swirlywhirly]

Thank you @tyme 🙏🏼

can I ask how you knew you needed help? I have chatted a few times with 1800 respect and while helpful to validate my feelings, it doesn’t change what happens at home. My husband is far from knowing he needs help and we are very much in the stage of where he denies xyz took places, minimises or says I lie. 
we’ve had many big chats about the behaviour and sometimes it’s revived well and he is committed to change and other times it’s the opposite. 
this is where I feel stuck. I don’t know what I can do to help him. 
but I also know I am part of the problem as I realised I have enabled him now when things happen I think ‘we’ll it’s not as bad as the time xyz happened’. 
I am a proactive person, I feel like I’ve just crawled out of hell and are feeling strong to take next steps whether it be by leaving or my husband goes to therapy. 
Thanks again for taking the time to reply. And great to hear you had a successful recovery 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[tyme]

Hey @Swirlywhirly ,

My life was a mess. That's how I came to realise I needed help. I couldn't keep any close relationship because as soon as someone tried to get close, my claws came out. I ended up being so dissatisfied and lonely. I hated life so much. I think this is what made me want to seek help.

There may need to be a conversation whereby you let him know how the current tensions are affecting you as it seems he is not aware there is a problem! Unless he knows there's an issue, it's unlikely he will want a solution. 

He should be the one looking for supports for himself. 

Ask him, "Are you happy with how things are going for us?" Leave it at that and let him think about it.

[tyme]

How are you today @Swirlywhirly ?

Any thoughts you'd like to unpack here on the forums? I'd be more than happy to sit with you.

[Swirlywhirly]

Thank you @tyme. sorry I took a while to jump back on here. I appreciate your responses. 

Your success is so positive. 

[Swirlywhirly]

Hi @tyme 

So kind to check in and for the offer. I was able to make some calls today to try and find some professional help but no luck yet. 
hopefully the right help will be found soon! 
🙏🏼

[tyme]

@Swirlywhirly , I wonder if you would be interested in a few sessions with a SANE counsellor/peer worker on SANE's Guided Service? https://www.sane.org/referral

[tyme]

Professional help may not mean giving you answers. Rather, it can even be a listening ear to help you debrief about what's going on for you and how you feel about everything.

Living in a constant heightened state can be very tiring - carers often don't realise this until they are burnout. @Swirlywhirly 

We wouldn't want you to feel burnt out. 

We hope your husband is able to see that something isn't right and needs to change.

[Swirlywhirly]

@tyme yes, that is exactly what I am hoping to find. I know I need to get my head right and figure out the future for the kids and I.