failing uni

[PK]

ive been lying to my parents, sibings and everyone else (family friends, parents who are friends w my parents, and friends) that I have only one year left of a uni degree, but they dont know i failed the first year and had to repeat it. The first year was terrible for me not because i was even going through something rough it was just too hard academically and i was always behind - even on admin stuff which is one of the reasons why (i didnt have my mandatory documentation completed despite being reminded several times and only became aware of information late and never did any work because i just didnt understand it and i was underprepared and also lazy coming off of year 12 because of intense burnout. I had to have meetings with the lecturer in charge of the course and everything and even got called up for plagiarism that year. Since then everything has been much better and im always up to date, I did suprisingly very well in the practical elements of this course. But the thing is, I’ve been keeping this secret for 3 years. I’ve had so many conversations with my parents where I’ve lied about how many years are left, and even to family friends and friends. I have been living this lie for three years. My family has taken me on holidays not knowing this, I was going to tell them after my classes finished this year but they had already booked these expensive holidays and I just couldn’t do it. I can’t do it im so scared. Now ive told everyone else recently at a gathering (which i usually never go) to recently because theyve has been asking me about uni and I’ve lied every time saying I have one year left. I am sick to my stomach to the point where the only thing that i can imagine doing is adding another lie to the mix by saying i failed my units midway this semester and that i have to repeat 4th year (instead of it bein 1st year like it actually was). but i feel like to do this i have to show them ive been out, I’m also working and I can’t delay it because they think this is my ‘last year’. I’ve been lying to everyone but mainly my family for the last 3 years and I feel so guilty and they wil feel so disrespected if they found out or they detected something didn’t add up and I ended up breaking and telling them the real truth. They really will be so disappointed and ashamed of me I dont even know what to do. I feel like there are alot of people who I’ve lied to and there are people who've had to repeat units but never an entire year and having to repeat a whole year. This is also because in my first year I failed a mandatory unit which meant if I failed that specific unit, I will have failed the entire year which I did. Right now its uni break before my ‘last year’ starts (really its my second to last year) and feel like it might be a good idea to get a full time job to show them i’ve been doing something useful before telling them halfway through this next year that I’ve failed the semester and have been pushed into part time? Im not even sure how this will work but i need to figure out how logistically - what failing semester 1 does - does it mean that they’d think i have to add only ONE semester? because i need it to add a whole year. Realistically I’d only know this at the end of the year (especially if its a mandatory unit) whether I failed all my units or not. 

[Coral_Swimmer]

Hey @PK, and welcome to the forums 🌿. I can hear how stressful this situation is, and that it's probably not the most comfortable topic to talk about, so thank you for trusting the community here as a place to share and seek out support. I'm sure that the community will have some insights to share with you soon! 

The first year of uni can be a massive adjustment from high school - there's a lot less guidance, and a lot more that you're responsible for - especially when you're experiencing burn out. You were able to learn from that and have been able to take those learnings with you through the rest of your course, to stay on top of things, which really shows your resilience even in those hard moments.

Realising that this lie has compounded and left you in really difficult spot is scary. It sounds like the lie originally was a way to protect yourself, but you recognise that it's now just causing you even more stress so you're thinking about what it might be like to tell people. Even just thinking about this takes a lot of courage! And it's the first step towards whatever decision you decide to make.

When you're feeling stuck about what to do, something like a change process balance sheet can be helpful. It's a way to weigh up the current negative + positive consequences of your current situation, and the potential benefits + costs of making a change, to guide your decision. I've linked one there if you'd like to check it out 🌼.

Keep taking care of yourself, and reaching out here. We're all here for you 🌱!

[FearofUnknown]

You shouldn't have to feel ashamed for failing University. It can become academically hard for everyone, regardless of what you study. A talk with the Course Coordinator will help you to plan out your subjects so that you can progress forward whilst waiting to repeat your first year subjects (unless there are prerequisites). 

As for lying to everyone around you - you could say that you need an extra year as certain subjects are more difficult and have a higher credit point (6 instead of 4) so rather than studying 4 subjects, you are studying 2 or 3 (and these will be your repeat subjects) so that's why you need another year at Uni. But saying it's "my last year" has really caused you trouble. Because you are no where near your last year. The only real solution is to confess that it's not your last year and instead, you are taking an EXTRA year to finish University.

Personally, I had failed some first year subjects too that were prerequisites for my other subjects but it didn't stop me from moving forward. I was studying 2nd year subjects whilst repeating first year. I took out an extra year studying 3 subjects per semester instead of 4 and by the time it was my 4th year, I was back on track studying 3rd year/Final year subjects. You can make it work out even if you've failed some subjects so don't give up! Failing a subject shouldn't be hurdle to stop. Nobody knew I had failed my subjects and that didn't matter.

[avant-garde]

@PK 

Thank you for showing such courage and bravery simply in posting here. 

It sounds really difficult what you are going through, with the pressure and expectations from your family.

You have done so well to get your course back on track and to even be where you are in it! 

I don't know your parents, but I would hope they see how much strength it takes to come forward and be vulnerable enough to share the truth, and the courage to persist even when you failed your first year, that you've excelled since then and become a better student and person because of it.

Whatever happens, we're here for you

[MatchaToad]

Hi @PK

It is clear how much this is weighing on you. The "sick to your stomach" feeling is a natural reaction to carrying a heavy secret for three years, especially when you value your family's opinion so highly.

Firstly, take a deep breath. You are most certainly not the first person to struggle with the transition from high school to university and young adulthood. Academic burnout and admin struggles are very real hurdles.

You mentioned the idea of telling a new lie, that you failed units this year instead of three years ago. While this does feel like the easier way out, it does carry risks, which you should at least consider before making a decision:

• Papertrail: if your family ever asks to see a transcript of a graduation letter, the dates would not match
• Emotional Burden: you are already so exhausted from three years of lying. Adding a new, complex lie requires you to maintain a story for another few years. This will only prolong your anxiety.
• Logistical Gaps: as you noted, failing one semester usually doesn't push your degree back a full year unless it's a very specific prerequisite. Your family could ask why you can't just do summer school or take an extra unit next term.

Doubling down on the lie usually leads to a more painful "break" later on. Coming clean about the original struggle is often the only way to truly stop the cycle of guilt.

If and when you do decide to tell them, you don't have to do it without a plan. You could say something like:

"I have something very difficult to tell you. I've been carrying a lot of guilt for three years, and I need to be honest because I respect you both too much to keep lying. In my first year of Uni, I really struggled. I was so burnt out from Year 12, I fell behind on admin, and I ended up failing that year. I was so ashamed and scared of disappointing you that I told you I passed. I've kept the lie going ever since. The truth is, I have two years left, not one. But I want you to know that since that first year, I have been working so hard, and I've caught up. I'm doing well in my practicals, and I am so committed to finishing. I am so sorry for the deception. I just didn't know how to tell you."

You mentioned feeling that people have repeated units, but "never an entire year". This isn't true. So many students, especially in their first year of university, have to repeat an entire year due to gateway units (mandatory units). Something to remind yourself that the transition from year 12 to university is hard, lots of students struggle and fail because both are such different structures, environments, workloads, etc. Something else you should recognise is that you overcame failing the first year, and you're currently passing and doing well in practicals. That proves you can do the work!

Before you speak to your family, get your "house in order" so you can show them you have a plan:

• map out remaining units: have a clear document that shows which units are left and when your graduation date is expected
• check your finances: if your parents are paying for uni, be prepared to discuss how the extra year will be funded
• talk to a uni counsellor: most uni's have free, confidential counselling. They can help you practice this conversation and manage the "plagiarism" anxiety you still carry.

The truth is painful for a moment, but a lie is heavy forever. Your family may be disappointed initially, but they are more likely to be hurt by the secret than the failure itself. Showing them that you have matured and are now succeeding at university is the best way to earn back that trust. Try to be kind and gentle to yourself, you will get through this!

[NightFury]

Hi @PK I understand the burden of carrying this particular lie and can relate. 

I started Uni studying a Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Law degree. I got three years in and I lost both my Grandparents in the same year and really suffered with my mental health. I stopped attending classes. I would catch a ride in with my Mum each morning because she worked in town and bus or walk to Uni, but I'd spend all day playing role play fan fiction and writing HTML instead of going to class. A couple of weeks before final exams were due to start, I was pulled into the Criminal Law lecturer's office and told that I wouldn't be allowed to sit my exam. I had missed too many classes. As this was a core unit, it would mean that I wouldn't pass the requirements for that year. I had failed out of Law. 

My parents had paid for my degree. I didn't have a HECS debt because they had decided to finance it for me. I didn't want to own up to my mental health struggles, to the fact that I had been keeping up the pretence of going to Uni. And I didn't want to let them down. So, instead of telling them I'd failed, I told them that I had decided not to pursue Law any further. 

I finished my Arts degree that year, and then decided that I needed to replace Law with something, and so I started a Post Graduate Bachelor of Teaching. I now have many qualifications and I'm back at Uni part time studying to be a Child and Adolescent Counsellor. To this day, my parents don't know the real and truthful reason behind why I didn't complete my Law degree. 

But I also have to add, it's a lie that doesn't matter any more. It doesn't hold weight any more. I came out of Uni with a Bachelor of Arts with a double major in History and Ancient Civs and a Post Graduate Bachelor of Teaching. All that matters is that I got there in the end. 

[FearofUnknown]

"But I also have to add, it's a lie that doesn't matter any more. It doesn't hold weight any more... All that matters is that I got there in the end."

I definitely agree that it doesn't matter what route we take, as long as we get there in the end. I didn't finish Uni the conventional way, choosing to skip the Graduation Ceremony due to Anxiety but I graduated in the end. I too have a secret I have been feeling guilty about but I know that I had no choice and was desperate so that drastic action had to take place. I got Direct Admission into my Dream degree and if I didn't take the risk and have a secret of my own, there was no way I would have graduated with a Bachelor Degree. I would have had to drop out of Uni.

Likewise, you need to lie to your family to be able to focus on your studies without the burden of them being disappointed that you had failed and if you didn't tell the lie, you may have not been motivated to continue on. The lie is understandable. But like what @NightFury had said, the importance is getting there in the end. You will be graduating in 2 years, not 1. So what? You can tell exactly that to your family now.

[lgalg]

I can relate to this so much. I failed many classes and didn't tell anyone, I just kept pretending that I was on track to finish. It ended up taking me 7 years to finish a 4 year degree. One year told my parents I was having a gap year but I tried to study instead. I even hid going on placement from them at one point. I did end up admitting to failing one unit and told them that it was a prerequisite which meant I would need to extend my course. It also helped me that this was during covid so I sort of used that as an excuse as to why it was extended by I more than a year. 

This all took a tole on my mental health and it got to a point where I was so afraid of their questions that I spent almost a week barricaded in my room and not eating much because I couldn't be in the same space as them. 

All of this was really exhausting and, like others have shared, the lie didn't go away after I graduated. I was so afraid that my parents would want to look at my transcript if they saw it arrive in the mail. Thankfully they have never seen it. 

It has now been a few years since I graduated and have only just started sharing with my parents about my mental health struggles. I still haven't told them about failing uni and I'm not sure if I ever will. I do feel like if it came up now I would feel okay telling them because I have less shame around why it was so hard for me. 

In my experience there isn't an easy way out of this. For me it was either keep lying and feel that burden or go through the painful and uncomfortable feelings of telling the truth. I think what helped me get through this the most was finding people I could be honest with. I think without that I would still feel a lot of shame about my time at uni and would have never opened up to my parents. 

It sounds like you have done an amazing job of getting yourself on top of everything after first year. I hope you can see and celebrate that achievement.

[tyme]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences @lgalg @PK @FearofUnknown @MatchaToad @NightFury  and others following. 

It takes a lot to open up about 'hidden' parts of our lives. Fear of failing, fear of disappointing is so real. I can also relate because I pretty much stopped interacting with my parents by the time I left school. I couldn't bear disappointing them with what I failure I was. My mental health struggles were so real at that point - so that I couldn't do much in life at all.

At the same time, I wonder if our loved ones would have been more understanding of our needs, had we let them know?

I really don't know.

I look forward to hearing others' experiences.