Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Mazarita for your warmth, understanding and kindness and for sharing your experience. Hearing you gives me hope and a reminder that time will help as it so often does. It is also helpful to be encouraged and reminded to go gently as go hard can be a bit of a default setting I think.

I was with friend when those feelings hit last night. We were in the middle of a very close moment (quietly because of littler sleeping ones we are careful around) when an out of the blue lump happened in my throat then a couple of tears. I tried to push it all back down but it kept coming until a deep, raw, intense sadness made its way up and out. When that happens I can hear myself thinking 'no this is not happening, cut it out, stop it right now', but I can also hear myself saying that it's OK to be sad and that I won't actually drown in my puddle of feelings even though it feels like I will. Then I become angry with myself for being hard on myself because I am soft inside 😏. It's noisy, messy and confusing.

Things for me can be overdrive which I admit I can and do take up a level, and maybe that's part of telling myself to suck it up Princess. Feelings are just so inconvenient sometimes. Even the feelings I am developing for friend can annoy me because they threaten to take some well established walls down and those walls have served the very helpful purpose of allowing me to function. I worry that without what is probably a guarded toughness (ice queen-ness) I will leave myself too exposed to inside and outside stuff.

(Probably a great thing that the NDIS has come through as clearly I have some work to do with my psych 😑)

That was a big vent which I am very thankful for having the space to do and will now leave here so I can do the functioning thing, beginning with an intake appointment for a family violence counselling service, a blood test to confirm hcg levels have decreased and put a numerical value on how not-pregnant I am (which feels full of wrong), then a house full of people thanks to me offering to lend hand today (taking it up a level there maybe) and carols with about a bazillion hyped up kids. Yay/ugh life :face_with_rolling_eyes:😉

Thank you for listening anyone who may have. Setting myself a mini challenge to find and share a highlight of the day as I know there will be one if I pay attention, and hoping the day has good feeling moments for everyone.

[Bimby2]

Hi @CheerBear and may your day go well for you. Season's blessings sent your way. Bimby2.

[outlander]

Morning @CheerBear @Teej
Thinking of you both and sending some hugs ❤❤

[Bimby2]

Thank you @outlander for your good wishes. Bimby2

[Teej]

Hey @CheerBear, saw your post in the worry room. It sounds like the storm you are having after the storm which has been after the other storm.......and it’s ok to be feeling like you do. There are only so many storms people can get through without feeling overwhelmed and angry, hurt and maybe helpless. I think you’ve gone through your fair share. 

I hope after Christmas you might be able to feel the calmer weather (I guess that means it’s probably going to be stinking hot 🥵, but hopefully no more storms). I’m feeling the craziness of this time of year and I’ve not had any major storms for a while. It totally sucks that our emotions have to ramp up a notch at this time of year anyway. 

So.....I’m going to overwhelm you with the following (cos I can 😜😘)...

[Teej]

PS I have not been on the forum much because life has got busy. I’m doing ok.💜🤗

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Teej. Your reminders feel good during what's probably/hopefully not much more than overwhelmed spent-ness, even if it feels more at times. I am trying so hard to stop it from becoming more and it is all getting very tiring. This latest storm, the entirely avoidable, little/giant oops that still hurts a lot, has really pushed me and my timing with it was spectacularly messed up which I am so angry at myself for. But it will pass. Most likely after the bananas that is this time of the year, when we are through it and are all having some down time. I really need some of that asap.

I am glad you are doing OK. I have been hoping that you've been alright during what I know is a challenging time for so many.

Thanks for being you Teej.

[CheerBear]

On the back of some decent and much needed sleep and a better afternoon/evening last night I feel a little less negative about about life today. I feel mixed up about what happened to finish this year off for me but, probably inspired by your post yesterday Zoe7, I spent some time remembering that there has been so much more than that. I don't expect anyone to read or reply to this novel but I've shared enough tricky lately and wanted to remember some good that happened this year while I can see it. 

This year something great that happened was that we added to our village. I dropped (kind of) my defensive, antisocial, bitter-about-life thing and met some awesome people who have become friendly acquaintances and probably even friends. It's now not unusual to find extra people, little and big, at our house after school which is much more like our old life again.

I also met my friend and, despite my best efforts not to 😉, am really enjoying getting to know and spend time with him. I'm practicing not running from vulnerability and trying to challenge some deeply ingrained and not always helpful ideas and feelings I have about intimate relationships. It can be a minefield working through boundaries, communication, conflict and triggers but I realise it is worth trying because I don't want to deny myself the closeness with someone that can and does feel great.

I asked for help and willingly accepted a stay at the break place which until then I would have almost needed dragging to. Because of that I made it through a very scary patch of fighting to stay alive and, while sometimes dark and twisted thoughts do creep in, I can see that they are not as intense or as frequent as they used to be and they do feel much more fightable than they've felt for a long time. 

I've increased the security, stability and support I need by applying for and having both the ndis and dsp approved. During those processes I needed to face and accept the reality of my life from certain perspectives that I never want to see or hear, but it hugely paid off. 

I also grew much closer to someone very important to me while they lived here and battled through the toughest time they've had. I feel proud of the support I could give them and the way our relationship strengthened through the challenges of that time. I can't wait to spend some quality time with my people, including the amazing, funny, fabulous lively little crew (that can drive me bonkers but do keep me going) very soon.

I trust that this foggy sadness will lift because I know from experience that things do change and storms do pass. Inside hiding somewhere in the current fizzled, is a little spark that is excited about the year to come. I will head into next year with the goals of continuing to work on my stuff, trying to be more involved in the community, and getting myself back into study. All of those things do feel possible when I am not so consumed by feelings that I can see will not be forever. 

This forum has meant so much to me and knowing I have a safe landing space and people on my side and in my corner, has been an enormous part of me keeping on keeping on. It's also been some good (great) for me this year 🌈❤

[Zoe7]

Much like you stated yesterday after reading my post I have the same feelings for you today @CheerBear - so very proud of how you have handled so many tricky situations this year and even prouder that you are finding some good in your year and more importantly within yourself  Super proud and super happy for you Hon 

[CheerBear]

Thank you @Zoe7. I feel super happy for and with you when I read your updates lately. You have done so well ❤

I was wondering what you think would be the most significant factor in you getting to where you are? If there is one and if you feel like answering, thinking about it, replying etc. some time.