Lived Experience Forum

[outlander]

Evening sis @Sans911 💜💜💜

[outlander]

Evening @Sans911
How are you? Hows your day been? I think you said you see your psych tomorrow...how are you feeling about that?

💜💜💜

[Sans911]

Evening lil Sis @outlander

I'm not having a great day. SI/SH is the highest it's been in a long time. Emotions are all over the place.

Pyschologist is Friday afternoon. Don't know how I feel about it yet. I've only just started back with her so feels quite strange.

Is your day been any better?

[The-red-centaur]

@Sans911 sorry I haven't spoken to you in a long time or that I didn't reply to this earlier. I hope you're ok.
Please reach out to people if you're struggling with si. I wish you well with psychologist, I always tell myself they can't help me if they can't know.

I really hope you're ok. Please get some sleep. I just got some meds so I'm hoping I'll be asleep soon. So if I don't reply til morning I'm sorry.

[Sans911]

Don't ever be sorry about not responding or lack of communication @The-red-centaur. In these forums it's acceptable as many of us lead complicated, challenging lives. I follow along with yourself and others & I post/respond if and when I can. Most people here understand that they are still thought of often.

Nothing or no one can help my SI anymore. Hospital is more triggering & unhelpful so it's up to me to keep myself safe. And I don't say anything about the intensity of my SI to anyone because what can anyone do? Nothing. What's the point then?

Thanks for stopping by regardless. It's very appreciated. I hope you have a quality night's rest. Take care TRC 👍👍💕💕

[The-red-centaur]

@Sans911 I can relate to not telling many people about my SI.

I know it might not seem like anyone can help but they can be there to just be there and say you're not alone in it.
I don't really know what advice I can give other than I care about you and I'm glad you're here despite the si and your brave to live with it. Much braver than I am. You're stronger than you give yourself credit.

[outlander]

Sorry I missed you last night @Sans911
I had a big day yesterday with the horses. I had 8 to do and 2 paddocks to clean so I didn't stay awake as long as I normally would.
Hearing you on the SI/SH with the emotional rollercoaster happening.

Do you want to talk about whats causing it for you?
Hopefully your psychology session goes ok on Friday. I know its been rough with her and the communication-well lack of- so I hope that trust and connection can be built back up.

[Teej]

Hey @Sans911 👋🏻 

i just read your other post. I think that maybe it’s so much harder to be 'seen' and 'heard' in this day and age. Your post made me think and feel empathy for you. I can’t walk in your shoes because our life experiences are so different. I know today though that something struck me like a lightening bolt in a messed up head way and your post maybe helped explain it. I think most people in real life do struggle to think outside themselves. I had an experience today where I was yelled at and called names and more. The people involved can only see their perspective. I didn’t argue with them but I didn’t give sympathy either. I had plenty of empathy but they couldn’t see it. 

I think that many people who know how to show up and have that consistency of looking like they are in control are way more likely to feel invisible. This doesn’t help you much but I wanted you to know it’s not you. People mostly look at everything through their own lens. They find it so hard to see outside it or through others lenses. At times I’m guilty of this too. I googled feeling invisible before to see what I could find that might be helpful. I realised that it is a really hard one because it’s really about others and not you. How do you get others to see the people who feel invisible to see beyond themselves. Maybe it would be a topic for your psych. Please stay safe tonight. This feeling you are experiencing sucks but it will pass, and come back again.....and pass etc. I have lots of these type of things as well, the ones that cause great si/sh thoughts/urges. 

Sending love and light and hoping you find a way through. 💜🤗

[Sans911]

Haven't heard from you much lately @Teej. I wasn't necessarily looking for responses but thanks regardless for taking the time to read that post and respond.

Being yelled at and called names is just awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Like you describe, I often go through waves of this, and my end response is to shut down through sh. Because I just can't bear a moment more of the screams in my head & the tearing apart of my heart that somehow I don't matter (or my feelings don't matter) to some people. I'm always making sure others are ok first before me. That includes my mother, my neighbour, my connections and even strangers.

What really kicked it off last week was my mh nurse asked me how safe was I really because I was struggling to keep my emotions in check (only around him). I told him I couldn't guarantee my control over that. We talked for a while longer about me feeling comfortable reaching out. And I said it was just too hard. Because I felt invisible. Because I always thought that others needed to be put first. And that while I might have been seen, no one could hear the real me.

This 'invisibility' has been a feature my entire life. I remember feeling it as a toddler. It's so ingrained. I'm just exhausted trying to pretend I'm OK when I'm not - and others fail to see what lies beneath. It's hard to continue like this.

And as for discussing it with my pyschologist? She's done a real number on making me feel as invisible as possible for 3 months, and that my recovery, my ability to function and survive doesn't matter. Because I don't scream and shout like others do.

@Teej 💕💕💕

Hi there @CheerBear ❣️❣️❣️

[Teej]

Argh @Sans911 . I’m so sorry I forgot about the psychologist leaving you up in the air and yes probably treating you as invisible. 

I get the not being loud as well. I was lucky that someone heard my plea but before that I struggled with mh people to feel heard or understood. 

Im really sorry you feel like even those closest to you haven’t tuned into how you really are. I’m glad that your nurse knows how you are feeling. I have been much like you and still am with putting others first. For me it feels like my nature. I get told off from my psych and therapist for it. Today I got :pile_of_poo: on for caring and going beyond what I needed to. It backfired big time. I’m ok although will take meds soon. 

I dont have any answers about it but i have lots of hope that you’ll find that person that really gets you and more importantly hears you. I hope you can articulate some of this tomorrow with your psych. It would be interesting to hear her reaction. 

My time has come to close off for the night. You deserve to be heard and understood and to be put first at times by others and by you.