Hey there @john74 🌺
Im really sorry to hear about what’s happening - it’s really difficult to manage these kind of situations because they are confusing, painful and overwhelming …
I can understand coming out of a long relationship and getting divorced after DV in late 2022, and consequently having no contact with family - a very similar situation occurred to me in 2015 where I left a marriage after some pretty awful long terms stuff, which made me lose my entire identity while I was so downtrodden for so long (17+ years) by someone I was devoted to.
afterwards, I realised that I was so vulnerable because there was a kind of person who was like a predator: men I came in contact with seemed to see the vulnerability and naïveté and told me they cared, but as soon as they could see I was allowing them a little bit more into my life, they would do harm for their own advantage. Very manipulative, cruel, and abusive harms.
Reluctantly, I realised there’s an entire world of existence where predation occurs for pure advantage, where some people use mechanisms to get to know people like us in our vulnerable states and times, and use that for their own gain. Unwittingly, I had been abused by these types of people, as it seems you have here in this situation.
I believe the people that do this kind of thing are desperate people; they have significant multiple issues that cause them to do almost anything to cope with their own situation, and we are effectively collateral damage - in light of this, please, do not take it personally: this woman is showing signs of not understanding herself or her needs or her goals very well at all imho, so it’s best you do what you can to extract yourself from the situation as quickly and as easily as possible.
First things I did:
* found a place to store my belongings (furniture, appliances, etc)
* packed light, kept everything I needed in my car, and slept in it far away from where I could be tracked down, and showered at truck stops, washing my clothes by hand and drying them in the car
* looked daily for a place to live, actively submitted applications for rentals via the internet on my phone in the car
* advised all of my billers (phone bill, other payments, etc) that I was essentially homeless and can they pause payment requirements till I find a fixed address.
* approached food charities and places where food was served so I could eat at least once a day (I didn’t have an income or benefits at this time so I was completely financially isolated)
* asked police to help me retrieve remaining property I didn’t have access to remove when I left (they refused to help me so that took a long time to finally get help to get the remainder of my personal essential medical equipment from the house - be aware that authorities don’t always respond well to victims of DV, and can easily victim blame, while being drawn into the manipulations of the person who is taking steps to control and manipulate you)
* take note of important dates and events, changes in relationship dynamics, and what you plan to do as a result of what is happening.
The time for dealing with the pain is not now, I’m very sorry to say. Even though you’re at your most distressed, you must focus on your health and wellbeing by removing yourself from this situation in whatever way you can (the reason I mention some of what I did was to hopefully inspire ideas on how to get out).
The person you have moved in with is demonstrating emotionally volatile and unpredictable behaviour, which is not at all the kind of reliable, caring foundation to build any kind of long term future on. Despite loving this person, you must place yourself and your emotional and environmental safety FIRST, and remove yourself.
The best opportunity is to start this process while she is away camping.
I know it sounds sensible to try to discuss where things went wrong, and to try to reasonably resolve things so they can return to a semblance of normal, but I do have to inform you of the great lack of confidence I have in that process with this person, because they have already demonstrated a lack of respect and care for you which is beyond what can be repaired (tumultuous pain dished out with such ease means it will only get worse as time moves on).
To save more hurt, I feel the best thing to do in this situation is to leave, and leave as quickly as possible.
im sorry to be so stark in my comments, however I have seen this happen to me and to other people who are vulnerable after long term abuse and consequent relationship breakdown, where predation occurs by people who have significant self-serving needs and are volatile in their interactions.
If a person is sending you messages telling you it’s over, they don’t have anything anywhere near affection for you - best thing is to move out of that sphere of influence, and once you’re away and safe, then work on processing the pain of what’s happened.
Also, if they have access to any important documents (especially anything that demonstrates ownsership), bank accounts, sentimentally valuable things, or other items of value, do your utmost immediately to secure them.
I tend to think of people who do what is happening to you as unwitting or unaware scammers, yet to develop their awareness of what they are doing as making their lives easier by feeding off of vulnerability. Later, the tendency seems to only get worse as they move into realisation that this kind of behaviour works for them, and they move from person to person, doing what they do.
Take care. Start packing.
🦩🌺
