Self-Sabotage

[WretchedKid]

I hope it's not weird to post this. About two weeks ago, I took a single-day course and noticed a cute person there signalling interest. It was the first time I've felt mutual attraction and safe in the interaction, but we didn't talk. I think they were testing the waters, and even though I kept thinking of how I could positively respond, I ultimately didn't act. My mind kept rationalising based on former negative experiences about "being too much" or "not enough" why I had to be careful. This person was trying to set up a way to approach me, but I ended up leaving early to catch a bus urgently (a bad habit of anxiety I have) and lost my chance in the process. It's rare I feel that way about someone and it's worse when this person is the most attractive all-round impression I've come across. As I left, they looked really disappointed which makes it hurt more. I've been severely depressed since because I don't feel confident I'll have another attraction like that again. I've waited so many years to feel seen like that, to feel like someone wanted to know me, and I feel like I betrayed myself. I have a lot of self-hatred and deep regret. I don't know what to think anymore and I'd appreciate some perspective or advice on how to cope with the loss of an opportunity like that.

[Nala2022]

Hi @WretchedKid, welcome to the forums. I’m really glad you shared this, it doesn’t sound weird at all.

What you experienced sounds meaningful, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve felt that kind of mutual connection and safety with someone.

It makes a lot of sense that your anxiety stepped in, especially if you’ve had past experiences where you’ve felt “too much” or “not enough.” That kind of self-protection can be really strong in the moment, even when another part of you wants to act differently. It doesn’t mean you betrayed yourself, it means you were trying to keep yourself safe in a way your mind has learned over time.

I can hear how much regret and self-blame you’re holding, and that sounds really heavy. But the fact that you were able to feel that attraction, and notice it, says something important, that part of you is still very much there.

If it feels okay, you might gently reflect on what you did notice and feel in that moment, rather than just what didn’t happen. Sometimes those experiences can still be a step forward, even if they don’t turn out how we hoped.

You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s okay to take your time with it ⭐

[MatchaToad]

Hey @WretchedKid 

Thank you so much for opening up and sharing this with the community. Please know it isn't "weird" to post this at all. Many of us here have experienced that exact moment where our brain's protection mode accidentally locks us out of an opportunity we actually really wanted 💚

That urge you felt to leave early or stay quiet sounds like your brain was using old survival tools to keep you safe from the "too much/not enough" fears you've carried. It's really hard to switch those off in a single afternoon. Instead of seeing it as a failure of character, try to see it as a nervous system that was simply trying to protect you from perceived harm, even if it was overzealous at the time.

While it hurts that the interaction didn't go any further, there is actually a very positive piece of data here: you were seen. You experienced mutual attraction and felt safe in the energy. That feeling is proof that you are approachable, attractive, and capable of sparking others' interest. The fact that it happened once is evidence that it can, and likely will, happen again.

It is okay to be sad about the lost opportunity, but try not to let the "disappointed look" they gave you become a permanent mark against you. If anything, their disappointment confirms that your instinct was right; they were interested. You didn't imagine it. That is a powerful thing to know about yourself!

Be gentle with yourself over the next few days. When the self-hatred flares up, try to remind yourself, "I am learning how to handle connection, and it's okay that I'm not perfect at it yet." Opportunities for connection are kinda like buses or trains, even if you feel like you missed the "perfect" one, the route is still open, and another one will eventually come along.

How are you feeling today compared to when it first happened? 💚

[WretchedKid]

Thanks for the reply, @Nala2022.

By reflecting on what I noticed and felt in that moment, what do you mean, for example?

I’m often confused when people say it was a good thing I could notice attraction like that. I always thought it would be obvious or easy? Am I wrong somehow?

[WretchedKid]

Thanks for the reply, @MatchaToad. Not gonna lie, I’ve seen you active in other threads and I feel honoured, haha.

It really helps to know I’m not the only one who made this mistake. I just beat myself up over it because I’ve done so much healing and I was almost there… Just a little more courage was all I needed. I don’t know if it makes sense, but almost acting hurts more than being totally afraid and not trying at all.

I like how you framed it with the analogy. Right now is hard. I have poor appetite and it plagues me from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. I feel like I’m slowly moving on, but the pain/regret rears its ugly head in waves throughout the day. I just hope I’ll find peace again soon.

[MatchaToad]

@WretchedKid 

I am glad the analogy helped a little bit, though I am sorry to hear how much of a physical toll this is taking on you right now. Also, thank you for your kind words 💚

You mentioned feeling frustrated because you've done so much healing and felt "almost here." I think it's important to remember that healing isn't a final destination where we become immune to fear; it's a process of getting better at navigating it. The fact that you were "almost there" is actually a massive sign of progress. A year ago, or two years ago, would you even have recognised the "signals" or felt that internal pull to respond? The "almost" is proof that you are closer to that breakthrough than you've ever been.

When that regret rears its head, try not to fight it. It's like a physical wave; if you dive into it, it passes over you faster than if you try to stand stiffly against it. And when your appetite is low due to stress, don't worry about "proper" meals. Sometimes, just a piece of fruit, a smoothie, or even just staying hydrated is a win. Your body is processing a lot of emotional adrenaline right now, and it needs a big of grace.

Be patient with yourself. You haven't lost progress. Peace usually doesn't return all at once; it comes back in little moments of quiet that get longer and longer each day.

What is one thing you can do for yourself today that feels like "kindness" rather than "punishment"? 💚

[WretchedKid]

Thanks, @MatchaToad - you give great analogies!

You're right. Once upon a time, I would've run away without a second thought, so I know I've grown a lot.

I honestly am not sure. Think I'm so stuck in regret and self-blame that nothing feels kind right now. I'm getting less enjoyment from things that would usually make me happy. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, I guess, even if I don't feel at peace yet.

Thanks for showing concern.

[Nala2022]

That’s a really good question, and I’m glad you asked @WretchedKid 

When I mentioned reflecting on what you noticed and felt, I meant things like, what was it about that moment that felt safe or different for you? Was it the way they looked at you, the energy between you, or how you felt in yourself? Sometimes noticing those details can help you understand what connection feels like for you, rather than focusing only on what didn’t happen.

And you’re not wrong at all, attraction can feel easy or obvious for some people, but for others (especially if anxiety or past experiences are involved), it can feel unfamiliar or even a bit confusing. So, the fact that you recognised it, and that it felt mutual and safe, is actually really meaningful. It shows that part of you is open to connection, even if it didn’t play out how you hoped this time.

There’s nothing “wrong” with you here, this sounds like a human moment that just didn’t go the way you wanted, and it’s okay that it’s sitting with you.

How are you feeling today?

[MatchaToad]

@WretchedKid 

That realisation is huge. If "past you" would have bolted without a second thought, but "current you" had stayed long enough to feel the pull of connection, that would be massive growth. You're essentially retraining your brain in real-time, and that is very hard work you're doing 💚

It makes a lot of sense that nothing feels "kind" or "enjoyable" right now. When we are stuck in a self-blame loop, our brain often shuts down the joy centres to focus on what it perceives as a "threat" (regret). Please don't feel like you're failing at self-care because you aren't enjoying your usual hobbies.

If kindness feels too out of reach, maybe we can just aim for neutrality. This can just be taking things one day at a time, and if you can't find joy in things, just aim for comfort 💚

[WretchedKid]

Thanks for your reply, @Nala2022 !

That clarification really helps. These things you and a friend of mine had said to me are making me realise that connection is different for everyone. Big surprise, I guess, but I think I assumed it looked the same for everyone until now. Now, I think it's clicking why everyone says it's a strength I could recognise my own needs in the moment.

You're also right about the unfamiliar/confusing experience. That links back to my earlier assumptions; I was probably having a "freeze" moment subconsciously without noticing it.

Also, thank you so much for reassuring me how human this is.

I was a bit all over the place yesterday, hence the delay. Highs and lows. Today is a challenge too, but at least now I am trying to eat better and slowly get back into rhythm. I appreciate your care and support. 🙂