Strategy to Handle Family Enmeshment

[Catlady1979]

Hi Everyone,

It looks like it's gonna be another late night but here I go...

If you refer back to my post "Breaking Point" you will know that I've spoken about a close family member who I have a somewhat turbulent relationship with.

Well this same family member also calls me every day, usually multiple times a day and sends multiple texts which ends up being annoying and draining at best and distressing at worst.

I've spoken to this person on and off about reducing the amount of contact we have, and on at least one occasion I even lost my cool with them over yet nothing has changed.

I'm thinking they're either a little thick and don't fully understand my boundaries or they're a self-centred and entitled person who only cares about their own needs and to buggery with anyone else.

So this is my new plan to combat the excessive contact and enmeshment issue.

🔴I will answer one call per day starting from now and not answer any subsequent calls - I will say something like "I enjoyed our chat today and I look forward to chatting tomorrow" then wish them a good day.

🟠 I will only respond twice to their text messages unless it's necessary to respond more than twice.

🟡 If they continue to overdo the calls and texts I will ask them three times (max) to stop calling and texting excessively.

🟢 If they continue to engage in and annoy me by making excessive contact after I've asked them to stop three times times (max) then I will block their number for 2 weeks and they'll only be limited to emails.

🔵If they continue to engage in making excessive contact after the 2 week block period then they'll be blocked again for 4 weeks and only be limited to emails for that time.

🟣 If they continue to engage in making excessive contact after that 4 week block period they will be blocked indefinitely and only be limited to emails permanently.

Here's what I'm already doing.

🟥 I'm putting my phone on "Do not disturb" at certain times of the day which has been working but starting from now I'll be a little stricter in terms of specific times.

🟧 I'm not answering as many of the texts.

🟨 I'm learning to let some calls go through without answering them.

🟩 I'm learning to handle things in a calmer way rather than getting upset all the time - Slowly but surely.

As much as I love this family, they are too enmeshed in my life, it's an unhealthy pattern I need to break and quite frankly I need to prioritise my mental and protect my time and peace - I need to take back some power and control over my life.

[tyme]

Good morning @Catlady1979 ,

Thank you for sharing what’s been going on for you. I can see you’ve taken a lot of time to consider your own well-being and put these boundaries in place. Good on you!

I totally acknowledge and recognise that you care a lot about family and hence you are taking this stance. Have you communicated this plan to them? I’m just thinking from my own experiences that sometimes the other party can be confused about our actions if they don’t know the plan or why we are behaving the way we are.

All the best with it! Hope to can do something nice for yourself today!

[Catlady1979]

@tyme

I plan on communicating this to them as it happens - Meaning I'll speak to them while they're actually engaging in the undesirable behaviour.

Communicating with them when they're not engaging in that behaviour isn't a good idea as they have a tendency to get super sensitive and easily upset or angered - It's best to stay safe and not poke the bear unnecessarily so to speak.

In past I have communicated my boundaries to them and it hasn't worked so I'm now at the point where I have to keep telling them and taking the actions I've described in my initial post - For example, I asked them to stop sending further YouTube but they continued to do so.

It's all well and good to try and set healthier boundaries but without consequences they won't work with someone who either isn't getting the message or has absolutely no regard for me or my boundaries - So now consequences will now be implemented along with the boundaries.

The two and four week period where they'll be blocked from calling/texting and just being limited to emails are the two chances they get to rectify their behaviour - As they say give someone a second chance but never a third.

If they don't rectify their behaviour after the four week block period, they will be limited to emails only and hopefully they'll learn not to do this with anyone else.

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Catlady1979 

I just wanted to say again that I'm proud of you for setting these boundaries as it's a really hard thing to do, especially when the other party will continue to push and push back against them. Unfortunately that's often the way it goes when we finally do set boundaries with someone who has really benefited from there not being any.

I think the actions that you're taking are really great examples of boundaries as well, as it's all centered around your own actions and responses. Sometimes the conversation around boundaries can get a bit muddled when we try to impose new behaviours on another person, like saying "Only call me once per day" which is a request rather than a boundary, VS you setting the boundary of intentionally only answering one call per day. This acknowledges that maybe you can't make them change their behaviour but you can change your own and hopefully with consistency the family member will realise that any additional calls are pointless and won't be answered.

This stuff can be tricky but it sounds like you're doing a good job!

[Catlady1979]

@Ru-bee

Yes, setting boundaries are tricky particularly with people who have always taken advantage of and benefited from me not having healthy boundaries in place for a very long time.

I've known for a long time that something really needed to be done about it as I had recognise that amount of contact this family member and I were having was not only excessive but also very unhealthy and could potentially create a more codependent bond that I really don't want with this person or anyone else.

I'm aiming to stick to answering one call per day and only answering a few texts here and there - Hopefully this will work without me having to take any further action but if not I'll take the actions I described in my initial post.

In addition to reducing the phone calls and texts, I will also aim to cut the visits from weekly to fortnightly as I can't justify visiting someone on a weekly basis when I don't have the best relationship with them.

[Catlady1979]

@tyme @Ru-bee

Yesterday I stuck to the one call a day boundary and as expected it didn't go down very well.

There was a heated discussion vis text with them making all sorts of accusations, minor threats, trying all kinds of manipulation tactics and threatening to end our familial relationship, etc.

I kept my cool and I was kind, gentle but also very firm in my responses.

I made the following points...

🔴 I made it very clear that this particular boundary was going to stand whether they like it or not.

🟠 I made it very clear that this particular was not designed to make them feel unwanted and reject but rather to protect my space, time and peace.

🟡 I made it very clear that the boundary was being put in place to empower me and to give me more freedom of choice of choice to decide how accessible and available I want to be to other people.

🟢 I made it very clear that healthy relationships often do have healthy boundaries.

🔵 I made it very clear that the current relationship dynamics have caused distress to me and that I don't want this anymore.

🟣 I have made it clear that reduced contact could actually make the relationship healthier with less conflict.

🟤 I made it clear that they could either fall into line or fall away, and that it was their choice either way.

They didn't like the "fall into line or fall away" phrase and admittedly while it wasn't the greatest phrase to use, they only have two choices at the end of the day.

I've told them that I'm open to one phone call and a few texts each day which is a realistic and reasonable boundary - At this stage, they're unhappy with these conditions.

Just because they're family, it doesn't entitle them to have more of my space, time, attention and availability than anything or anyone else in my life nor does it entitle them to unlimited access to me.

The bottom line is that I will always choose my health (particularly my mental health) over any relationship, job or anything else.

I am choosing me this time!!

[tyme]

Hey @Catlady1979 ,

How are you? I'm thinking of you and hope the boundary-setting has been okay.

[Catlady1979]

@tyme

This family member has been pushing back quite heavily over the last few days. They were angry and upset, and I think they were hurt as well.

They kept going on about how they couldn't understand why boundaries were needed when you love and care about someone - I explained as best I could that healthy relationships usually have healthy boundaries.

They then brought up my father's family who were around each other almost all the time and they would call each other all the time which this particular family member thought was excessive, they kept telling me that they're not like those people and they were more enmeshed and they said that they never come to my home, etc.

I explained that I have never said or implied to anyone that they come to my home, and I also agreed with them regarding my father's family who were at times in each other's lives in ways that wasn't always appropriate or healthy.

They acknowledged that they understood why my father broke away from his family particularly when he got a girlfriend (who is actually his second wife) etc

My father kept his distance and wasn't in touch with anyone including myself for a very long time - My late grandmother didn't get to see or speak to him before she passed away which he has expressed regret over.

My father and I are back in touch, and according to him I'm the only family member he has any contact with now, prior to getting back in touch with me he was in touch with an uncle who has since passed away.

I told this family that I respect my father in some ways for stepping out to live his life the way he wants rather than live it the way they wanted him to but he took it too far (I was referring to his relationship with me when I said that last part)

With that said, I also don't know what drove my father to take it as far as he did.

This family member also agreed that multiple calls would at times be irritating yet still continued to be very angry and upset with me, and even going as far to say they're done with the relationship, etc.

I also admitted that the multiple calls a day nearly every day had at times caused me distressed to the point where I'd seriously considered getting a disability and/or mental health advocate to assist by speaking on my behalf because every time I've tried to say anything about this issue directly to them nothing changes - They were still giving me a hard time about this boundary.

In the end I stood my ground and kept reiterating that this one call and a few texts a day boundary is going to stand whether they like it or not.

Yesterday afternoon they did call but they pressed the video call button by mistake and it didn't work so I declined the video call and called them back (it was only one call) and they were reasonably friendly during this call.

I will continue to stick strictly to this boundary with this person, I know if I let my guard down and relax it any any point they'll definitely take advantage of it and I'll have no end of problems with them - This is not something I want.

It's only early days and the tension isn't 100% over yet.

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @Catlady1979 .

That idea about loving and caring for someone means you don't need boundaries is really... um... questionable?

I've noticed that the healthiest relationships are those WITH boundaries where all parties respect those boundaries. e.g. if one person knows the other gets upset by something, then respect that and vice versa.

I'm glad you are staying strong. 

I recognise the tension is only beginning. However, over time, I hope they will understand the need for boundaries.

[Catlady1979]

@tyme 

It was horrible a few days ago but it is slowly getting better now.

This family member is starting to do better at respecting the one call and a few texts a day boundary.

There were two phone calls yesterday but that's because there's another family member who needs a lot of support at the moment - In the event of an emergency or another situation where someone genuinely needs support more than on call is fine but today it'll go back to one call again.

This family member has gone from flatly refusing to respect this boundary and potentially cutting off the relationship to now respecting the boundary and continuing the relationship.

I'm not sure if someone has spoken with them or they've done some reflective thinking and have now come to this conclusion, either way it doesn't matter because the boundary is working at this stage and I'm hoping it continues to work.