Isolation?

[kato]

Hello Everyone,

Ok, so i was pondering this thought earlier today, which started getting me down so i went for a drive to clear my head, now this usually works, i get in my car drive around aimlessly on my own for anywhere up to 3 hours, however today, no such luck at clearing my head..... i drove for about an hour and a half.

So the thought has persisted with me, and i know that many of us here on thee forum expierence it also, as i have seen it mentioned here and there in other's posts.

Oh the thought was Why have i isolated myself? and why have my "friends" allowed me to isolate myself?

Very tricky questions the both of them, now i think i know thee answer to the first one because for me, with everything that happened, i kinda was ashamed of what i put my partner through at the time, now ex partner, and the lingering thoughts that my friends, wouldn't accept me because of it, and therefore i am not worth their time, Now i know this is some falsehood due to the fact when i have made a concerted effort to actually organise to catch up with a couple of them it has been fine, but yet i still find myself drawing deeper away from those i once would have no issues contacting. Is that the same for others?

Now the second part of the question is one i am really have issues with, after everything that i have been through, only one friend has made an effort to keep in touch with me, and to organise stuff around us catching up together, granted it is not ideal, we tend to drink a fair bit, as it is when we catch up - old habits die hard lol,, yet i find myself wondering why the many other friends i know haven't contacted me, haven't tried to either, and i find myself everytime i think of sending a message or calling, convincing myself they don't want to know me otherwise they would have contacted me already, does that make sense?

I hope someone can help shed some more insight into this for me, if their is any more insight or alternative viewpoints?

Thank you

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @kato,
Depends largely on what is stopping you from reaching out..
Sometimes we don't reach out because old friendships may not be helpful for our mental health..I am wondering if this might resonate with you? Some of your past posts have talked about the drinking and other recreational activities as being not helpful for your health..so if some of your friends are the same ones you used to regularly party with, then it is probably wise to hold back from contact. They may not be interested in building friendships not based in partying.
On the other hand, sometimes when people break up from long term relationships, friendships do fall away as oeooke find it very difficult to maintain friendships without feeling like they are torn between loyalties. It is not much fun but it happens all the time.
Then there are the friends we gave known for all of our lives and we may have alienated them with our behaviours when unwell. Or it might be our own self stigma that we feel we can't be good friends because of the way we are..
The good news us, much if this is just our feelings and not our actions.. So reach out to one of your friends and ask to meet up for a walk or to go for a meal, a coffee a movie.. You might need to reach out to several before one says yes and that's OK..
In grow, we have a wisdom, "To have a friend, be a friend". So ring, txt, write and check in with how some of your friends are going..
Hope this makes sense, I am a firm believer in " Friendship is the special key to mental health "

Hugs NATO, great topic!

[Samara]

Hello.  I am new to this forum.  I can relate to your post.  All through my life I was the one who kept in touch with people.   I was interested in being friends so i would call and try to make plans to see them.  I rarely ever got calls which made me feel like i was desparate for the friendship. Many years later i tested my theory of not calling and waiting to see how long would it take for this person to call me or email me... something.  Well two years has gone by and I haven't received any contact.  It makes me sad as I have known this person for over 30 years.  Unfortuneatly it was me keeping the relationship going this whole time.  I knew in my heart that if i didn't make contact the realationship would die.  I stopped calling/writing and it pretty much has died. 

Your not alone with how you feel and unfortuneatly i have no answers for you.  I spend most of my time alone.  I try to focus on what i want to do with my life and i try not to think about my lack of friends.  I do have one friend that keeps in touch with me and she feels the same also.  So many fake people in the world.  They aren't real friends to each other either. 

[CherryBomb]

This is an experience that I think many (well, I certainly) can relate to, @kato.

@Alessandra1992 and @Samara both raise some very interesting points. I agree that there are different reasons why friends come and ago. Sometime it's because of break-up and loyalites, other times, it's an uneven friendship.

In my own experience, with one of my closest friends we've gone through periods where either one of us has felt like the other has tried more than the other to maintain the friendship. When one of us is MIA, it's not because we don't care about the other, but because we're sorting out our own stuff.  In the past, it's been really tough. But over the years through open and honest communication (sometimes after we hadn't spoken for months or even up to a year), we learned a lot about each other, so we don't the other person's absence personally anymore. That said, it's because I now have a clear understanding of the reasons why my friend withdraws sometimes. But she also communicates it better with me, and vice versa.

CB

[GothMum]

Yes, Samara, same here. Having had a diagnosis of Asperger's has helped me understand some of my stuff, but there's also MI issues for me, and I often feel isolated; have even tried being a "different " person to make friends with 'ordinary ' women, but had to make up entire scenarios to feel like I was keeping up. Of course these have come back (some years later) to haunt me... And ultimately I had nothing in common with them, nor was I actually interested in their topics (hair, makeup, tuck shop duty, television celebrities... I'm sure these have their place, but for me ultimately not enough to feel part of the circle...)

[Former-Member]

Hi @kato

I think i both isolate myself but also have found the same thing with other people who i always have to contact rather than them seeking to continue the relationship equally. But this is also because i've moved alot, and long distances. And while i would be happy to have the occasional phone call to maintain a friendship it seems a lot of people I'd thought were close friends in the past it was over as soon as i wasnt physically 'in' their lives anymore. But i find it incredibly hard to make new friendships/relationships as well.

Hmm not sure if that is helpful at all... Sorry! 

LJ

[joy]

Hi,

I'm responding to your post about 'isolation'.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression & I have been through alot, as we all have, I'm sure.

The condition I find isolating in itself. I have had a group of friends I have hung around with, but, only one remains & half the time I feel she only keeps in contact just to make sure I am keeping on track not out of friendship like it used to be. The other friends have fallen by the wayside, even though I was encouraged to contact another friend by my psychologist which I did.

Honestly, I feel that I am being punished in some way for falling ill. I mean, I didn't fall ill on purpose & it has been a challenge to start rebuilding my life & continues to be, but, the one friend I have left, said to me last " you know, we all go through hard times on occasion" I said to her " I understand that, but having being diagnosed with any form of mental illness is not a casual walk in the park, especially losing a majority of my long term friends along the way, where isolation is extremely detrimental to my long term Recovery.

I wouldn't wish being diagnosed with mental illness on anyone, as I lost my two older sons as they don't want to know anymore.

I have made new friends now, but, I miss what I had with my old friends.

[kato]

@joy

Hi joy, I can totally understand that feeling of feeling like friends have fallen by the wayside, i have tried contacting my old friends, but seem to be hitting the wall of non commital back, however in keeping in touch with the one friend who has stayed around, i seem to be slowly, maybe getting back in touch through him with my other friends, i have been invited to go to the footy in a couple of weeks......

It does feel like punishment, for being ill, and i know of people who don't "get" the hardness of travelling on the road of recovery from mi, it is in my opinion really quite difficult

Thank you for sharing your expierence, it helps me to see that it is not just me, or i'm making it up in my head.

[PeppiPatty]

Hey sandygirl and ,

Love last sentence first paragraph in your answer Sandy.

And when you write......'not interested in building relationships without addiction based activities.
Um, @Allexandra1992...... nATO? Have I missed something are you and joining a European club or something? Ilol. Lol.



It feels a little like is grieving all that mess......do you agree?
It would be good if you just take your time ..........
What does others think?

[Linmerc]

Hi Kato

In relation to your friends falling by the wayside, please do not resent them for not understanding about MI, for I am trying my hardest to understand and I still don't understand. It is very complex as everyone is affected differently.

People will drift in and out of your life, some will stay longer than others, some will come for a reason or purpose, treat them all as a part of becoming who you are. They will all share something with you to expand who you are, whether it be a different view or opinion.

I am glad you have been invited to the footy, maybe you will meet some new friends.

Do not feel punished for having a MI it's not your fault, I'm sure you do not want to be ill as the road to recovery is extremely difficult.

Friends that matter, don't mind and those that mind, don't matter.

Stay strong.