Living with PTSD (Potentially Triggering Material)

[Shaz51]

Hugs @Former-Member 

they are all understandable emotions you have shown in your message above , it does make it hard , i do understand xxx

as mr shaz has cancelled all his help as one of the  psych blamed me for his continuing MI

keep your  psych appointment i am thinking as christmas times is a crazy time of the year

hope she comes back ready to help, encourage and support you my darling friend xx

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

It makes sense, and I think it is good that you are going, but use it to make up your mind more fully.  There are lots of reasons including general Christmas Craziness and a family crisis of her own.  I once went to a play therapy session with my daughter and there was screaming and carry on at the back of the house.  You never really know what is going on.

Often the most therapuetic thing is our own actions and responses. That you showed up for yourself during all the therapy ... rather than the therapist.  That is your inner work that holds true apart from the particular therapuetic relationship.

I began in therapy well before the internet, so was used to is not being an option.  I had one therapist suggest I email, but her responses were terse. I have emailed 2 others, and felt it helpful sometimes to make the contact in the heat of what was going on.  Mostly the responses are minimal, so I do not rely on email mode.

I get tho, if the only person you feel had your back had changed, that it would feel like a deep betrayal.  Take Care of You.  You matter in many ways

[Former-Member]

Okay @Zoe7  I'm back to complete my response to your recent posts.

So besides what has been going on with my psych situation, I have also had a few other issues simmering along.

Although the fire situation here is considerably improved to what it was in November, we do still have a number of active fires nearby. Thankfully none at Emergency Level now, but that could change.  As of right now, we have 4 Advice Level fires within 10kms of us.  And another 13 within a 50km radius of us.  One of those is a very large fire in forest which has already burned over 150,000 hectares of bushland.  Contained, but not under control.  And with bad weather conditions we have spot fires breaking out from time to time.  We had a number of those on the weekend when it was so hot and windy.  I saw several huge plumes of smoke during the weekend, and upon checking my RFS website, discovered new fires.  All weekend we had a constant barrage of fire fighting and water bombing aircraft flying overhead. I find myself constantly checking the RFS website for fires near me. All this is a constant reminder that this still has a long way to go.  There are still displaced and homeless people around here, businesses closing down, locals mourning the loss of 3 locals who died in the fires.  And we have severe water shortages here too, which is also affecting many businesses (hotels, motels, car washes, etc).  So it's hard for everyone.

My brother is a captain of his local volunteer bush fire brigade and he has been manning a crew to one of the major fires around Batlow and Tumut.  It ends up being a long day for them, as it's a long drive just to get there. Then they've got a long shift to do, before heading home again.  I worry about him, because I fear he's accident prone.  If something is going to happen, it will happen to him. The freak car accident which killed his daughter is a case in point. And there have been other things throughout his life too. There have been some awful freak things happen during these fires to our volunteer fire fighters, causing their deaths. So when I know he is out there, I dread a phone call.

He is also quite upset right now that it is looking like they will be knocked back for a fostering role.  This is something he has been really looking forward to, so he is really feeling it right now.  The issue is that his eldest son has a criminal record from when he went off the rails with drugs. And he remains a member of the household. So that's really disappointing for them all.  As I said to him, perhaps when ??? leaves home, you can try again.  His eldest son will turn 21 next month, so I guess that's always a possibility.

My Dad has come through the worst with his foot infection and they have managed to salvage his toe/foot. He no longer has to see his nurse and GP 3 times a week.  So that's great, but unfortunately he has had two falls over the past week.  He refuses to use a walker, insisting that they are dangerous and he will stick with his walking stick.  Stubborn old bugger!  Anyway his latest fall was 2 days ago and he skinned his shin when he fell going out to his mail box.  Being on blood thinners he needs to be very careful.  And today he tells me that his toe has 'broken out' again.  That is very disappointing because it had come along well.  Anyway he now has a Dr appointment tomorrow.  I phone him every day, and to me, he is sounding more and more frail.  Little I can do of course.  He is lonely and misses Mum. I totally understand that, they were together for 62 years.  I miss her too, every single day. It will be 6 months since she died in a week's time. Time flies.  I wish I could visit Dad and my brother again soon, but that's looking very unlikely right now.

My father in law over in WA continues to go downhill with his health since we were visiting over there in October.  He is basically bedridden now and is ready to die so he keeps telling us. He remains in the nursing home which has been his home now for about 5 years.  My brother in law who had the fall way back in September remains in hospital.  There is no talk of releasing him.  His kidneys have kicked in to some extent, but not fully, and he still has dialysis.  Unfortunately he remains immobile.  Despite extensive physiotherapy, he remains bedridden. He is unable to transfer from bed to wheelchair on his own at this stage.  I don't know how much longer they can keep him in hospital before eventually sending him to a nursing home or something. It's been over 3 months now since he was admitted. He is a disability support pensioner (DSP) because of his Bipolar,  so perhaps that enables him to stay in hospital indefinitely?  I don't know.  We have booked flights to return to WA in March because we have a niece who will be getting married then.  So it's a good opportunity to see hubby's Dad and Brother again.  Although I have to say I'm not looking forward to the travelling again.  Its just so hard with everything related to hubbys meds and mobility concerns.

Speaking of hubby, he started on another new medication a few weeks ago.  A medication that his neurologist is trialling him on to see if it helps with his AI encephalitis symptoms. Unfortunately one of the listed side effects of this medication is increased irritability and aggression.  Sigh ... yep .. got that.  Another side effect is likely to be increased shakiness and unsteadiness.  I've seen signs of that too, so we have had to increase his Parkinson's medication to counteract that.  His drinking has increased .. a lot.  And it does not mix well with any of his many medications. It all seems like a constant battle just to get through each day unscathed.

Then there is the leap year thing ... that old 29 Feb thing.  I used to love leap years .. because they also happens to coincide with Olympic Games.  Being a sports lover, it should be a year to look forward to.  Now ... I just don't want to be here, come end of Feb.  If I'm this bad now .. I hate to think what I will be like by then. How am I going to get through that without my usual psych?  I just know she doesn't want to see me any more.  I cannot start seeing another psych, it would be too much to start all over again with another.  Can't do it.  She is the first person I ever told about what happened. The only person who knows the full story.

So yeah, there is a bit happening.  But isn't it the same for everyone?  Am I the only one who cannot cope with a few stressful situations that most people are able to just breeze through with barely a missed step?

Zoe I cannot believe all those lovely things you say about me.  They just dont fit with how I see myself.  I'm not sure its all to do with a temporary lack of confidence or self esteem.  I think its more than that.  But I do so much appreciate your words, for being there for me and for at least trying to get through a seemingly inpenatrative layer of numbness and sadness that I currently feel.

Anyway, I will see my psych next Wednesday. I need to sort some things out with her.

@Maggie  ... thanks for the (bear) hug.  And yes it did bring comfort to me.

@CheerBear  ... as always your quiet presence is appreciated.  Thanks for dropping my.

The always present and caring @Shaz51  .. thank you my friend for always keeping me in mind.  I too hope that I am wrong about my psych and that she has given up on me.  Honestly ... I need her.  Maybe thats the problem ... in that she thinks I depend on her too much? 

@Owlunar  ... I am so sorry to hear that you also have sad or traumatic memories around leap years.  I cannot even imagine how awful  all that would have been for you.  You also said some incredibly kind things there in your post to me ... thank you from my sad and broken heart.  It does make me feel just a tad less stupid and useless. Although I have never seen myself as a leader (of anyone or thing), I do know that I am not a follower either.  I never have been. Fact is, I dont really know where I fit into the whole big scheme of things.

Thanks @Appleblossom  ... I'm sorry but I dont understand the comment "Yes trauma intrusions tend to cascade ... something to do with hormones". Hormones?  I agree that email is not an ideal medium in which to talk properly.  I have tended to use it as a preliminary thing only.  Just to let my psych know I have a problem.  She will then usually email me back with an appointment time if needed.  During my trauma therapy, when she knew I was in trouble, she would then phone me to talk me through.

I think I also saw @Peri  @outlander  and @Gazza75  around with support buttons.  Thanks so much to all of you.

Sherry 💕💕

[outlander]

@Former-Member 💕

[outlander]

Im sorry im abit short on words atm @Former-Member but im sitting with you and offerring hugs 💕

[Zoe7]

Hey @Former-Member Just acknowledging I have read both posts but will need to reply later.

Sending you hugs and love in the meantime Hon 

[Appleblossom]

Dont take it the wrong way @Former-Member Generalising. You have had a lot more detailed trauma work than I ever have.  I am only starting to get relevant proper attention for any of the many traumas I have experienced in the last year. It is far too little too late for me. As inadequately understood traumas also accumulate. I am only learning to tell who I can trust. 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Former-Member 

There is a hell of a lot you have been dealing with Hon. Every aspect of your life has been challenging for a long time - there is no wonder you have been feeling as you are - that is so much on your plate.

I fully understand the apprehension with your psych and how very let down you feel. When we have had someone in our lives that has been so supportive for so long and also knows just about everything about us then when that is absent it not only feels like you have been abandoned but the trust we have had in that person diminishes as well. I do really feel for you with all this because it has come at a time that you so very much needed that support. Whilst we cannot know what is going on for the other person (and if there are very real reasons while the communication has not been present or timely) I certainly would be feeling the same as you with regards to the delay in emailing you - especially considering you knwo she was working right up until Christmas. That would make me feel that I did not matter and that I had been abandoned as well ....so very, very hard Hon.

I also hear your worry about your brother with the fires - as well as them being around your area. It is a devastating situation for so many and having your brother right in the middle of it all is of course a concern. No matter his training there are always things that can unexpectantly happen so yes I understand your worry there.

Your Dad is another concern - no doubt he is still grieving and missing your Mum - that is a long time together and a major hole in both your lives. It is also so difficult for you being so far away and not being able to help more. I have no answers for you on that one Hon - I am sure your Dad wants to stay in his own home as long as he can but there will come a time he cannot look after himself and you will all have to consider a nursing home ....hopefully that is further down the track though.

I was very saddened to hear that the new meds Hubby is on has made him more aggreassive ...please look after yourself and get out if you need to. I hear that you feel a duty to care for him but you also do not have to put up with that aggression and nastiness. Leaving permanently is not an option for you for a lot of reasons but keeping yourself safe still should be a priority. If Hubby cannot subdue his temper then leave for a while and let him fend for himself ...let him once again see that he needs you more than you need him ...that may seem harsh to some but you do not have to put up with either the emotional or physical violence.

The really big one is the leap year and all that entails for you. Nightmares, triggers and that horrible, unescapable sick feeling we get when those thoughts, feelings and memories come back are debilitting. They permeate every aspect of our lives when they are so much in the foreground. So much of the other things you are dealing with would be feeding into your general wellbeing and coping ability right now Sherry and that exacerbates those physical and mental feelings from trauma. Everywhere we turn and in everything we do there are reminders of what we went through ...and just getting through each day seems insurmountable ...but you are doing it - it is extremely hard but you are doing it. I cannot emphasize enough just how strong I think you are - it takes exceptional courage to survive what you did and to build any kind of life around you as you have done. I know right now that life is very dark and I can only offer my support and hope for it to get better - wish so much that I could do more.

As for the things I have previously said about you Hon - I 100% and whole-heartedly mean them. You are a shining light here with your wisdom, support, compassion and care for so many. We think so highly of you here because of the amazing person you are, for the time you take to support people, for the courage you show everyday with all that is going on in your own life and for the real friendship you show throughout. I firmly believe that you are one of the nicest and most well meaning people I have met - it shines through in your words to people here and the lovingly way you respond to those in need. You put your own difficulties aside to make sure others know they are both being supported and care about and you give of your time even in the most difficult of times to reach out to people that are struggling. None of that can come from somebody who has nothing to offer or is not a genuinely lovely person. A lack of confidence/self-esteem/self-worth feeds into our insecurites - so I am here to tell you Hon that you are an amazing example to us all of courage, inner strength, resilience and love - you show it daily by just getting through and display it so much here with you care and support for so many. I do know when we don't see that in ourselves then it is hard to acknowledge it from someone else - so I will continue to hold you up and let you know just how precious I think you are ...and how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful person in my life ...you matter very much Hon and even admidst all that your endure you are still a shining light - that is the real you and one I am grateful to know 💜💙💚🧡💛

[Appleblossom]

As the holder of 3 of my siblings stories, who have now passed, and my own varied foster family stories, I can definitely say good placements are very important.

[Former-Member]

Awwww  @Zoe7  ... I dont really know what to say.  So this will be uncharacteristically brief. 

As I read through your beautiful response, I cried and got really emotional about it all.  Not in a bad way, in fact the opposite. 

The first half of your response ... I knew you would 'get it'. I knew you would understand.  And in all that you said, you clearly do.  Nothing more needs to be said I think, other than "thank you so much for acknowledging and validating my thoughts and feelings".

The second part of your response, where you said so many lovely things about me ... now thats another matter entirely.  The first time I read it, I thought "she doesnt know what she's saying".  I read it a second time and I thought "you could be describing @Zoe7 ... to a tee".  So @Zoe7  all those complimentary things you just said of me, can equally (or more accurately) be said of you.

So I thank you, very very much.  I count myself fortunate indeed to be a lucky recipient of your wisdom and care.

Sherry 🙏 💕