Lived Experience Forum

[Kate4]

Apologising now for the long post, i'll keep it short and snippy where I can 😉 

I am looking for ways to cope with my partners family, I'm at an all time low, I've really struggled since becoming a mum (2 & 1 year old) i'm constantly anxious and stressed always second guessing myself and now these new events have just pushed me over the edge really

6 months ago I discovered texts from my partners sister in law (1 of 2 he has) undermining my choices as a mum implying they werent good enough, that I should do things a different way and encouraging him togo against what had been decided behind my back. This wasnt the first time she had voiced her unwanted opinion so it pushed me to minimise my contact with her. I deleted her from all of my social media pages and just stopped going to his family events where it wasnt vital that I attend. I have a zero tolerance to that sort of behaviour, it's sneaky and childish and I have no room for it in my life. 

However I have now not been able to stop thinking about it, it enters my mind daily and I doubt everything I do as a mum now because I know this is happening behind my back, ive always known and they've always been vocal about not agreeing with my parenting style but this time really got to me as it was so blatantly said to my partner himself. She also felt the need to talk about me (again) after she discovered I'd cut ties but not to me, to my partner. I approached her and told her how I felt and got no response no apology not so much as an acknowldegement. 

I want minimal contact with her I cant cope with that behaviour. I really feel my life has been turned upside down since having babies (career change, loosing myself, puting two other before myself) so to see that all my hard work and effort is just being undermined and ridiculed behind my back is heartbreaking. 

Trying to explain this to my partner gets me know where, his view is that 'they're family' so should be given a free pass, I obviously disagree and think family or not no one shoiuld be treated that way. 

I need tools to cope with being around her when I have to be, the holidays were rough, when i feel threatened I got into hiding mode and just try and get myself out of situations i feel uncomfortable with asap when i should just stand up for myself, i feel my heart beating 100km an hour, break out in hives, I just become a mess, i'm not really sure how im supposed to move forward, I dont want her to have such a huge influence over my thoughts constantly.

Also should add that i'm alone in this whole situation, I dont ask for pitty or for anyone to stand up for me, but I know have no one to talk to and feel ive been backed into a corner with no support. 

For someone with anxiety issues it's all just too much, if anyone has tips on how I can cope and move past it on a personal level that would be great, i'm also keen to hear from anyone who has sought professional help for similar issues rising from lack of support and understanding. 

[candycane]

Hi @Kate4

Welcome to the forums! Its great that you are logged on and asking for support this sounds overwhelming enough without trying to do it all alone. Do you have other support around you?

It soudns like you are dealing with alot trying to manage two children under 3 years of age whilst struggling with anxiety can be taxing and its so important that you are well supported so that you can enjoy the time that you have with your children. It is normal for a person to want to isolate themselves from someone whom they feel will hurt them and you are well within your rights to reduce/eliminate contact with them. I understand that your husband feels like this should be overlooked because they are family. I only know what you have written and it seems that this is not acceptable on your part.

An appointment with your GP would be a good start to get some support to help cope with your feelings of anxiety. Also PANDA is a service that provides support to parents struggling with anxiety issues. Your local Maternal and Child Health Nurse is also a great person to have a chat to about some support for yourself. I understand that parenthood causes a huge change in your life and for some that change is overwhelming. The important thing is that you get some support to ease the burden that you are feeling at the moment. 

I hope that i have provided some support and feel welcome to continue to post. 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Kate4 it's nice to 'meet' you.

Sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. Parenting is a hard enough gig without needing to face unfair judgments and criticisms. I don't know what it is that makes people think it's ok to put their unwanted and unnecessary opinions on parents (particularly mums) but it seems to be something many of us have faced/are facing. I also feel frustrated to hear that your partner doesn't seem to be siding with you with this.

I understand how shattering it can be to doubt your parenting particularly when It seems people are undermining you and ridiculing what you do. That really sucks 😞 My kids are in primary school, so they're quite a bit older than your little ones, and it's been an ongoing journey to develop my confidence as a mum. The more my kids go ok, the better I have felt about my parenting over time, and it makes it easier for me to throw unhelpful comments in the 'whatever' bin (I still get stung with them sometimes though). I don't have a partner to clash with about these things anymore and I can imagine that maybe it would be harder to let go of things like this if I did (of course there's other not so great that comes with single parenting too). Either way, I think we could all do with support and understanding, rather than pulling down. It's really great to see you here, where I hope you find the support you're looking for. 

As for tools to cope with anxiety, grounding exercises such as this one here have helped me in the past. Whenever I am feeling pretty emotional, whether that be angry, anxious, stressed, upset etc my words tend not to come out as I would like, so I don't really communicate hugely until they settle. I have learned it is totally ok to stop talking or engaging in conversation and walk away for a moment, even if people look at me funny or don't like it. I even do it on the phone too which can be tricky. Maybe having a go-to phrase like "I just need a moment" could help, and then you can allow yourself some time to get anxiety under control (by using whatever tool/s you find helpful) before trying to face your partner's sister in law and family. 

There are lots of parents around the forum, some with little ones like yours, many with kids who are adults now, most who I am sure will understand the difficulty of facing people who make it harder than it already is. There are definitely people to talk to here 🙂 There's also professional support if you're interested in that, which most of the time is accessed via a mental health care plan through your GP. I'm not sure if you have many friends with kids your age but I found it really helpful to find some people (women) who shared similar parenting ideas and practices. Same with books - I read lots of books/blogs/websites etc which felt 'good' inside and gave me confidence as a result. 

Again, great to see you here and I hope you find it helpful to be here 🙂

[frog]

Hi @Kate4 That's a really tough situation. My Dad, who till then I felt close to, told me to my face what a bad parent I've been. I was shattered. I have really prioritised my kids and think they are wonderful people. I agree with @CheerBear about looking for some other mums with similar parenting styles, or even kids the same age. It's good to hear other people's experiences and feel a little less alone in what is a pretty tough gig. I also fully understand your need for minimising contact with the critic, at least for now. It's important to set boundaries so that you can look after yourself. I also have a lot of trouble with anxiety, among other things, and if you have a good gp, that could be the place to start. Take care.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Kate4

What a hurtful and stressful situation you are in. I can't add much to all the wonderful advice above except to say that I see the main problem here in dealing with this situation is the lack of support you are receiving from your partner or other close family members. Making decisions with parenting only to have it reversed and undermined by your husband listening to interfering family members. Having no one to talk to that will defend and support you is why you are second questioning yourself and mulling this around in your head 24/7. That will cause distress and invoke greater anxiety levels.

I feel what will benefit you is either a trusted friend to talk this through with or a psychologist to help guide you. Also to firmly state to your partner that no one has a free pass to distress you and that you "are his partner and mother of his children" and shou,d be the first priority. And that the lack of support from him to defend you is causing anxiety and this is "taking away from your full attention to his needs and the children's through the stress and anxiety his family member/s are causing". If it were me I would calmly lay it all on the table. It cannot go on.

When it comes to parenting all we can do is what we have learned from our own upbringing and what we believe is right and best for our children's welfare. There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it were from concerned family members who genuinely care and it's important at times to hear them out and consider what they are saying; - thinking it through unbiasly then making a sound judgment if there is any revelance to what they are saying which can be be helpful, or if not it can be dismissed and left at that.  But this type of constructive criticism does not sound like the case with your situation; - as if this was the case they would say it "to you once", and leave it at that. It sounds like intrusive and controlling behaviour to undermine you. If you believe the latter is definitely the case "always defend yourself" politely but firmly. 

Constant unwanted advice and criticism can be abusive/nasty and toxic to one's mental health. You did the right thing moving away from the SIL to protect yourself, but she is getting back into your head through your partner and lack of support from him. Some serious boundaries need to be drawn there. Seeking the advice of a counsellor or psychologist in learning the best way to move forward with these boundaries and family dynamics and most importantly, having someone to talk to who will support yours and the children's best interests will help you to cope better, raise your confidence and reduce your anxiety. All my best to you.

[Muzz]

Everyone has ups and downs

[Kate4]

Thanks so much for your advice @candycane

I have minimal support arround me, one mum friend who has children of similar ages and she is very much my rock and we do talk over a lot of what happens to keep me grounded, apart from her I don't really have anyone else. 

I've booked an appointment with my GP to begin the process of getting some professional help too, I just really didnt know where to start so thank you for the info 🙂 

[Kate4]

CheerBear Correct! It is SO unfair and uncalled for, believe it or not this particular family member is also mum to a young one and suffered from PND herself after he was born so I'm really baffled that she continues to think that her behaviour is ok and can't see how it could possibly be hurtful and damaging.
Loving the idea of the 'whatever' bin, I'll find that useful 😉
That grounding excessive is great too, thanks so much for that i've bookmarked it to revisit every few days to keep fresh in my mind while i go through this rough patch.
Thanks again for your help, i'm really glad I've made the first step in getting help

[Kate4]

@Former-Member thank you so so much for your support, i'm even finding these responses so helpful, being a lone voice really had me wondering if i was in the wrong as everyone around me is saying (even though my moral compass and logic says im completely correct in feeling this way) 
I do find the lack of support very stressful in particular and could be why im just feeling so 'stuck' in the whole situation without a clear way out. 
I've made an appointment with my GP to start the process of getting professional help, I do think thats the best way forward for me, I dont feel comfortable anymore to be heard or have my anxiety issues validated. 
What's gone on and has been going on is not at all constuctive critisism which is the most frustrating part, it's all gone on behind my back which just makes me feel worse, I thought I was doing a great job until It all came crashing down around me when this begun now I question every little thing I do which I hate I used to be so confident in our parenting style now I just do whatever gets us by. 
Im hoping that finding professional help will allow me to stand up for myself more rather than just attempting to find a quiet corner and become invisible. 
Thbaks again for your advice and tips, I've found them really useful 🙂 

[CheerBear]

Hi again @Kate4

Great to hear that you have made an appointment with your GP. Taking that first step in getting help and support can be a scary but is really brave. I hope it will start you off on a path towards getting your confidence back ☺

Glad to hear you found it helpful to write here. Feeling like you're a lone voice can really make things hard. It helps me to know I don't have to be alone with what I face and that there is support of all kinds out there.

Wishing you the best ☺