Community

[Shaz51]

Going to ring tomorrow and make a appointment @Faith-and-Hope 

[Former-Member]

hello @Shaz51

sorry for late response

my head is in a better place so when i have time i read posts backwards so to speak to get sense of what is going on.

sounds like a good result. you must feel relieved. plus seeing a dietician will help even further.

positive stuff for you.

[Shaz51]

thank you @Former-Member xx

seeing a dietician will help even further.-- yes I hope the new one is better than the one i had last year

[Shaz51]

Hello @Decadian, @Former-Member, @PeppiPatty, @skylight, @Biscuit, @Jen12, @Kanny, @Former-Member, @denial, @NotSoCrayCray, @MadameMeow, @JennyK, @NikNik

, this morning , everything i said, hubby would throw it back in my face like ;

do you want this for breakfast  -- no i want that

i have booked in this job today -- no we are going to do this job

I need to go tto the shop on the way home -- no i am going straight home

you are spending too much time on the computer -- nothing is getting done , --

that is because I have done everything

WOW, he did go on !!!

glad we had a cleaning job this morning , home at 12-30 and hubby has gone to sleep

[NotSoCrayCray]

I feel for you. Sucks when everything you do is some how wrong 😞

When youve anticipated the situation and taken steps to make them happy knowing they will be unhappy no matter what and they still find a fault, it can be pretty draining.

For me its more like, "Look honey, ive cleaned the whole house and yard and cooked dinner". OMG these dishes arent stacked right, the clothes arent hung correctly, the food is burnt. This is the kind of thing that hurt me the most. More than any other physical or emotional abuse, to be "not good enough" no matter how much effort you put in quickly robs your of your self confidence and willingness to help.

The only thing that helped me through that stuff was trying to remind myself its not my fault and she cant helpo the way she sees it.

[Shaz51]

Hello @NotSoCrayCray

you are sooo right my friend

how are you today , hope you are ok xx

yes my hubby been asleep for three hours now

yea well about the dishes and clothes , cooking , washing where i was always wrong , I have said to him "How about helping me "

when he helps me -- ha ha I have to try not to say anything because if i do say something he won`t help me again

so I say thankyou for helping me ,

[Faith-and-Hope]

My hubby helps me with the dishes .... that was his contribution .... 30 years ago .... ❣

[NotSoCrayCray]

---

@Shaz51 wrote:

to try not to say anything because if i do say something he won`t help me again

so I say thankyou for helping me ,

---

Yer this is how I wish it was. Id rather she not notice than be cracking the shits over it.

I get told off if I help, then if Ive had enough and dont help, i get called lazy and told i never help. I can usually explain why and she would apologise, but the very next time I do something its wrong again.

When I try to help, I get told to go away. Soon as I leave the room , im called back to help. This particular behaviour I find hard to deal with and is about the only thing I get fired up over. For example, Ill see her unloading the washing machine and ask if she wants help hanging it. She will of course say no. So I leave the room. She will go outside and within 2mins be calling me in a tone that I know means im in for some shit. 

So id go out and very nicely ask if shes ok and does she need help. Ill get an aggressive "YES! HOLD THIS" in response. So I hold it, I grab it exactly where she was holding it and I dont even move. She will scream "I SAID HOLD IT" and ill calmly say "i am baby". She somehow disagrees with the fact im holding something, yet im clearly standing there holding it. Then ill cop something like "YOUR F$#$@NG USLESS. YOU CANMT EVEN HOLD A F@#$%IN SHEET STRAIGHT". 

Now up to this point, ive been calm and submissive, but I start to get pissed off, so my voice starts to sound more aggressive and nasty when I reply with "I am baby". Im still trying to hold my tounge but she can hear in my voice im getting psised off. So she will start with other unrelated crap. Anything from some sock she found earlier in the day to the toilet seat being left up a week ago. At this point shes uncontrollable, she just rants and rants about insignificant crap. You walk away, she will follow, you try leave, she screams out the front of the house, stands behind the car or starts making out that im beating her up hoping to attract attention. This shit continues untill she eventually does attack me and when I restrain her she bursts in to tears and crys for a min. Then its over. Finally. This will go on for anywhere from 40 mins to several hours, but it always ends the same. She attacks and I pretty much have to stop her till shes so drained she breaks down in tears 😞

In the mean time the neighbours (who are watching all this out their windows) come out and ask if everything is ok and ask if they should call the police. I ofcourse tell them its ok, no need, shes just having an episode and ill deal with it.

Looking back now, it was not a good way to live. I care for that girl like crazy but the shit she put me through because of her illness I should never have put up with. I always thought I was helping, and that most other people would have just left or given her a beating long ago. I thought that I was a better person for helping her and putting up with it, but i think now i was just a sucker. Too blinded by love to see the fact I was a victim of domestic abuse. 3

Wow I guess I got a little carried away with that reply. Sorry about that.

IMO when the other 1/2 does something to help. Even if he does a shit job, try making a big deal about it (in a positive way) to make him feel good about doing it in the future. All i ever wanted was some thanks, perhaps he is the same.

[Shimmer]

Hi @NotSoCrayCray,

So you were between a rock and a hard place being criticised either for not helping or for doing chores wrong - I imagine it would have been really upsetting that your help was seen as "not good enough" rather than your good intentions being acknowledged.

It sounds like you tried really hard to remain calm and exit the situation to protect yourself when your partner's behaviour escalated and became uncontrollable. It is good to hear that you didn't go down the avenue of hurting her - violence is never okay and her abusing you is not okay either. You show a lot of insight in having recognised her actions as domestic abuse in hindsight.

How are you going tonight?

[NotSoCrayCray]

Im ok. Just trying to find things to do. Ive been packing, but I dont want to pack everything ot ill jkust end up bored shitless. + I kinda feel like im getting nowhere when I cant actually take the stuff anywhere at the moment.

Yer id never hurt her. When I was younger I was a amature kickboxer and MMA fighter. My instincts are pretty powerful to hit back, but i also have pretty good self control. Thats something I feel im loosing due to all this. But because I spent years training, her attacks dont hold much weight. Ive always managed to instinctivly slip her punches or block and try to walk away or restrain her if it came down to it.