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New Contributor

new to this

Hi, I'm new to this - never posted to a forum like this before but right now I'm willing to give anything a try. 

I go back and forth between anxiety and depression like a tennis match - the number of good days I have lately is definitely outweighed by the bad. 

Taking the plunge - I was sexually assaulted by my brother for a number of years in my childhood. I've never told any of my family and don't plan to. I've always been unable to talk about it. I've managed a couple of times, mainly through writing letters - I just can't talk about it face-to-face with anyone. It's left me feeling completely and utterly worthless. I struggle in relationships - romantically and otherwise. I can't allow myself to get close enough to anyone. 

I think I've reached a time in my life where I'v started to think I finally could start to unpack everything. My only problem - I've never felt more alone. I really don't have friends outside of work and I can't talk to family. I tried EAP through my workplace, but I can only get 3 sessions and I know I'll need more than that. The one place I know that I'd feel confident in going to, that has the best counsellors, I can't go to because that's where I work!! I know some of my workmates can tell something is wrong. My direct supervisor even guessed what is in my past but I can't talk to her - she's so busy and I don't want to burden her. My manager knows something is going on and so do some of the counsellors, but they're all so busy and I don't want to add to the stress.

I've always expressed myself better in writing, maybe that's why I joined this forum. I've been reading people's stories and it encourage me to start sharing mine. Only problem is, I don't know where to go from here...


Re: new to this

Hey there, I am new to this as well which is why I thought I would jump on and reply to your comment. I only found this forum today, and I am also just looking to unpack everything and get off my chest what has happened to me in the past. I am sorry to hear about what happened to you, I am lucky to not have experienced that kind of assult. But I got my BPD from childhood trauma.


Dont feel alone when speaking to your manager, make some time with them so you know they have the time free. Be open, honest, but don't play on how you feel. I work in a highly stressful enviorment and my boss is 'a big deal' it was hard at first but now he understands me. Well, he does his best. I think this forum will be great for you if you like to write, do you have a diary?


I am sorry if my comment doesnt help, I just didnt want you to feel alone Smiley Happy

Re: new to this

Hi @Mollie   I’m about to head out but just read your post and wanted to give a quick response, although I will answer  more in depth when I get home and have more time.


I was also sexually abused as a child and told no one, not for 40years.  I finally told my husband and began councilling around 12 months ago.  


Just quickly, if you’re not comfortable speaking to anyone where you work, have you considered an organisation like CASA (which is Victorian, not sure what they are called in other states). From what I am aware it is a free service - I think for a fixed amount of sessions.


There are other services but I can’t think of them off the top of my head, maybe a @Moderator might be able to jump on and name a few.


I have to go out now, but I’ll check back a little later.


Oh, by the way - welcome to the forums 🙂

Re: new to this

@Alwaysconfused3   Welcome to the forums.  I have to head out for a bit, but I’ll be back to chat later

Re: new to this

Hi @Mollie, it's wonderful that you have arrived at a place where you feel ready to share your childhood abuse in a space that feels safe to do so. It takes a lot of courage to reach out, it's great that you've shared with our supportive online community.


Another service that you might like to contact is Blue Knot Foundation. They specialise in supporting adults who experience abuse and trauma in childhood. 


Also, you are most welcome to contact the SANE Help Centre if you would like to talk about other referral options. The phone number is 1800 18 SANE (7263), Monday to Friday, 10am to 10pm EST.


Thanks for sharing with us Smiley Happy



Re: new to this

@Mollie  @Alwaysconfused3 

Talking about our past experiences to a professional, or even just a trusted friend or colleague is very hard, it brings up so much emotion, and can be a traumatic experience in itself.  But when you feel ready, (which going by your previous posts you do sound like you are ready for that step) it can relieve a lot of pressure and stress and start you on the journey of healing.


Like I said earlier, I kept my CSA a secret for 40years.  I have never told my family, and have decided I probably never will.  My marriage started to break down 2 years ago and through marriage counselling I realised just how much my CSA had affected both my marriage and just myself.  I started seeing my marriage councillor one on one about 12 months ago for CSA and after a few months I was able to tell my husband what had happened.


It wasn’t easy, in fact I started getting terrible anxiety and panic attacks, I even had to stop the car and throw up on the side of the road on the way

home from one of my sessions.  But, it does get better, a little easier.  There are still bad days, I still react poorly to some triggers, but with help I can understand what I’m feeling and manage myself better.


I guess there is truth to the saying “a problem shared is a problem halved”.  You are extremely brave to share your stories and to seek out help.  I hope you can find a professional that you can trust.  


I’m happy to chat if ever you need a friendly ear.  I hope to see you both around the forums 🙂🙂


Re: new to this

Sending love to you both @Mollie and @Alwaysconfused3 Heart Hope today has been a good day.

Re: new to this

Thanks everyone for the replies, I’m not the quickest replier myself but I do appreciate it!!


So things haven’t been great lately. I’ve been trying to get back into EAP but they’re not do appointments in my area at the moment and I’d probably have to wait a week or two. A friend from work has been great though I haven’t told her everything. My days at work are up and down - lately I seem to have more bad days than good. 


My my manager has been amazing and very patient with me. I’ve started thinking maybe I should sit down with her and try and explain some of this stuff. I know I don’t have to, but I think maybe it would help my work environment and give her a bit of an insight. I’m not a very good talker and she knows that. I went off at a colleague the other day for tapping me on the back - something has to change. I think being honest with my manager might be the start. Thoughts and advice???

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