Lived Experience Forum

[Cinderella83]

I'm confused whether I'm in one. He said I'm abusive though. I know I've done some things that could be considered that but I've been really careful not to do those things now.

He seems like he has BPD though. He overreacts big time. He causes a huge argument over the smallest things and in the past I've reacted badly but I'm learning to not get emotional and just stand my ground. 

Just feeling very confused about the situation I'm in. I know it's an unhealthy relationship but I feel like it's not all me. I want to fix things but I'm confused... I think he's more than half the problem and there's no way he'd admit it... 

[Little_Leopard]

@Cinderella83 yes it’s common for people with BPD to get into abusive relationships because of the codependency and unhealthy attachment issues. 
There is a big problem when someone is doing abusing behaviour but refuses to acknowledge it as such. From what you have said I think you are saying your are both abusive. Is that what you said? It’s good that you want to work on your behaviour but by the sounds your parter is refusing to admit his own behaviour which is going to be an issue. 
by the way BPD is not an excuse to do abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour is a choice. If you or your partner feel to angry or heated you should walk away. That is the choice you should make. Abuse inly leads to more abuse and more paid and it will make the BPD symptoms worse 

[wellwellwellnez]

That's a really interesting and also pretty interesting question. My understanding is that BPD is largely caused by abusive relationships during developmental times. How that translates into current relationships, has a large range of variable factors. A huge range.

It might be worth having a talk to 1800 RESPECT to appraise your situation.

[NatureLover]

Hi @Cinderella83 , I don't know the answer to your question, but I'm going to tag @BPDSurvivor  and @tyme , who have great insight.

[Cinderella83]

You are right it is choice. It is sometimes hard to walk away but it's the best thing to do. <br>My partner often triggers me and I react. He also won't allow me to walk away and follows me, continuously harassing me until I respond to him. I try so hard to get away and end up in tears. I used to get angry at him but after some time I realised when I got angry he would then use it against me later and say it was all me, my mood change. It's as if he enjoyed this. It's weird actually. Now I get someone on the phone and won't allow him to follow me or harass me in person. I said he will need to do it over text message. After several months he finally has adhered to this boundary of mine but it took a lot of convincing that he was being controlling by following me and not letting me leave a situation when I'm feeling upset. <br><br>He stop harasses me over messages and I used to also get into back and forths that took hours but I've realised he can never admit wrong doing and if will ALWAYS be me who apologises. <br><br>He can't admit any wrong doing EVER. There was one time he admitted wrong doing and he went off the rails at that point saying he wanted to hurt himself etc. I don't think he can handle admitting anything he did wrong. Also he said I was abusive for "checking on him". Unfortunately he allowed access to his Facebook messages etc and then later said I'm controlling and abusive for that. I mean he should have probably had a firm boundary of not checking but I do remember getting very paranoid and continuously wondering if he was cheating. Maybe he felt I needed to check. It never helped me though. He constantly lied about his whereabouts so my paranoia would never go. I get advice from 1800 respect often. I'm also getting some counselling on abusive relationships soon. It will help me make more sense of what's happening, clear my head.

[Cinderella83]

Thanks for your response. My ex used to be super chill and we would rarely have an argument. He'd actually never take part in conversation and he'd ignore me (which is also abusive) but with my current bf, he is sooo argumentative. It's very difficult with him. I'm working on it and creating boundaries.

[wellwellwellnez]

I'm glad you're making contact with the right people. Super glad, actually. A big factor of relational abuse, in developed countries, around these days, is the smallness of our communities (like nuclear families and the like). For that reason it's important to "reach across the fences" in order to look after each other.

[tyme]

From experience, setting boundaries when things are smooth is the best way to go @Cinderella83 

When either party is triggered, it's definitely not the right time to set up boundaries.

If both want the relationship to continue, it is about setting some boundaries that can be agreed upon by both, so that when a difficult time does occur, these boundaries will be at the fore front.

For example,

- When I am angry, give me time. You can text me, but I may not read the messages at that time.

- When you are angry, I will walk away. Please give me space.

- When we have both calmed down, we can talk about what has happened and what we can do next time.

These are just some examples I have found which have worked. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to go by these.

All the best, tyme

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Cinderella83 ,

How are you? Hope you are okay.