Lived Experience Forum

[Razzle]

Thanks @eth. I’m heading into town soon, taking mum to a Drs appt.  I’ll be on my own for a bit after that so I think I’ll try the helpline this afternoon.  I’ll checkin later and let you know how I go

[eth]

Hope your day went smoothly @Razzle.  Here for a while if you want to chat.

[Razzle]

Hi @eth. I didn’t make the call, I burst into tears before I could even connect, I was too emotional so just ended up coming home.  Kind of slept on the couch for 1/2hr or so, bust wasn’t a very restful sleep.  

[eth]

Hi @Razzle  sometimes having a good cry is the best thing for us.  And it's really good to snooze after that, even if briefly.  I've always said 'good weep good sleep'.  I think it's that we release endorphins while we cry, which help the body and mind calm down.  I also think it's like a built in survival mechanism that helps us through the hard times, even if that's by shutting down for a time.  Have you got your appointment with your therapist today?  If so, I hope you're able to really tell them what's going on for you, even if you have to cry your way through it.  That way they can best understand how all this is affecting you, and thus best help you.

I don't think I told you but I had a stillborn child years ago, and the anniversary of that was Australia Day.  That's why I feel for you so, I've been through it and more than once.  And I've also had a time where I realized many years later the details of a traumatic event and what actually had happened in more detail.  So I get the shock of it all.

Once again I say go gently with yourself today.  Grief is not something that can be controlled, it has it's own timing.  There is a theory about 'the 7 stages of grief' (google it) that might help you at some stage.

https://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

@Former-Member  is there a group like Panda that specifically supports people who've had miscarriages?

[Lauz]

Hi @eth and @Razzle - great to see the support you are both giving each other here. 

The resources that @nashy gave are really great ones to reach out to and can probably help point you to suitable supports around this particular flashback or memory. They would be the best in the first instance. PANDA is a great organisation @eth but if you are looking for a place that supports are focused on miscarriages, stillbirths and newborn deaths you can try Sands. I am so sorry for your loss also @eth 

@Razzle your level of insight and ability to be open about your experiences with your counsellor and supports is so important and it looks like you are doing a wonderful job in working through a lot of healing. That takes time as we all know, so it's great to see you connecting with others here as you travel through these times 🌻

[eth]

Thanks @Lauz.  I am ok about what happened to me these days (well that part anyway) and have had 23 years of occasional therapy relating to that event.  I was asking about a specific support around this issue for @Razzle.  I have a really good psychologist I can tell absolutely anything.  

@Razzle  hopefully the group Lauz suggested (SANDS) would be helpful for you.  Don't forget - it's natural to cry about this stuff, and as my psychologist says ' you have to feel it to heal it' - tho it may take time.  Hoping today goes better for you and thinking of you.

[Razzle]

@eth @Lauz

Ive just met with my councillor, just sitting in my car now trying to regroup, feeling pretty washed out and emotional.  I told my councillor everything, bawled my whole way through - got angry at one point but was mostly just sad.

My councillor was able to give me a new insight into the dream/memory, or at least give me a clue as to why I am remembering it now.  I don’t feel so jumbled up in my brain now, my thoughts have been so mixed up lately that I haven’t been able to concentrate properly, but I feel a lot calmer now,

although I’m still having  a lot of anxiety, and could still have another good cry, and I’m also still feeling quite jittery.

@eth  I’m sorry to hear that you had a stillborn, this must be a very tough time of year for you.  I lost my 9yo son in a car accident, coming up 13 years ago now.  And aside from what I now know was a miscarriage back when I was being abused, I also had a miscarriage between each of my children, and my last pregnancy was twins but I miscarried one of the twins.  Grief is such an individual thing, most people think you grieve what you have lost, but that has never been the case for me.  I grieved the future and what never was. I grieved the birthdays, Christmas’s, special anniversaries we were never going to have. I grieved never being able to meet my sons future girlfriend, his future bride, his future children, what kind of a job he would have ended up with, what kind of a man he would have been.  I didn’t grieve what was left behind, I grieved everything that should have been in front.

I am so tired now, I feel like I could sleep for a year.  My session today was in my councillors home town, so I’m about 270kms from home.  There is a lake not far from here, I find water very calming, and may try and sleep before I head home, I don’t feel safe enough to drive right now.

Mind you, it’s nice just sitting here at the moment, I think I’ll just stare out the window for a bit before I move on.

[eth]

@Razzle what a beautiful poignant description of grief.  I so agree with you.  I also had other miscarriages - all together 7 attempts at giving my one child a sibling.  Even the child that survived was 3 months premmie and is consequently legally blind so there was grief about what could have been there too.  And as they grew up I went through a range of feelings all the time, not least resentment and anger at the Dr that caused their early birth (ruptured my membrane doing a smear at 25 weeks).    So I think I understand well what you say about what grief is like for you.  Very sorry about your son.

Hope you managed to have a rest before driving home.  It sounds like you were really able to open up and feel heard with the counsellor.  What a shame they are so far away.  Really hope you find more peace over the coming days.  Here to listen whenever you want to talk.

[Razzle]

Thanks @eth.  I wasn’t able to sleep but I stopped quite a bit and rested on the way home.  I had a bit of a melt down when I got home, took myself off to bed and had a good cry, still couldn’t sleep.

I think I’d be angry at your doctor too, what a terrible thing to happen to you and your child.   You have been through quite a battle to have your children.

In my session today we tried to pin point what emotion I had connected to the memory/realisation of that particular miscarriage.  I was only 12 when it happened, at that age I didn’t even know how a baby was made, let alone knowing exactly what he was doing to me at that time.   (I knew absolutely nothing about sex Ed, I knew everything he was doing was wrong, but he had threatened harm to my parents and myself if I ever spoke up, so I kept it secret.)   The councillor suggested grief, but that didn’t quite fit.

The best fit was anger, at myself, at the adults in my life that didn’t see what was happening, but mainly anger at myself for not sending up the red flags so someone would notice.  I have so much self hate that it’s becoming crippling.  On top of that is fear, I’m scared out of my mind that I’ll have further flash backs, I really don’t want to remember.

My councillor thinks I’m having the flash back because my mind is telling me that I’m ready.  That I’m seeing my dream in snapshots rather than like a

movie is so that I can see the picture (or event) more clearly, more focussed, so that I can analyse it and attach the right emotion.  It’s all very complex, a little hard to recall now but it all made sense when we spoke of it today.

[eth]

Hi @Razzle   Firstly and most importantly - It Was Not Your Fault   

Secondly - It was Not Your Fault  

I've a history of assaults and dv, both sexual and violent, both as a child and as an adult  and I know well the self-blame, guilt and shame that can come afterwards.  Once again, I feel for you.  Glad to hear your therapist is aware, sounds trauma-trained, and has managed to reassure you a bit about what's happening.   I think anger at the perpetrator would be a good sign.   I'm really glad you have this person to turn to.

 I also have snap-shot memories of many periods of my life, and confusion about timing, plus I've had psychosis a few times and that affects my memory too.  It's like having the pieces of a jigsaw loose in a bag and not even knowing if I have all the pieces.  I go through times where I can accept that I'll never know some things, and then other periods (like now) where a whole bunch of new snap-shots from a few different events come up at the same time and I get overwhelmed.  I am lucky to have a really good psychologist who I see weekly who is helping me work on less re-living events due to the complex PTSD and better management of the bipolar 1.  One of my most frequent fears is dissociating during a panic or flash-back, which has happened in the  past.  It really limits my life, I don't go out by myself at all to new places, or even familiar places most of the time.  But I got NDIS funding so I now have support workers who get me out and are helping me work towards more independence.  It's a long road sometimes.

Hope today is a bit better for you, but go gently with yourself - telling two people about it in just a few days could leave you vulnerable and exhausted.  Take care.