Functioning with ADHD

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I have the next one on Monday, but it’ll be the second last. I think the problem also comes from private health not covering the costs, I would need to go on a higher level. There is a cost for sessions even with Medicare. I could discuss option with my psych, just not sure if there are many options. I feel tempted to relapse to old diet, but it’s hard resisting. Still struggling with lowering anxiety levels. Stuck in the wired but tired brain.

I feel better since my period has ended, hate period female hygiene stuff, I feel super gross on my period. I’m a big germaphobe. I’m sure it plays a role in my mental health.

[AuntGlow]

I wonder if going in with a specific intention could be helpful for these last two sessions? So you can get the most out of them? Does anything come to mind? ☺️ @creative_writer 

I get being stuck in older patterns and familiar habits... I wonder if there is one little thing you could do differently tonight? For example, can you delay or distract, ground or soothe? 

YES I completely get this. What makes you feel more comfortable during these moments? 

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I could try doing that. I have a lot to discuss regarding SI (I’m safe), agitation and eating.

I feel utterly useless. If I can’t help myself, how am I supposed to help other people? Being a volunteer does help me feel productive, I’m doing it and managing, but my mental health is in shambles.

I’ll try to do something relaxing, my migraine isn’t good today. I wish I had a PRN that worked as a circuit breaker, but I’ve got nothing, it used to be my go to in the past

[AuntGlow]

Okay, maybe there could be more conversations around a self-soothing plan? @creative_writer 

Hmm, what do you think would make volunteering feel a bit more accessible for you right now?

I am sorry your migraines are feeling intense today... that must be so painful for you. Does a heatpack on your neck ever help? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I could discuss self soothing activities with her. It won’t be easy to find a way, I’m very heightened, but I guess it won’t hurt to try. I want these thoughts to slow. Might help me stop thinking of ways to do it (I’m safe). Maybe if these thoughts slowed, it’ll be easier to drown out thoughts of the grief surrounding loss of innocence. How does one feel whole again?

I’m doing two hour shifts at a time, it takes a lot out of me.

I haven’t used a heat pack for a while. I believe a physio once placed one, it was a long time ago, can’t remember if it helped. I think heat packs are okay as long as it’s not too close to the head (like base of skull). Migraines can feel pretty hot in the head

[AuntGlow]

It definitely can't hurt to try 💛 @creative_writer 

I hear you, and processing trauma is a delicate, nuanced process... these parts of you can heal and you will absolutely have moments where feeling whole is possible. You're still learning and exploring what works for you. I am going to keep reminding you of this, okay? 

I can imagine. How much support do you have there?

I understand the hot feelings. It can help to release the tension in the neck muscles, so that might alleviate some discomfort? Let me know how you go and I shall check-in tomorrow. ☺️

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow she wants me to continue with thought logging, and follow up with pdoc about ADHD. My mood is super deregulated, could be bipolar, but maybe ND burn out too.

Also wants me to inform pdoc that she will be completing an ED assessment to see if I meet criteria and qualify for more sessions per year. More Medicare rebated sessions are available for EDs. 10 sessions are pretty limited, my mental health is complex. I see my disordered eating a means of taking control over my body after being violated. I feel disgusted with my body, I know it’s not a healthy way to cope, but it’s what I’ve known for so long

[AuntGlow]

I am so proud of you and your growing awareness @creative_writer. The thought log and ED assessment sound like very helpful next steps. I know this is all painful beyond words and that you are doing your utmost to cope every day. I also know that when things feel like they won't get better, a breakthrough moment is not far off. This won't mean you will never feel this way again, but I believe you will continue to evolve and grow, because you have already come so far in your healing journey. 

Throughout this process, what can you tell me you've learned so far? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow it’s hard, I think I had been in denial for so long. Disordered eating and EDs aren’t always so obvious, it’s so easy to hide. Though I need to talk to the nutritionist in case adjustments may need to be made, I need to be able to determine how much to eat without being overly stressed.

I’ve learnt that being honest with yourself and your supports is super important. Sometimes you have to swallow the hard truth, even if it’s about yourself

[creative_writer]

Can’t tell how much of emotional deregulation is coming from bipolar and how much is coming from adhd. The wired but tired has come back, I took a half a PRN last night which settled me for a bit without numbing me out. Having urges to SH and having SI (I’m safe)