I can’t cope

[Captain24]

my phone is nearly flat from checking my emails. @Ru-bee. I desperately need to know what is going on. 

Im trying to do some LEGO but my mind keeps wondering. I just can’t focus. 

[Ru-bee]

I'm just about to finish up, but I really hope that an email comes through for you soon @Captain24 

[Captain24]

No email @Ru-bee. They would have finished for the day anyway. 

Mum has the shits. I just contacted the dog sitter and asked if she was busy, she said she would get back to me. But mum said she was going to visit her grandkids. So now mum is carrying on that they have to have them. I wish she could be supportive of me. I wonder what it would be like to have a caring mum. But I guess if I did I wouldn’t be locked up here. It’s all her fault. She did this to me. So not only is my anxiety high, so is my anger.

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 just saw your recent message - trying to figure things out with your workplace and dealing with your mum as well now sounds quite overwhelming to juggle, your anger and anxiety is so valid, sorry you feel this way. sending some positive energy your way 💙

how's the lego coming along? which set are you working on?

[Captain24]

I just wished things in my life were easier. @rav3n If I was in hospital with a broken leg they would be fine with it. Imagine if I told her I was suicidal. Then the shit would really hit the fan. 

Im doing the corvette but I just can’t get into it. I can’t get into anything. They have put me back into groups. I’m doing the first stage again.

I really hate myself and my life right now. 

[rav3n]

i hear you @Captain24 having that conversation with your workplace can be tough! the stigma around mental health sucks but it doesn't mean its less crucial. mental health is just as important and valid as our physical health, and you deserve to get your treatment without judgement. 

have you ever spoken to your workplace about your mental health? you may be surprised by how understanding they can be - is there someone at work you can talk to about this, a manager, HR, etc? i really hope they understand how important this is.

oh yes i remember you mentioning the corvette one! that's totally fine if you're not up for it today, that's not a reflection of your self-worth! there's no pressure, you're doing your best and that's what matters 💙

how's the group first stage going?

[Captain24]

They know a little bit about my MH @rav3n. My workplace is difficult with bosses by the way it’s structured. I emailed underground HR this morning and she forwarded it to the open cut one. I’m just waiting on hearing from them. 

I have the dog sitter back so that’s good. It stops mum from having to whinge about my dogs. But when I told her she sounded disappointed. She did also guilt me about being away from them so long. It broke my heart. I’m missing them so much. 

My car hasn’t worked out so it’ll be unregistered. 

My new meds make me really sick. I don’t feel well at all. I don’t think I can even get changes into my pj’s

I restart stage 1 tomorrow. I did it a few months ago when I was in. 

[rav3n]

ohhh i see, it's good that they know a bit about it already @Captain24 hopefully it reaches the right people and they can provide you with some leave and support. 

yay to the dog sitter!! sucks that your mum said that, sometimes parents don't really understand how important and hard this time away is for our recovery journey. hopefully you feel a little relief in knowing that your dogs are in safe hands 💚

i hope it goes well tomorrow, maybe now that you've done stage 1 before, it might be a lil better or even familiar this time around? don't forget to go easy on yourself, i know there's a lot of things going up and down for you so don't forget to take a deep breath, take it one step at a time and be patient with yourself, you deserve kindness.

[Captain24]

So my car is getting the pink slip done tomorrow. A friend is taking it down for me. I just have to stay in here to prove I’m not driving it. That’s one less stress. 

Apparently HR is ringing me this afternoon so I can find out what is going on work wise. 

I don’t like my new group but I guess I just have to deal with it. The facilitator today was really nice though. Turns out that I don’t have groups in the afternoon in stage 1. 

A friend is taking me down to Cole’s this arvo so it’ll be nice to get out for a little while. I think she has things on so it could be just Cole’s. Maybe the beach if she is not busy. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Captain24 glad to hear this update and that things are slowly getting sorted out. I hope the call with HR goes well today

Sounds like getting out will be nice this afternoon, even if it is just to Coles