Lived Experience Forum

[GlossyHygrocybe]

We were having a day of no contact and it was good but I was having challenges unrelated to her. Tonight it all got very overwhelming. I have been trying my coping mechanisms but nothing has really properly soothed me in a lasting way. I reached out to her on instagram so she wouldn't be notified about how I was feeling over text, I am on new medications and this adjustment period has been weird and really hard because my feelings are returning to their normal (bigger) intensity. She then texted me and reached out to say she'd been thinking of me and that she loved me and I asked if we could call later and she said yes and I was so relieved because I just needed to hear her voice tonight honestly. I've had a really hard day. She said she'd text me back soon when we could call and when she did she told me she didn't want to call me anymore. She'd been journalling about things that were heavy and she was emotional and didn't have the emotional capacity to talk to me. I think she was journalling about me probably and my volatility and the bad memories of before I got my new treatment plan and went to hospital. She didn't want to call me. She changed her mind. I am angry that she changed her mind when I am feeling this way and she had reached out to be supportive. It feels like false hope. I wish she hadn't reached out in the first place if she couldn't handle it. I am sick of people lying to me and acting like they aren't scared of me. I am sick of people. I am sick of liars. Everyone lies to me. I'm serious everyone constantly lies to my face and acts in a different way. I am sick of her right now I am sick of her pain. I know that's so selfish but I am seriously sick of her being traumatised by me. I can't stand to be around it and I know how selfish that is. In moments like these I want to leave. I don't want to be with her right now. I want to be alone on a cliff and I want the sea salt spray to hit my face and I want to feel peaceful and know that I can be loved and there is potential for me to be loved for all that I am and not just when I am performing or masking. I dream of being with someone who I won't wear out when I am being myself authentically. I want to leave and go somewhere and start again. I am so ashamed of how I behaved when I was angry and mistrusting of her. She is traumatised by my volatility because I shouted mean things at her and I slammed doors but she never tells me what's going on and I can never figure it out on my own it's always something worse than it is and I react in the wrong way. There is something traumatising about my face. Even girls in primary school would say that I have scary eyes. I have a scary face. Well my girlfriend goes between loving me and rejecting me and I think she loves me when my mask is up and she rejects me when it's down so how can I trust her? How can she be hurt when she realises my trust is flimsy? I am trying to trust her but she is not solid. She is not reliable and she hasn't been from the beginning of our relationship. Why is it so out of the question that I grew a resentment towards her when she rejects me for who I am? For every negative emotion and expression of it she is traumatised by. She goes between loving me and rejecting me and I can't handle it. I am so much better now but am I? Maybe I am still terrible. Maybe I should disappear. Being with her is confusing. I never know how she's really feeling. I am not convinced she is in love with me anymore, moreso she is dancing around with an old skin on and it is very glorified in her mind. She doesn't want all of me she wants the successful, well put together parts without the other stuff. If I spoke openly like this would she reject me more? I am angry with her. She is just as volatile as I am, when she was mad at me she put my life at risk by driving recklessly - but I am the scary person. Because I have scary eyes and a scary face and a scary body and I should pack my things and get out of here before the damage gets worse. I want to swear at her but I won't. I want to tell her she's hurt me so much tonight but I won't. It's all my fault because this is my nature. I need people around me to support me but they are afraid of me and they keep their distance. I hate her right now I hate everyone right now. I hate my mother for hurting me and leaving me, I hate my father for hurting me and leaving me. I am that r word that people in school always used. I am the scary creepy psycho r word. I can't change how people relate to me or treat me I can't change my perceptions I can't change anything except myself and my behaviours and even then it's not enough for her. She needs time I don't have but I need to learn to be uncomfortable and be responsible but honestly she seriously dropped the ball tonight. I don't even know if I can trust her to catch the ball. She's not there. I needed her tonight and she wasn't there. She knew I needed her. She wasn't there when I needed her. I am alone in my suffering again tonight. I've done this before and I need to grow up. I need to grow up and take things seriously and fix everything but I am trying to fix everything and there is so much agony and I am scared it's going to destroy me I am so scared

[PeppyPatti]

@GlossyHygrocybe 

Hi, my name is @PeppyPatti ,  how is your morning looking ? 🌻

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Hey! I am feeling better this morning. I took my emergency medication last night and I am so embarrassed about posting this. I feel a lot of physical discomfort at the moment but I am trying to break out of old patterns of negative thinking. 

I started my morning with some nice cinnamon, apple porridge and I'm journalling and doing some DBT. 

Thanks for replying on this it was a lot I am mortified. 

[tyme]

Hugs @GlossyHygrocybe . We are here for each other.