Lived Experience Forum

[CH677666]

Things started to happen was I was 12 years old, I would be lying in bed and hearing voices outside my window and coming out of the toilet but this only happened every now and again, during this time I also started getting depressed. I started feeling like everything was a big deal.

During highschool, I believed 100% that I smelt bad no matter what, my parents told me I didn't and I never asked my friends because I was to scared to.
No one at school even told me I did to my face but I would hear them whispering it. I left school at 15 because I could not deal with it.

I got a job and it was hard because I was always hearing them talking about me but was to scared to ask them if they were. I was very paranoid all the time that everyone thought I was a freak 24/7.

About 2 years ago I was posting my nudes online (which I regret and have stopped) and thought my sister and her boyfriend had found out about it and were pretending to be people messaging me sexual things and were talking about it and laughing I thought they told my mum/dad and that my dad had followed my account to keep an eye on me (I knew he was doing this because when I posted a photo I heard him shout my name and when his phone went off I knew it was a notification from my account, I don't know how I knew this but I just did) I also remembered my mum coming into my room and telling me I should not do that but I finally talked to her about this today and she said none of this happened at all.

Recently at this new job I started thinking i was projecting my thoughts to people and that everyone knew I was doing this but didn't tell me directly but were making comments behind my back about how I was a freak/weird, I was sexually abused as a child and I thought I was projecting these memories out to all the customers and my co workers and that they all thought I was going to molest a child. It was hard to deal with. I thought they asked my parents about it and my parents told them I was not broadcasting my thoughts at home so now everyone at work thought I was doing it on purpose so that they couldn't fire me.

When all this started happening I really tried to tell real from fake and now I don't even know what I believe any more. I had a mental breakdown because I heard customers laughing at me and asking me "Do you want a bullet" meaning that they wanted me dead because I smelt bad and they knew I was weird. But looking bad on it now no one was even around me when I heard that. But I went home and started planning to run away from my town and never speak to my family/friends again.

At one point I believed I was possessed by a demon or had a entity attached to me that was making me lazy and not be able to think right.

Could I have been hearing voices on and off for 8 years without realising and still working a job. I don't know what Is real any more.

I am now worried that I might have schizophrenia but I know some of this is crazy so I just don't know what is going on right now everything feels so crazy, I have a job and an understanding boss who let's me have time off when I need it and I'm seeing a doctor soon but I don't know what to time them and what they are gonna say. I'm scared that things will get worse, I'm hoping that it is just anxious and that when I tell my doctor that everything will get better (I don't know if that is even possible) right now I'm questioning my reality and I'm struggling to get my head to think right.

I also don't know how serious this is should I go to my doctor tomorrow or can this wait a few weeks to see if it get better or worse? (I don't know if this is real or if I'm making it up)

[NatureLover]

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@CH677666 wrote:

I also don't know how serious this is should I go to my doctor tomorrow or can this wait a few weeks to see if it get better or worse? (I don't know if this is real or if I'm making it up)

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I would definitely go to your doctor today, @CH677666 . This seems like it's been going on for many years. 

[Gwynn]

Go to your doctor, just print out what you've written here and give it to them. If they think you're worried about nothing, they'll tell you so and it won't be a big deal, but if you wait and things get worse, it could lead to an involuntary admission.

[hanami]

Hi @CH677666 

Welcome to the forums! It's so brave to reach out and ask for help, so yay for you for making that start. I agree with others that it's best to see your doctor as soon as possible. I think you'd feel better knowing what a health professional says. If not, you will be likely to worry and stress about it and could escalate your mental health negatively. 

Keep reaching out and let us know how you go.

Sending hugs

hanami 💮

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @CH677666 It sounds like this is a real experience for you and something that is causing you distress. I think it's a good idea to check in with a health professional. In the meantime, we are here to listen and support you in any way we can. You are also welcome to reach out to the SANE counsellors on 1800 187 263 10am-10pm or crisis support if you feel you need it. 

I will put some threads and information here for you to have a read of in case there is something of use. 

Topic Tuesday Schizophrenia  

Schizophrenia-Awareness-Week 

Factsheet schizophrenia 

Please take care,

Paperdaisy 

[Appleblossom]

@CH677666 

Someone on the forum recently put me onto this lady ... powerful stuff.

https://www.commongroundprogram.com/hearing-voices 

I lived in fear of getting schizophrenia for many many years. Somehow I didnt. Sometimes we overthink, whatever is going on ... Not easy....take care ... on the smelly thing ... i remember kids sneering at some kid who may have smelt (or not) at school.  Kids can very cruel. What is bad is the loss of self esteem and fear we are weird and different.  The fear of smell ... has also been great for the perfume business ... men and women ....just do your best.

Doctors may be able to help, but do not fall completely for the medical model .... there are Hearing Voices networks ... a range of approaches.... may yield best results...

[NatureLover]

Hi @CH677666 , just checking in...what did you decide about going to your doctor yesterday? 

[CH677666]

I told someone about this and have a doctors appointment for tomorrow... but i freaked out thinking I had made a mistake and bought train tickets to a different town and spend the whole night packing my bags to leave town and never come back but this morning I have calmed down.
I can type all this down to strangers but the minute I have to tell anyone in my life my whole body starts shaking and I shut down.. it feels like something does not want me to tell anyone these things.

It really can't shake the feeling I'm making a mistake because it feels very real to me that I can read people's minds and I know they are lying to me.

[StuF]

Hey @CH677666 

I can relate a bit, having gone through psychosis and living with schizoaffective disorder. I know how  "Real" it can feel.

Anyway, really wanted to acknowledge how brave you are in making the appointment with a doctor. Freaking out about it is perfectly understandable, but good on you for giving it a go.

I hope the appointment proves useful and will begin your healing journey, whatever that might be.

All the very best with it and please keep us posted if you wish 🙂

[CH677666]

thank you guys for your support.

I went to my gp today and he said it sounds like I may have schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder or depression with psychotic features, I have a psychiatrist appointment for November to do proper testing but in the mean while he has put me on an antipsychotic to help.