Constant flashbacks

[Jynx]

@creative_writer control can be a big theme in trauma and recovery, for sure. I think it's about balance, i.e. being able to empower ourselves to be assertive and have agency, but not so much that we become overly controlling or unable to roll with/tolerate change and the forces that are outside of our control. 

Maybe the idea of 'being a good client' is something that's worth exploring in itself? 

Winter definitely setting in! Hope your class was a goodun 😉

[creative_writer]

@Jynx the thing is I was really stressed at the time, it can be hard to think clearly during those stressful periods. I know the meds weren’t there to “control me” but to “stabilise me”. I just remember feeling the former at the time. I’ve accepted that meds can be helpful, my neurotransmitters need help.

I could explore the “good client” concept more in therapy, we were beginning to talk about it during my appointment this week. There is only so much you can cover in one appointment.

It was exhausting and I submitted an assignment last night. I’m curled up in bed and will try to sleep soon. My body is doing the annoying thing of feeling yucky.

I hope you’re wrapped up warmly tonight 💖

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer , good to see you. Well done on completing your assignment. I hope you can rest up tonight and we'll see you soon.

Thinking of you.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it was a big achievement especially with my bipolar. I've realised the importance of being on top of meds, it gets so confusing when taking everything I am on. I need to make sure I take meds morning and evening everyday consistently. I realised that other morning that I probably didn't take my meds. Even one missed dose won't be the best for my bipolar.

I wonder if the flashback is related to picking up the medical test I need to do. I am dreading doing it, last time I felt super triggered when doing it. I'm too scared to say anything to the doctor who suggested the test

[Tolly]

Hi @creative_writer I also wanted to congratulate you on completing your assignment and be good to yourself and celebrate that amazing accomplishment ❤️ and sometimes the anxiety around any sort of medical, mental health or any type of test actually can trigger stress or flashbacks, and you getting your work done despite everything is such a testament to your ability.

[creative_writer]

@Tolly I have more uni assignments to go, I've been working on assignments at my own pace today. I'm going to take a break from uni to do a workout and take a shower.

I don't think I'm ready to do the test right now, I might put in on pause. I know it's been on pause for a while, but there is so much I need to get done and I don't want to worsen my mental state right now. I want to prevent going back to the suicidal state I was in on the weekend, I feel like I need a bit more stability. I don't know if it'll look odd to go to the GP long after the tests were ordered, but I don't see any other way right now. She's already given me as much flexibility as she could, she said I could do it during my own time and by myself. I think she picked up it felt sensitive but I didn't raise up my trauma history with her

[tyme]

Hope you're okay @creative_writer 

Do you symptoms get worse in the winter months?

[creative_writer]

@tyme the darkness certainly doesn’t help. I did go for a walk today to get as much light as I could, it was miserable, but some natural light is better than nothing.

I’ve also had other stressors that might be cumulating, I have my regular mental health stuff, bereavements, uni and triggers that pop up. I’m just doing the best I can. I have a med cert for extensions if I need them. It’s just been super hard, I think I got another viral infection. Viral infections are not good for existing migraines and fibro.

How has your day been?

[tyme]

I hope it lightens up for you @creative_writer Must be hard to sit under a cloud of heaviness.

Not sick again? Do you think your MH weakens your immune system?

I'm going to have a warm warm shower later and get into bed. I'll read a book with my niece because she's coming over soon.

[creative_writer]

@tyme having multiple things going on can be hard. But having nothing going on in my life is hard to. I rather have uni than have nothing.

My immune system is not great. Probably partly stress and partly my body temperament.

Warm showers feel so good in winter. What kind of books does your niece like?